[John Whitworth]

No Simon. There's nothing that says any of the poems have to be new. I think if they had already won something that would be a different matter, even though it doesn't say that.

[Jayne Osborn]

"So this is a humor contest, eh? Nothing seriously blasphemous allowed? "

It's definitely not a venue that's well-known for its humour, Terese. Not in the way The Oldie and The Spectator are, anyway.

Jayne

[Ann Drysdale]

G-g-go for it, Simon.

[Jayne Osborn]

What a god idea, Annie.

[John Whitworth]

Oh come, Jayne. I just won there and Martin Parker was second and Janet Kenny third. We're all barrowsful of laughs.

[Jayne Osborn]

Yes, you lot certainly are, John; I was referring to 'them', but even 'they' are more amenable towards humour now than back in the old grumpy days when Auberon Waugh was the editor!

Very often his piece on the comp entries would start with something like: "The entries were of a very poor standard this month..."

[John Whitworth]

Well, at least Auberon is helpfully dead. He was as bad as his dad at being a total pain in the bum. I never tried the comp in those days.

[Graham King]

I initially thought this topic off-puttingly unmanageable. But I wonder if this approach may be deemed acceptable?

Blasphemy

My Master named me Blasphemy.
It saved him time, you see;
He didn’t need to add on curses
When commanding me.
And just for extra interest -
More pleasure for my Owner! –
He gave me other names as well:
To wit, Judas and Jonah.

So “Jonah Blasphemy, come here!”
Or “Do this, Judas Jonah!” -
Those were the harsh commands I’d hear,
Each bellowed by my Owner.
It made his attitude quite clear:
He hated me, as good as.
Those names still echo in my ear:
“Blasphemy Jonah Judas!”

They say “Don’t give a dog a bad name” -
That man gave me three.
A triple dose of woe and blame,
He poured it into me.
It’s said “Don’t bite the hand that feeds” –
The hand that beats, as well?
I slipped my chain and crushed his throat
And sent his soul to hell.


(S3L7: I originally had 'tore his throat'. 'Crushed' incorporates 'rushed', which is apt to the act, and also I felt it conveyed better than 'tore' the intentional stifling of that arrogant hateful voice.
S2L7: was 'Those names, they echoed in my ear:'
I am still not sure which are the better lines.)

[Roger Slater]

Blasphemy

I cannot be
a blasphemist
since God, you see,
does not exist.

If God is but
a vapid dream,
who or what
can I blaspheme?

[Graham King]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Blasphemy
can I blaspheme?

Roger, if you'll allow, there's a wry anagram lurking in there:

Can I blaspheme? - Me? A splenic “Bah!”