[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Martin Rocek:
Is this too end-stopped? Too clear or too unclear?

The lightning-split oak
is leafless this summer; she calls
herself widiot.

Martin, Here is something to consider: if your poems are made up of complete grammatical units, i.e., sentences, they are much more likely to be end-stopped than if they are made up of grammatical fragments.

Lee

[Roy Hamilton]

Morning Lee,

I was thinking about non-existence:

Loved ones listening
As we entertain the dead
Sadly, no applause


Or it could be glistening, but that's a bit cute. It could also be "while" or "for," anyway it's simmering.

[Stephen Collington]

sahara desert
shapes stretchïng over sand
shadows walking

Hi Chiago,

My question is . . . why the umlaut over the i in stretching?

Very curious!

Steve C.

[Henrietta kelly]

Originally posted by Stephen Collington:
Hi Chiago,

My question is . . . why the umlaut over the i in stretching?

Very curious!

Steve C.

midnight -- dont you dare let it out I was trying to clean THAT off my screen. Un-be-leave-able!! ~~ outofhere ~~ henie

[Laura Heidy-Halberstein]

Welcome back, Lee, it's very good to see you again.
Each time I learn something different - each time I learn there is so much more to learn.

Lo

April Northern Lights
Small polar cubs on thin ice
Flash of white and gone
___

Six shy primates play
in a disappearing Eden.
Good-bye Gorillas.

____

Thin-skinned Harlequins
shrinking pond - summer sun
Croaking dappled frogs

[Chiago Mapocho]

Lee Gurga,

I appreciate the time you have taken with these poemlets. I will adress your questions, if you don't mind. I would also give my apologies for not spotting the errors--in the two incidents, it should be "croquet" and "greeters". Don't know if that makes thing more clear or not, though.

Firefish
on firewood.

not sure i get this one. are the 'firefish' flames in the shape of fish or are they something else i am not familiar with?

There are two kinds of firefish: purple firefish and Devil firefish. What I wanted to do here was have the fish out of its element--water--and work in a scene evoking the exact opposite--fire--, without making it surreal. After all, grilling fish isn't unusual. There's no verb to open up the possibilities of what it does on the firewood. Personally, I imagined three scenes: one, firefish grilled on the flames from the firewood; two, firefish scorched to ashes on the firewood; and three, firefish laying on a non-burning firewood.

In all cases, the exclusion of the N was because I hoped his involvement would be implied by the fact that once someone had to put the fish on the firewood (and this way, also create a period of time in the poemlet).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil_firefish


seems just a bit pondeous, don't you think?
That leads me to a question. Can didacticism have anything to do in a haiku, or is it too guiding, limiting?

seven dead fireflies
make a puddle two toes
in front of your shoes.

not sure i can put this all together

How about(?):

dead fireflies
pool the waxed porch
two toes in front of your shoes.

waxwings scallop
a part of Innisfree
with wingtips and will

i think this is the most successful so far. a am assuming you are referring to the garden. my only question here is why "a part"?

I wanted Innisfree to be loose enough to be both an image of what happens on the isle and on the lake. Come to think of it, though, Lough Gill would be better, in that the image of the waxwing scalloping on land seems a bit too hazy. In the lake, wingtips "scallop" a part of Innisfree (a part because wingtips rippling an entire lake would be surreal).

unfolding white chadors
on green roofs
mountain and treetops

has a certain spaciousness that is appealing.

Anyone having seen how cabins built near trees and cliffs can be snowed down in winter, I hope, will identify with this image. I'm wondering if chador is evoking the wrong associations, though. Maybe "winter coats" (though it is a less apt metaphor), or "white parkas /anoraks"?

not sure whay "crocket" is here. The only definition i can find is an architectural ornament, and that doesn't seem to fit.

I must apologise for that confusion--as well as with "gretters". For what it's worth, I meant to write "croquet".

sahara desert
shapes stretchïng over sand
shadows walking

just seems to be a picture

Would you elaborate on this one? I'm wondering the second line is misleading, rather than grounding the last line.

Thank you a lot for you spirit and helpfullness.

Best regards,
Mapocho




[This message has been edited by Chiago Mapocho (edited October 18, 2008).]

[Mary Meriam]

Sure, I can see how the Billy Collins' I posted isn't a haiku.

Lee, I've got three more, if you have a chance to crit (be brutal!). Thanks.



black wing
white moon
first frost


cherry tomatoes
teardrops of
a lonely old fool


muse
my vase is broken
without you

[Seree Zohar]

Lee - "The Jewish Bride" would be a great name for TV reality! You really made me LOL!
Stephen - yes, a lot of work and thanks. By breaking it down and explaining, you've shown me a great deal.
Many thanks to you both!

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Laura Heidy-Halberstein:
Welcome back, Lee, it's very good to see you again.
Each time I learn something different - each time I learn there is so much more to learn.

Lo

April Northern Lights
Small polar cubs on thin ice
Flash of white and gone
___

Six shy primates play
in a disappearing Eden.
Good-bye Gorillas.

____

Thin-skinned Harlequins
shrinking pond - summer sun
Croaking dappled frogs

Hi, Laura. Good to be back!

April Northern Lights
Small polar cubs on thin ice
Flash of white and gone

Six shy primates play
in a disappearing Eden.
Good-bye Gorillas.

Thin-skinned Harlequins
shrinking pond - summer sun
Croaking dappled frogs

It seems like you are asking each of these poems to heft quite a burden of philosophical/environmental significance, and i am afraid i am not the best person to help you with this kind ofhaiku. I hope you will forgive me for that.

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Mary Meriam:
Sure, I can see how the Billy Collins' I posted isn't a haiku.

Lee, I've got three more, if you have a chance to crit (be brutal!). Thanks.

Well, it is hard to imagine wanting to be brutal, especially with these.


black wing
white moon
first frost

Remember what I said about not using three images? Well, here is the exception that tests the rule--and overthrows it. I like this one very much.

cherry tomatoes
teardrops of
a lonely old fool

i think a lot of people would really like this one, but it is a tad sentimental for you taste. But what do i know? It could well be a prize-winner!

muse
my vase is broken
without you

Like this one too, especially as i know the feeling so well!

Lee