[Jayne Osborn]

Jerome,
I can tell you with absolute certainty that Charlotte was NOT Tessa Castro.

The automatic response that you and John received is just temporarily in place till Charlotte is replaced, but comps@theoldie.co.uk isn't going to alter. Everything being sent to it will be passed on to the real Tessa, have no worries.

Jayne

[Roger Slater]

The Apology

I'm sorry that I did not douse
the flame that razed your lovely house,

nor did I, when the flame was small,
take out my cellphone and make a call,

but since I've spoken with my parson
and learned that Jesus frowns on arson

(a lesson I had failed to catch)
I most regret I lit the match.

[Roger Slater]

The Apology

I'm sorry that I punched your nose.
I'm sorry that I busted it.
The devil whispered in my ear.
I never should have trusted it.
But there it sat, turned up a bit.
My fingers formed a fist.
I looked at you. You're such a twit.
How could a man resist?
In life, temptation's everywhere.
I'm mostly in control.
But holding back so constantly
Can wear upon the soul,
And so there will be times, I guess,
And this was one of those,
When one must do what one must do
And punch the bloody nose!

[Ann Drysdale]

Sorreeeeee

In Wile E Coyote reality
I've subverted two threads
With unfortunate saids
So here's number three, for finality.

[Brian Allgar]

That had me rocking with laughter, Ann!

[Douglas G. Brown]

Trinacria published this a couple of years ago. It is way too long for the current comp., but maybe I will whittle it down somehow;

Father Arnold

(On May 9, 2011, Arnold Schwarzenegger separated from Maria Shriver, his wife of 25 years. A week later, it was revealed that he had fathered a son some 14 years earlier by his housekeeper Mildred Patricia 'Patty' Baena.
Here, he appears on a TV talk show; with a female interviewer, Maria, and Mrs. Baena. Arnold still doesn’t quite get it, but he does manage to squeeze in the last word.)

“You are old, Father Arnold,” the newswoman said,
“And your housekeeper’s son looks like you.
Oh why did you screw, when you could have got head?
Don’t you think that was risky to do?”

“When I was on steroids, my testicles shrank
To a very diminutive size.
I wrongly concluded my ammo was blank;
So I fired at targets, unwise.”

“You are old, Father Arnold, and you seem somewhat weak
For women besides your Maria.
Your love - child’s exposed, from a tabloid - style leak.
Don’t you think this will ruin your career?”

“My gubernatorial term has run out,
And I’m smeared with political shame.
But Hollywood beckons; where there’s not a doubt
I will soon be returning to fame.”

“You’re a jerk, Father Arnold!” Maria proclaimed,
“With a bastard son out of that cow.
And everyone else but yourself you have blamed.
Would you kindly explain yourself, now?”

“When I wed you, my dear, you were hearty and hale,
With the firm solid flesh of your youth.
Now, like an old witch, you are scrawny and pale,
And excessively long in the tooth.”

“You are scum, Father Arnold!” Mrs. Baena exclaimed.
“Why, you’re turning your back on me, too!
When Maria had dumped you, we’d marry, you claimed;
But now you are saying we’re through.”

“I gave you a job, and I bought you a house,
And financially fixed you for life.
I know that you think I’m a horrible louse,
But I’m on the prowl for a new wife.”

All three of these women, in unison, said
“Father Arnold, sooner or later
You’ll be riddled with bullets until you are dead,
With a woman as your Terminator.”

“Mere servants and women should stay in their place.
You were put on this Earth, it is true,
For the prurient needs of my Aryan race.
Now, it’s hasta la vista to you.”

[Jayne Osborn]

Very amusing, Doug

Jayne

[Lance Levens]

Bill Clinton to his wife, Hillary Clinton

I'm down here on my knees, I'm begging, baby, please.
I'll never ever find another girl like you.
We lie so well together, in good or stormy weather,
We lie so well we don't what is true.

Please drop the private cop you hired to make me stop.
He creeps me out: He ogles when I pee.
I'm begging baby, quit, I'll drop the horn dog bit,
I'll be as true as any stud can be.

And don't buy the latest lie. (Lord, it makes me want to cry!)
I've never met a blond in Motel Six.
You know I like the Marriot, some place where the sheets are hot.
(And there's no such place as Willie's Motel Styx!)

[Brian Allgar]

The Iron Lady's Apology

We urged you all to buy the house you rented
And start a little business of your own,
For interest rates were low, inflation dented,
And everyone could well afford the loan.

But shortly afterwards, we thought it best
To let the interest rates insanely rocket;
Businesses folded, homes were repossessed -
We stole the pound you thought was in your pocket.

“People must stand upon their own two feet”,
We said. “We’ll not support lame ducks.”
Yet, seeing all the homeless in the street,
Although they say I couldn’t give two fucks

If suicide’s their sole escape from debt,
Or lightning from the sky should sunder them,
I sometimes feel a twinge of faint regret
For having shot their feet from under them.

[John Whitworth]

Ogles, Lance. Good one.