Hi John,
I'm not sure this one is working at present. The sudden introduction of the narrator in the final paragraph rather threw me, and given the 'modest man' I can't shake the notion that there's a briefer version of this waiting to be told which opens and closes with the narrator.
Mack’s mind held a chandelier. The chandelier hung from the ceiling of his skull. He felt the gentle shimmer of the dangling crystal prisms when he moved.
- I don't think you need the second sentence (it detracts rather than expands on the opening) and the stop/start nature of the two makes for a juddering introduction.
Mack's mind held a chandelier which he could feel gently shimmering ...
Sometimes the prisms clicked when he walked and the inside of his head became a song.
You've two 'whens' in quick succession. Not to mention two chandeliers and two prisms. All in the same paragraph.
Others said his head was full of bubbles and air, but Mack knew their blunt natures had robbed them of so much and he had no trouble forgiving them.
Do you need this? The only 'other' in the story turns out to be the narrator, and what Mack 'knew' is never really explored.
Much as I like the chandelier image, I can't get beyond this line.
"I've never realized it before," he said, "but now I know flying away on a steed has been my dream forever."
Who would ever say it?
They built sawhorses in their dining room and hung their saddles over soft blankets.
And when do they start cohabiting?
It’s important, they agree, to always be ready to go.
But never actually leave?
RG
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