[Jim Ramsey]

version 2

Judgement

The old woman’s eyes,
milky as opals,
were set in a brown face, dry
and creviced as nut meat.

She patted the pine box
before it was lifted,
spat a string of tobacco,
and squinted at God.

version 1

A Story

The old woman’s eyes,
as milky as opals,
were set in a brown face as dry
and creviced as nut meat.

She patted the pine box
before it was lifted,
spat a string of tobacco,
and squinted at God.

[John Boddie]

Nice, economical portrait.

Consider dropping "A Story"

Also, you might consider dropping "as" in S1L2. You use "as" three times in the first four lines.

JB

[Hilary Biehl]

Yes, I noticed the recurrence of "as" before reading John's comment (you actually use it four times in the first stanza) and was going to suggest making S1L2 simply "milky as opals."

Is the title "A Story" or "The Final Judgment"?

I like this. It's compact and evocative.

[David Callin]

I really like it, Jim. I noticed the "as" x 4, but it didn't really bother me.

Great last line.

I'm not sure what nut meat is, though.

Cheers

David

[Hilary Biehl]

David, nut meat is simply the edible part inside the shell.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jim,

This is minimal and effective—evocative in its simplicity. I’m not sure “A Story” is doing enough as a title, though. You might consider something that captures more of the grit and intensity of the moment.
Also, while the repeated as constructions in the first stanza don’t jar too much, they do begin to feel patterned. You could consider trimming, since it’s easy to streamline without losing the imagery. For instance:

The old woman’s eyes,
milky as opals, were set
in a brown face dry
and creviced as nut meat.

Nicely done, Jim!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I like this a lot. The “as’s” don’t bother me, either. You have two good similes next to each other. I especially like the title, “The Final Judgment.” The “snap” in the last line is the realization that the old woman is making a final judgment of God in her bereavement.
Very nice work.

Glenn

[Phil Wood]

Impactful Jim. I like the 'upfront' use of 'as' to pin the images. 'opals' was a fitting alternative to the familiar 'pearls'. I googled 'nut meat' and got meat substitute images (no crevices there, but I can see that a nut would have crevices). Love the patted/spat/squinted thread of action. The title doesn't sell the poem, and does hint at fiction, but the bible is weighted with stories!

Phil

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jim,

The repetition of "as" didn't bother me as much as it maybe should have. I don't feel strongly about keeping them all or removing any, though "as dry" would probably be the one I will remove if I was to choose one.

I was also confused by "nut meat". I pictured something like meatloaf.

I'm having trouble visualising what you mean by "She patted the pine box / before it was lifted", as I assume she is inside the pine box, and the idea of her patting from the inside feels strange/not what you intended.

The ending is a bit curt to me. I quite like it, but I feel like you could develop it a bit more. I don't get a full portrait of the person from her actions, just a glimpse.

Hope the feedback helps.

Trev

[James Brancheau]

How about "Judgment" as a title? For me, "A Story" is rather vague and so it doesn’t do enough for the poem. Though Phil’s idea concerning the Bible is interesting. I don’t think that you’d need Final there as your readers should be able to put that together. Unless, perhaps, "Final Judgment" could imply that, from that day forward, the woman will refuse to believe, or hold a grudge against God, etc. Hmmm... Is that what you were getting at with "A Story" ?? (And, distantly, I’d also like "Judgment" there because of the tendency (of some) to make God like us, with human traits. Here that is turned on God.)

I like this a lot too. Love the "string of tobacco" and the last line. “nut meat” confused me as well, but I don’t think you should change it. It makes sense (I looked it up, and, in fact, it seems a common enough way to put it). Finally, I agree that you should drop the “as” before "milky." I didn’t see them as that much of a problem, and that would do the trick for me. Nice one, Jim.