[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Richard — I'm glad the issues you had are mostly resolved now! And your feelings about the 'tide' line is actually similar to mine, that it could be better. So, it's just gotten a brand new tweak! And yes, 'glance' fits better. As for the 'A' for 'In' in the 'champagne' line, I've been resistant to that change until now—with em dashes, it works better. Thanks again!

Hello, Glenn — I'm glad you like the tweaks made! As for your question, though I'm no psychologist or psychiatrist, I'd say memory progressively forgets as time goes by... unless it's jolted along the way with a new trigger of recall.

Thanks again, gentlemen, for your continued attention and interest in the piece!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Richard G]

Hi Alex.

I like steadfast and the em dashes.
I don't think tide is quite there, but perilously close.

Perhaps something along the lines of
For looking back would summon a drowning tide.
(? Though with one less syllable!)

And have S2 begin with
I know that ...
Yet something ...
to mirror the I passed of S1

Regarding 'looming' (L13) it doesn't really seem like the opposite of 'crumbling' (L26)


RG

[Alex Pepple]

Thanks again, Richard! I like your suggestion for the 'tide' lines: the first instance being a non-personalized, more expansive image fits better; and the second reflects better corresponding line in the forward sonnet. And I feel that with the latest couple more tweaks I've just carried out, it's very close to final state.

As for 'looming'/'crumbling', though, technically, you do have a point, I yet believe that they execute well opposite states of the wall metaphor - one solid and threatening, the other disintegrating and weakening. Still, I did think of replacing 'looming' with 'towering', but decided against it in the end since it didn't carry that additional nuance of something threatening and ominous, rather than just tall.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Richard G]

Hi Alex

And I feel that with the latest couple more tweaks I've just carried out, it's very close to final state.
Agreed, though not certain about 'prompt' - lacks drama, for me.
Speaking of which, might you consider 'Lethean' for 'forgetting?

since it didn't carry that additional nuance of something threatening and ominous,
I wonder if different word choices might more closely tie the wall and the tide together (the wall appearing as a single wave of sorts.)

RG

[Alex Pepple]

I like the "Lethe" suggestion, Richard. As it adds an effective mythological reference. BTW, I wasn't aware "Lethe" could be adjectivized to "Lethean" ... good to know! And talking mythology, I thought I could have a two-for-one by having Eurydice in the "looking back" lines, but it wasn't quite working. So, for now, I've simply replaced "prompt[s]" with "swirl[s]."

Thanks again, Richard!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Richard G]

Hi Alex.

I wasn't aware "Lethe" could be adjectivized to "Lethean" ... good to know!
Nor was I before yesterday.

I thought I could have a two-for-one by having Eurydice in the "looking back" lines, but it wasn't quite working.
Worth a try. (I'd been seeing Lot's wife.)

So, for now, I've simply replaced "prompt[s]" with "swirl[s]."
No cigar ... yet. (I think it worth chipping away at this word. There are so many possibilities.
To look back would incite/unleash ...
For looking back recalls/invites ...
...)
But everything else seems settled.

RG.

[David Callin]

Hi Alex. I think I'm with Jan in finding this a bit rich for my taste, but I'm extremely impressed with the way you handled it. It's almost dizzying in its skill. And very 18th century, almost. (If I understand the 18th century - but perhaps I'm just echoing Jan's Baroque remark there).

Admiring cheers

David

[Alex Pepple]

Richard, I appreciate your continued attention to the tide line! While I like the force of "unleash," I'm constrained by meter - adding a two-syllable verb would make the line run over… or otherwise calls for a cretic metrical substitution, which is generally infelicitous. I've considered "launch" as an alternative—it has the suddenness and force that "swirl" might lack while maintaining the meter (even for the second pass, where it’s “launches” with a dactyl metrical substitution that feels forgiving enough). Furthermore, I'm also eying 'spark'/'sparks'—which works without the second-time-occurrence metrical substitution... but while 'launch' fits the water imagery, 'spark' would be a contrasting fire imagery, which I believe still fits. It's fascinating how much weight a single word can carry in a poem, isn't it? And yes, everything else does feel settled now after all these helpful revisions.

David, Thank you for your kind words about the technical aspects of the poem! I'm glad the skill comes through even if the style isn't to your personal taste. The "18th century" comparison is interesting - perhaps there is something formal or ornate in the approach that connects to earlier poetic traditions. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment despite it not being your preferred style.
Cheers,
...Alex

[Richard G]

Hi Alex.

It's fascinating how much weight a single word can carry in a poem, isn't it?
Isn't it just.

I'm not persuaded by launch (and spark/s might become entangled with light/glow/radiance.)

Perhaps chance/dare in S1, risk in S2?

RG

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Richard, I'd say you're right about 'spark', even if there's some appeal with it fire acting in opposition to the water imagery. But I think I've found the word 'tempt'/'tempts' -- which has the right metaphoric nuance for the context!--Alex