[Nigel Mace]

THE OBJECT OF MY AMOROUS INTENTION IS SOMEWHAT AKIN TO A CARMINED FLORIBUNDA

The object of my amorous intention is somewhat akin to a carmined floribunda
That despite inclement weather has blossomed before the summer solstice:
This, the focus of my amatory passion, is a symphony of sound at which to wonder
For her complex lyric lines have blended into one melodic poultice.

As undoubtedly toothsome as you very clearly are, my delightful little piece of crackling,
So stands the not inconsiderable footing of my heart’s emplacement:
And the puissance of my passionate persuasions will remain staunch and erect, despite all tackling,
Till climate change ensures all the oceans’ evaporative displacement.

Until such alarmist predictions discover some real confirmatory support, my pussie,
And diverse strata are solar super-heated to an aqueous state:
And even in those circumstances you will retain my most devoted affection, my floosie,
For as long as significantly improved life expectancy will rate.

And now I must pronounce, “Farewell, a long farewell!”, to you the sole object of my idolatry
Repeating it, lest you could never quite recapture this last parting’s rapture!
And you may rest certain that I will engage to return to you again, my dearest chickadee
Though it were to prove a journey of eight point eight million times my stature.

[John Whitworth]

The Gavin Ewart someone was thinking of:

Two Semantic Limericks - Gavin Ewart
1. According to The Shorter Oxford English Dictionary (1933)

There existed an adult male person who had lived a relatively short time, belonging or pertaining to St. John’s*, who desired to commit sodomy with the large web-footed swimming-birds of the genus Cygnus or subfamily Cygninae of the family Anatidae, characterized by a long and gracefully curved neck and a majestic motion when swimming.

So he moved into the presence of the person employed to carry burdens, who declared: “Hold or possess as something at your disposal my female child! The large web-footed swimming birds of the genus Cygnus or subfamily Cygninae of the family Anatidae, characterized by a long and gracefully curved neck and a majestic motion when swimming, are set apart, specially retained for the Head, Fellows and Tutors of the College.”

2. According to Dr Johnson’s Dictionary (Edition of 1765)

There exifted a person, not a woman or a boy, being in the firft part of life, not old, of St John’s* who wifhed to – the large water-fowl, that have along and very straight neck, and are very white, excepting when they are young (their legs and feet being black, as are their bills, which are like that of a goofe, but fomething rounder, and a little hooked at the lower ends, the two fides below their eyes being black and fhining like ebony).

In consequence of this he moved step by step to the one that had charge of the gate, who pronounced: “Poffefs and enjoy my female offspring! The large water-fowl, that have a long and very straight neck, and are very white, excepting when they are young (their legs and feet being black, as are their bills, which are like that of a goofe, but fometimes rounder, and a little hooked at the lower ends, the two fides below their eyes being black and fhining like ebony) are kept in ftore, laid up for a future time, for the fake of the gentlemen with Spanish titles.”

[John Whitworth]

Blue Suede Shoes

My first is the cash valuation,
My second the central attraction,
My last is the mobilization,
Now my pussy is ready for action.

But my shoes of blue suede,
Double sewn, custom made,
Must be free of your pedal infraction.

You may batter my face with a shovel,
You may publish me guilty as Cain,
You may level my house to a hovel,
Steal my carriage and drink my champagne,

But my shoes of blue suede,
Double sewn, custom made,
You may never insult or profane.

[Nigel Mace]

Very neat footwork, John!

[John Whitworth]

Thank you Nigel. Unfortunately I doubt if Lucy calls it a poem.

[Rob Stuart]

Originally Posted by Mary McLean

Brilliant Rob, but I would like to pompously take issue with your scientific description: petals don't possess spectral coordinates, they reflect light of a given wavelength and frequency. I feel that your N would get this right.

Mary, your pedantry delights me. I shall make amendments forthwith.

[Rob Stuart]

Three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception,
Three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception,
Witness the manner in which they rapidly perambulate,
Witness the manner in which they rapidly perambulate,
They all rapidly perambulated in pursuit of the spouse of a person owning an area of land given over to the production of food
Who retaliated by amputating the flexible appendages attached to their torsos with a tool designed for the slicing of cooked meats.
Did you ever witness a comparable spectacle in the entirety of your existence
As three members of the genus Mus lacking the faculty of visual perception?

[John Whitworth]

That wins, Rob. I think it wins.

[Graham King]

I've written six rhymes in a row;
Not a boast, quite; I fear that I show,
By absorption in poetastic frolics,
I'm chronic'lly pompous and prolix.

In short- am I wordy and vain?
Verbose and inflated amain?
Not humble and diffident duly,
But wildly expressive; unruly?

Does diligence in such a task
Mean I'm schmuckish, a tad? Do I ask,
In hope I'll be told that I'm not,
But rather, a wonderful swot?

Herein ends my well-versed angst-romp
On the subject of long-winded pomp
Which I beg that you'll show all the praise that you owe
To a man you now know from whom such writings flow.

(Cheerio!
Now to comp...)

[Roger Slater]

This Be Not Standard Metrical Prosody

Mothers, fathers, or anyone serving in loco parentis,
Have a tendency to leave their children non compos mentis.
Piaget has demonstrated that this phenomenon happens because
Parental behavior tends to reinforce the formation of character flaws.

The parental units, however, during their own pre-adolescence,
Were themselves rendered non compos mentis by their parents' premature senescence
Which revealed itself in a series of violent mood-swings that all too often
Ranged from affection to wishing one's spouse were immediately in his or her own coffin.

Human misery may be productively likened to a track-and-field baton.
The runner stops, his contribution complete, but the misery races on.
The data have been collected and collated, and the results are not abstruse:
Leave home as soon as possible, and do not reproduce.