[Jayne Osborn]

Gentlemen, and Mary,

I only ever get one ticket for both ways, when I go to London with East Midlands Trains (usually for an Oldie lunch, as it happens), so I'm blaming my lack of understanding on that.

I once lost my ticket and had to buy another one to get home, but that wasn't a consequence of the fare structure!

We might struggle to put different slants on this one, which is the whole essence of a competition... isn't it?

Jayne

[Bill Greenwell]

Originally Posted by basil ransome-davies

Virgin always issue separate out & return tickets, whatever. Perhaps other rip-off merchants, I mean rail companies, do it differently.

Is there a Speccie comp this week?

No. 2744: olympian
You are invited to supply a preview, in verse, of the Olympic Games (16 lines maximum). Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 18 April.

Sorry for what will be 'cross-posting' ...

[Jayne Osborn]

Sorry for what will be 'cross-posting' ...

Yep, Bill - John's got a separate thread going for The Speccie Olympic Games (groan ) comp.

Meanwhile, back to this one... I think I might just have progressed from being clueless to having an idea for it!

[Ann Drysdale]

What Bill said makes perfect sense. It means you can't go there after you've been and come back. That's the poem. Shhh. I'm thinking...

[Jayne Osborn]

He checked my ticket, then he checked me out,
to my surprise. I was a fool; we dated,
(but just the once). He left me in no doubt
that fare evasion was the crime he hated
above all else. I hardly said a word
that evening. Then it ended. I was miffed
at being bored to death by such a nerd,
who topped it all by giving me a gift:
his "Ticket Inspector's Handbook Number 5",
a kind of Bible for a man whose brain
is filled with Rules, goes into overdrive
when he can implement them on a train.
He'd given me the book so he could boast
about his job, how much he'd had to learn.
I tore the thing in two, then dashed to post
it to him, with a note: Two Part Return.

(Click on the picture to enlarge it.)

[John Whitworth]

Betcha win with that, Jayne. Luvly.

[Charlotte Innes]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

his "Ticket Inspector's Handbook Number 5",

Oh the handbook is a hoot, Jayne! Love the poem.

Charlotte

[Jayne Osborn]

Thank you, Charlotte, and it would be luvly if you're right, John!

Jayne

[John Whitworth]

Well, here's my shot.

No it isn't. Bazza (see below) has convinced me that a Daily Telegraph waving Tory like myself must make it much plainer that this is ironic, rather than my own considered view. My revised version appears below.

[basil ransome-davies]

No British terrorists or paedophiles, then? All devilish foreigners? That's a Richard Littlejohn rant in verse, John. Mind you, I'm not saying it won't appeal to the Speccie.