[Ann Drysdale]

Sir,

I would be obliged if you would cease your wicked soliciting or I shall be forced punish you, you naughty boy.

Yours Assertively
Madame Dominique Sterne
(available for private functions by prior arrangement)

[Brian Allgar]

If I remember correctly, "Sue Grabbit & Runne" comes from Private Eye.

But I once actually passed a solicitor's office named "Reason and Tickle". It seemed rather appropriate; if you can't argue your way into winning a court case, perhaps you can amuse the jury sufficiently for them to decide in your favour.

Of course, "Reason and tickle" might work equally well as a guide to seduction.

[Jerome Betts]

Can't compete with John's obvious winner but . . .

There's a library chap, and a woman, far worse,
Next door in our seaside hotel.
Pebble glasses, odd clothes, a liking for verse,
(Heard them at it as clear as a bell.)

They sing racy songs, well, you know what I mean,
So loudly they quite split my skull.
The bottles! The rows! And the language! Obscene!
I call them our neighbours from Hull.

[John Whitworth]

Why thank you Jerome. And yours is fresh and neat. Let us hope we both win.

[Ann Drysdale]

Life mirrors art in Wales's finest city. Newport has a firm of Estate Agents called Crook and Blight.

[John Whitworth]

And Twickenham has undertakers called Wake & Paine.

[Jerome Betts]

Thanks, John. There is or was a local deep-sea fisherman called Scales, a demolition contractor called Down, a forester called Hewitt and a plumber called Main. (Actually met him.) And in the Oxford of your day I remember a faded sign , F. Sheen, French Polisher.

[Brian Allgar]

And in the Oxford of my day, there was (yes, really) a graffitus:

"The Vice-Chancellor of this University is nasty, brutish and short".

On the subject of graffiti, I also saw in a public loo (though it may already have been a plagiarism):

"Mine's twelve inches long, but I don't use it as a rule."

[Marion Shore]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

How would they knw it was published, Marion?

Yeeks, John! Are you suggesting my oeuvre is not well known throughout the world?!

Thanks to all of you for your reasoning on the already-published issue. You guys should have been medieval theologians. (Maybe you were).

Here's my entry:

NEW NEIGHBOUR

Greetings, neighbour. We’re pleased to welcome you.
We hope you like our fine community.
It’s quite exclusive. What about that view!
The grounds are always tended carefully:
the well-kept lawns, the shrubbery and flowers,
the shaded paths and lanes. Just look around—
We're sure you'll like this neighbourhood of ours.
It's quiet too. You'll barely hear a sound,
situated on this cul-de-sac.
Not many children. Most of us are old.
Your guests are leaving? Don't worry, they'll be back
before you know it. Are those handles gold?
And is that lovely casket cherrywood?
Welcome, welcome, to the neighbourhood!

[David Anthony]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

Neighbours

The people next door are such wonderful people,
Magnificent people, the best that could be,
Superlative people, impeccable people,
The loveliest people you ever could see,

But faraway people, non-neighbourhood people
Are horrible people and rather obscene,
Untalented people, unfortunate people,
Inadequate people, and not very clean,

Those people who people the places that people
Like our sort of people are fearful to go
Are hardly the people (detestable people)
That our sort of people could possibly know,

So here’s to our people, such scrumptious people,
Rambunctious people, the people who are
Respectable people, delectable people
Collectable people who win the cigar!


Cripes! How do you spell collectible?

I love it, John.