[Joe Crocker]

I was also disturbed by the first line. Not at all sure what image is being offered, But perhaps that's what you want. But "peace chambered in a gun" is brilliant. Good feeling of anger here.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thanks Joe

When you hang onto line without the only context being inside your head

Jan

[Yves S L]

Duplicated post

[Yves S L]

Jan,

I delete posts when posting makes it clear that my comments would be too much of a downer. It is often best to leave the threads to folk who appreciate what a poet is trying to do, and perhaps not too negatively colour further comments.

But if you want a comment: Given the definition of "commodity", the fourth line comes across as rhyme-driven filler, and the last three lines are drastically better than the rest of the poem. I also thought the first line was a catastrophe with its awkward syntax and personification, but others have now said so much more gently.

Yeah.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Just a quick stop-in to give you thanks for expressing the chaos that is the US landscape. Susan did it, too.

I remember back in his first term as president when it spawned a slew of defiant/depressing poems. Now back from the dead, the zombie-in-chief wrecks havoc. What are we to do? Revolt? It sadly brings me to Yeats' rough beast in The Second Coming.

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Yves, Trump deals with everything as if they are commodities awaiting his transactional snare.
.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Yves,

When a word rhymes with nothing it cannot be said to be rhyme driven. ‘Commodities’ is the right word on the right place neither rhyme driven nor filler. Ruptured syntax is not necessarily a failing it is often used as a tool.

If what I have posted is technically inept please have at it. If what I have posted has failings of any kind please have at it. Considered criticism is the lifeblood of this place it helps both poem and poet grow. I used to post in the Deep End in the early days when Alan Sullivan was still alive and got torn a new one with depressing regularity. He was a hard, but not harsh, critic who never stooped to the ad hom. Please do not hold back.

The last three lines are the counterpoint and were crafted as such. It is a sonnet the sestet is where the punch will generally lie.

You are so right Jim The Second Coming can be seen to be quite vatic. With heightening polarity throughout the world “ the centre cannot hold” and the centre is where tolerance, compassion and wisdom lie. There are similarities in Yeats’ time and today.

My thanks to you both

Jan

[Yves S L]

Jan,

I meant that given the definition of "commodity", the fourth line "becoming things you'd sell or buy" reads as entirely unnecessary apart from filling up a line of meter and setting up the die/buy rhyme by using a line to spell out a definition (yeah, defining a word is a tool of emphasis, but I am just generally not convinced by what this poem is doing so it reads like rhyme driven choices (meaning the need to rhyme is contorting the poem previous to hitting the rhyme)). Sure anything is a tool, and also any tool can be used badly and judged as such by anyone else.

What is the point of defending the first line when other people were not comfortable with the line, and you ended up changing it? It is more like the horrid syntax and inarticulate use of personification is a symptom of an underlying problem of how the poem is thought out, because that line negatively impacted the rest of the poem anyways apart from any isolated technical issues.

Also, one of the factors in my deleting a post is that after posting, I reckon it is likely not going to be much use to the poet anyways: we are just coming at it from incompatible angles. If you misunderstood my simple point about "commodities" and "becoming things you'd sell or buy" then likely other points would not be understood nor accepted.

This also should be a deleted post. I would have saved myself some typing if I left it at my initial deleted post, but I type fast so the loss is minimal. Yeah!

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

There is little point in argument Yved. I thank you for your input and am glad that you have pointed out where you see illogicality. That is always helpful but this is polemic after all.

I write but what I write will never appeal to everyone but that is a problem I share with humanity.

Jan