[Julie Steiner]

Alessio,

I needn’t say the rousing time,
And how the men had carolled!

Then don't.

I suggest cutting S1. It's unnecessary for understanding what happened, and the wrenched rhyme will make some readers trip on the threshold on their way into the poem.

Some of the later stanzas could also be cut. Brevity would make the whole poem more effective.

I also suggest not fixing the unorthodox grammar. The narrator doesn't seem like the sort of person who would be fussy about the proper cases of pronouns, etc.

Cheers,
Julie

[Alessio Boni]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for the suggestion, but I feel that if I cut away S1 then the repeated verse of "Beer and Wine" would be gone, and S8 would not have that strength (I think I can call it strength?) of repeating the absurdity of this horrifying war tactic.

Although I think I will be cutting S3 as it just adds useless detail to the supposed fun of the soldiers prior to battle, and I feel the more abrupt and fast the order of fighting comes from the major, the more shocking it is.

Thank you!

For Glenn and Julie,

For the corrections suggested by Glenn, I think I'll apply some of them, but now that I think about it, as Julie pointed out, the imperfect grammar of this poem could also be related to the imperfect soul, (the Hungarian soldier narrator) and his battlefield type of poem, which would be largely poco curato.

At the same time though I'm conflicted because I would like my poem to be fully correct as per Glenn's suggestions.

I'm going to post the revised version shortly.

Cheers,

Alessio.