[R. Nemo Hill]

Yes, it did occur to me as a sort of lullaby, Roger. I hesitated to use the word in my first crit, but it is an inescapable association.

And I too noticed how the poem seemed a clever way of channeling potential nightmare through the delights of language.

Nemo

[Ann Drysdale]

I enjoyed this. My only lurking worry was that there may be too many children out there who have never been lucky enough to live in a house like this one. They will have night-noises of a different sort, though, so perhaps they will accept its otherness as I did with the worlds I was introduced to by the poetry of Stevenson and Milne.

[Alex Pepple]

This is pretty well realized. It starts somewhat slow, as if there's something missing . . . until the entertaining sound effects of S3. Then, as I started trying to fit the sounds to the objects that they reference in the previous stanzas, I thought this might be more successful if specific sounds were interspersed in context next to or close to the item that makes the them.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Mark Stone]

I like this poem as it is entertaining and very well crafted.

"My house is an orchestra" is used three times and "My house is my orchestra" is used once. Perhaps "an" or "my" should be used consistently throughout.

In S1L4, my tongue sort of sticks on "low, slow." I might replace "low, slow" with a single word, something like: "a murmur that's steady and deep."

The meter of S1L7&8 doesn't really match the metrical pattern of S1L1-6. My thought for S1L7&8:

It ticks and it tocks and its pendulum swings.
The click of the clock joins right in.

In S2L7, I would delete "now." It adds an extra beat that S2L1, S2L3 & S2L5 don't have, and it doesn't really add anything in terms of meaning.

I agree with Roger's suggestion to have an ending where the sounds put the child to sleep.

I agree with Maryann's idea regarding the last line. But if this is done, then I think the meter of S3L8 should be changed to match the meter of S1L8 and S2L8.

Mark

[Janice D. Soderling]

I'm not contradicting Mark, just offering a different take on some of these points.

I think it is accomplished to vary the lines by changing to "an". It keeps monotany at bay.

In the same way, "low, slow" adds some musicality to a poem that is about musicality.

I think Maryann's proposed ending (as I tried to say above but perhaps wasn't clear) does exactly what Roger is calling for. It provides a sense of the child

drifting
away
into
sle
ep.

[Roger Slater]

I see your point, Janice. That would end it on a gentle joke, i.e., even though the child is saying he can't sleep, he's drifting off even as he says it. The joke might have been there from the start, implicit in the poem as posted, but I wasn't astute enough to hear it. Maybe the slight adjustment in the formatting would have helped me.

[Richard Meyer]

A fine use of onomatopoeia. Nicely done.

[Catherine Chandler]

This is an absolute charmer! It brought back so many memories, especially of how we never really "heard" the grandfather clock during the day, but at night . . . quite another story. I thought Ann had written it, but she's commented. Very nicely done.

[Seree Zohar]

I thought Ann had written it, but she's commented. Very nicely done. Oh Catherine, you gotta check out the translation fest - bluffers all - just coz Ann commented doesn't mean she didn't write it! My only hmmmm is whether rain whispers... other than that, no nits. I love the idea of the words fading into sleep at the end.

[Jean L. Kreiling]

I agree that this is charming and well-done.

I like Maryann's suggestion for the ending.

I wanted a conductor!!! (The child?)

Best,
Jean