[Joe Crocker]

Bacchanal: the way you say it.

The half-cut chorus fails to nail its parts.
They need a proper drink, not one that starts
politely, sipping sherry, sharing tarts.
(A proper drink should end with lighting farts.)

Our cocktail maker shakes to darker arts.
Mix liquor, lust and luck. Unleash your hearts’
desires. While cupid pricks us with his darts,
a sex machine is roaring up the charts.

It growls “get up-a (get on up)”
Throw your head back. Drain the cup.

Peel away the cute veneer.
Unbutton. Come unstuck. Career
across the sharpened atmosphere.
Crash into a higher gear.
Show your know-how. Buccaneer.
Dance me till the room turns queer.
Whisper Latin in my ear.

Strip Jack naked. Mark his cards.
Help us lose the wit to parse

the parts of speech that interfere
with swinging from a chandelier.
Abandon virtue. Enter here.
May Sodom and Gomorrah cheer
our shamelessness. We buck and rear
in bent amplexus, holding dear.
Announce, or mispronounce and steer

a flagrant course to bare-faced farce.
Back anal:
xxxxxxxxxdoggy,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxup the arse.

[Joe Crocker]

By way of explanation, and getting my excuses in early, I entered this in the latest UK Poetry Society competition for members. The prompt was “Bacchanal”. Not a subject I would have thought of addressing. But that’s the joy of writing to a prompt. A sure-fire winner I thought… but sadly not selected by the judge. It is, I suppose a lot of effort just to make a filthy pun. Still I enjoyed playing with it.

I included the following cover letter

An unsuitable entry, I fear. Less because it is obscene (a bacchanal is after all an orgy); more because it is formal, alliterative and strictly iambic. It monorhymes and is intended to amuse. All of which would seem to dump it in the light verse bin and who publishes that stuff these days? Being old and male, smutty is also not a good look. Nevertheless, I am oddly proud of it and do hope you find something to like.

[Richard G]

Hi Joe.
It was a long was to go for a filthy pun, but it was a fun ride. (Was 'unsuitable entry' another pun?)

I paused, slightly, at the ambiguity of 'sharing tarts' and didn't think the James Brown quote was necessary (it almost made it feel dated.)

Wondered about switchting the order of S1 and S2 and if there was any way to end with "Whisper Latin ..."?

A cut and paste thought.


Our cocktail maker shakes to darker arts.
Mix liquor, lust and luck. Unleash your hearts’
desires. While cupid pricks us with his darts,
a sex machine is roaring up the charts.

The half-cut chorus fails to nail its parts.
They need a proper drink, not one that starts
politely, sipping sherry, sharing tarts.
(A proper drink should end with lighting farts.)

Peel away the cute veneer.
Unbutton. Come unstuck. Career
across the sharpened atmosphere.
Crash into a higher gear.

Strip Jack naked. Mark his cards.
Help us lose the wit to parse
the parts of speech that interfere
with swinging from a chandelier.
Abandon virtue. Enter here.

May Sodom and Gomorrah cheer
our shamelessness. We buck and rear
in bent amplexus, holding dear.
Announce, or mispronounce and steer

a flagrant course to bare-faced farce.
Back anal:
xxxxxxxxxdoggy,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxup the arse.

Show your know-how. Buccaneer.
Dance me till the room turns queer.
Whisper Latin in my ear.


RG.

[David Callin]

Great fun, Joe. I agree with Rich about the James Brown reference. In fact I think the whole thing would be improved if you could stick to four-line verses. Shows discipline, you see.

You probably had little chance of winning over the Poetry Society with something like this - not really their thing, I imagine - but your covering letter would certainly have put the kibosh on it.

I'd like to read a revised version of it, though, even if they wouldn't.

Cheers

David

[Max Goodman]

Originally Posted by Joe Crocker

the light verse bin and who publishes that stuff these days?

Light and Lighten Up Online, of course, publish all sorts of light verse, including low humor. Some other formal-friendly places are open to light verse, too, though probably within a more limited range.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Joe,

I have little new to say here: I enjoyed this, but I felt it was a long way to go for the pun, but I think it would work better without the pun. I guess it just seemed a little juvenile, whereas what came before it was fun and pretty inventive in parts. The reference to sex machine did make it feel a little dated. A few more specific comments below.

Hope this helps.

Trev

The half-cut chorus fails to nail its parts. [I think this would work better as line 3. Your current line 2 would be a stronger opener, I think]
They need a proper drink, not one that starts
politely, sipping sherry, sharing tarts.
(A proper drink should end with lighting farts.) [Lighting farts felt a bit too silly, even for a bacchanal. Would anything else fit here?]

Our cocktail maker shakes to darker arts. [Nice description]
Mix liquor, lust and luck. Unleash your hearts’
desires. While cupid pricks us with his darts,
a sex machine is roaring up the charts.

It growls “get up-a (get on up)”
Throw your head back. Drain the cup.

Peel away the cute veneer.
Unbutton. Come unstuck. Career
across the sharpened atmosphere.
Crash into a higher gear. [Remove this line and create 2 3-line stanzas here?]
Show your know-how. Buccaneer.
Dance me till the room turns queer.
Whisper Latin in my ear.

Strip Jack naked. Mark his cards.
Help us lose the wit to parse [Delete stanza? Feels disjointed]

the parts of speech that interfere
with swinging from a chandelier. [Similar: delete this line and one above?]
Abandon virtue. Enter here.
May Sodom and Gomorrah cheer
our shamelessness. We buck and rear
in bent amplexus, holding dear.
Announce, or mispronounce and steer [Delete line?]

a flagrant course to bare-faced farce. [end poem here?]
Back anal:
xxxxxxxxxdoggy,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxup the arse.

[Joe Crocker]

Thanks all for allowing me to believe I need not slink off in ignominy. The poem arose out of a specific prompt and my puerile reaction to it. I think it is more or less doomed. But it led me a pretty dance, which I enjoyed exploring.

Richard. You put your finger on some of its weaknesses and strengths. You and David and Trevor all agree that the James Brown riff should go. Fair enough. It was there to introduce a handbrake turn to separate one monorhyme block in pentameter from the next in a more urgent tetrameter. But its unloveliness might jar too much. Thanks for liking the “Whisper Latin in my ear”, which is also my favourite line. And yes the “unsuitable entry” was another fnaar fnaar double entendre.

David. I knew it was never a serious Poetry Society contender, so the cover letter was a deliberate self-harming. But it made a fair point I think. It’s too easy to undervalue the skill needed to make light verse work well.

Max. Indeed. I have reason to be grateful both to Melissa Balmain and Jerome Betts for publishing some of my efforts in their estimable journals.

Trevor. You and David and Richard have suggested changes in format which are well worth thinking about. I may look at rescuing some of it from the pun-driven momentum.

Cheers

Joe