[Pedro Poitevin]

This one is perhaps too creepy for me. I'd like it more if I sensed more of the ambiguity Janice thoughtfully describes. I can't imagine this being God excusing himself because strokes like You tried everything to get me off make the sexual undercurrent too harsh. Then again, I'm not the most discerning reader of religious language. I do sense mastery in the craft of this sonnet and in its effect on me, but it fails to quench my mind's dichotomic thirst for resolution or ambiguity of meaning.

Pedro

[Shaun J. Russell]

I'm with Pedro.

Having said that, I'm actually really impressed by Janice's breakdown, as it brings to light some possibilities I hadn't considered.

I can really appreciate the breadth of the Donne connections, and I typically don't mind poems that are "creepy" (I like a lot of James Dickey's poetry, for instance...). But this one falls flat for me. It seems that it's trying too hard to be creepy and dichotomous. In other words, it feels a little forced. I mean no offense to the poet, as the trope is a difficult one...but my feeling is that it misses the mark.

Incidentally, Susan is right about the rhyme scheme. It's a modified Petrarchan.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Just an additional note about that second line +. @Pedro.

You tried everything to get me off / and go.

This is another instance of the ambiguity I spoke of earlier. Although our minds will perhaps settle first on the sexual innuendo of "get me off" (which has been around longer), it is worth remembering that the phrase also means "to please greatly".

get someone off

verb phrase

1. To bring someone to sexual climax : She was really eager and it didn't take long to get her off (1860s+)
2. To please greatly; move and excite : Ron sings so fast because it gets us off/ I've got to write stuff that will get people off (1960s+)

And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Matthew 3.17. All those long Sunday mornings of sonorous preaching weren't wasted; they contributed to my general education of literature.

[Eileen Cleary]

I enjoyed Adrian Matejka’s The Big Smoke, Joan Houlihan’s Ay and Steven Cramer’s Clangings, all examples of modern persona poems. One can even write in the persona of a former self, as Marilyn Nelson does in How I Discovered Poetry.
There is so much depth and care needed to consider and remain faithful to voice of a persona, and I think that the precise words and references in this poem make it accomplished.

Not every persona is likable, but the human experience is vast and, of course, there is room for all (or most!) of it in poetry.

For example, in AI's poem:
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171245

Poems like this are hard to read and write. Congrats to the author.
Eileen

[Janice D. Soderling]

Me again. (Sorry, to be so noisy, but please know that this will be my only thread commented on as I am soon hitting the road. I'll catch up when and where I can.)

BUT. I have something to say about the form. It isn't a mishmash and it isn't a modified. It is an envelope sonnet.

With reference to "The Penguin Book of the Sonnet" (editor Phillis Levin) which has a closing chapter on "The Architecture of the Sonnet", this is the definition of an "envelope sonnet."

A variant of the Italian sonnet that adds two more rhymes to the octave (abbacddc), resulting in two separate quatrains of rima baciata; the sestet remains variable, as in the Italian sonnet.

So this is a poet who knows what he or she is doing and it is a tour de force for opening day. (But I luv the the other Day 1 sonnet as well. Just don't have time for a detailed analysis.)

[Toni Seger]

I appreciate this poet's admiration for Donne which I share. In fact, the poet has mined the original material for its jewels and rolled out the narrative well.

However, except for the title twist (A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning), it does not evoke Donne for me. It does not draw me into its world as Donne's does, nor does it evoke in me any of the emotions that the original does.

This probably sounds unfair because, after all, Donne was such a great master. However, because the poem has drawn so heavily on the original in its crafting, I must make the comparison.

[ross hamilton hill]

Agree with others, it has no moral dimension, it reads well and that's seductive, there's good lines and word choice but I don't like horrror movies or lots of movies that recreate evil rather than try to understand it and this reads very much like a scene from a movie, in poetic form.
The title should be Groan, (grown). Leave Donne out of it.

[Catherine McDonald]

I too took it to be about the Crucifixion. I took the narrator to be God the Father addressing God the Son. Unlike Janice, though, I don't think he is excusing himself. And as wild as this may seem, I found this very religious, but not from a believer's POV. There is an ironic tone employed by the writer in the N's discussion of the Crucifixion, which is part of the N's divine plan offering a life beyond death. Death offers salvation in the Crucifixion, therefore, death need not be mourned. I like Against here. It fits the tone of an Old Testament God. Thou Shall Not Mourn...and here's why:

Christ, I see you’re finished lying here. I took this to be a reference to the resurrection with a wordplay on mourning. Easter morning is about rejoicing, not mourning. So while it marks the end of a mortal life, in this case it is no reason for mourning because it is the beginning of eternal life.

You tried everything to get me off /and go is possibly a reference to Gethsemane. Luke 22:42 Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me. Yes, "get me off" is sexual, but also suggests the language of someone asking to be left alone, get off my case, back, etc.

It was distressing how you coughed, /until you stopped. The father watched his son suffer on the cross. Even though the Father is divine and all of this is part of a plan for salvation, the Father cannot help but be moved by his Son's suffering. He is a father.

Sweet, I’ll leave you somewhere/ safe, I swear./Nearby. Golgotha was not far from Christ's tomb, but the sequence seems to imply this is taking place in the tomb. So, from this perspective, heaven could be the somewhere.

You’ll never need/ to wonder why I brought you to my stale/ crib would seem to be a reference to the tomb. Because of the resurrection, Christ would no longer wonder (or want to escape his burden and "go") as he would no longer have mortal concerns such as death. The Father's plan would have been realized.

...made you show your age... As opposed to divine or even fallen figures (Satan), mortals age and show it. The curse of Eden. The narrator made an example of his Son through the Crucifixion and showed the limitations of mortality.

...until your nails/ tore ragged hours down my chest. The Father witnessed his Son's suffering for three hours, from noon until three, nailed on the cross. Don’t bleed so fast, Dear. Despite the fact that it entails horrible suffering, it is something that can't be rushed. This burden has been in place since Adam and Eve.

I’ve been your chaperone,/ a steady hand to waltz you through some songs/of stuff that conquers all and makes us one. The father watched over his son and was the inspiration for sermons, parables, and miracles. Belief in a divinity and salvation unites and gives identity.

I’m touched, grateful that you’ve come along/– just to feel the long arm of a grown/ man’s relief. A grown man's or mortal's final relief from suffering is death. His son took on a mortal form to die in an act of sacrifice. The N is moved by this.

I’d never do you wrong. Christ is his only begotten son. He loves him. The Crucifixion is a divine plan of salvation, not torture.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Not wild at all, Catherine. A very credible believer POV that cranks the poem up yet another notch. All that you mention is certainly there.

It makes the poem even more gruesome though. (For me.)

[Mary McLean]

Hmm, so the stale crib was in Bethlehem? I must admit Catharine's analysis makes more sense to me than any other reading. FWIW, I initially read it as being the murder of an older woman not a child. It appeals to me a bit more now, but mostly just with admiration of the skill of disguising one sort of poem so completely as another. Still not sure why one would want to in this way.