[Jim Hayes]

The Giving of Tongues

It was late in the sixth day and God had one last chore —
to give mankind its languages ( a thousand tongues or more)
“Listen to my voice” He said “ and know what you will speak!”
The Irish queued up to get Erse, the Greeks lined up for Greek.

The French got an accent that a million women cry for ,
the Scots aquired a dialect impossible to decipher.
The task was nearly finished and His voice was trailing off
when the Dutch were given Dutch as they listened to Him cough.

Jim Hayes

[Jerry H Jenkins]

Jim,

This is funny and typically Hayesian. The joke unfolds smoothly and plausibly, without major artificiality or distortion, setting up the punch line well and delivering it nicely.

I had trouble getting into the flow at the beginning, which seems to me to require an odd emphasis on “It”, and then leaping over a few small rocks to get to the much smoother phrase “but God had one last chore —“

I played with an alternative such as this:
“Day Six. His work was almost done, but God had one last chore —“, and replacing ‘got’ with ‘obtained’ in line 5.

Typo in ‘acquired’.

I enjoyed this, and Tim’s idea of a collection of versified jokes is welcome. I look forward to reading the forthcoming contributions.

Jerry

[Kate Benedict]

Always loved this joke. Thought I'd give it a try.
-------------

Ballad o' Jack


“Woman, I be sick. O Lawd, I’m hurtin’ so.
I hate those ‘spensive doctors but a doctorin’ I’ll go.”

“Suit yo’self, Jack. I’ll suit mine and sleep an hour mo’.
Don’t come back without a pint of Gordon’s from the sto’ ”

When Jack got back he poured some gin and grinned real bright and pure.
“Woman, I got godly news. I sick but they’s a cure.

The doctor probed and poked and then he firmly said to me.
‘Three meals a day is all you need, good lovin’, TLC.

Else we put you in the ground, so heed me, I don’t lie.’ ”
Jack’s woman rolled her big brown eyes. “Honey, you gon’ die.”

[Jim Hayes]

Jery thanks for the good suggestions and the thumbs up, I am most obliged indeed. Always good hearing from you!

Kate, I love the dialog and the construction, the joke is a beauty I did an Irish version of but I'm much taken with what you've done.

Congratulations;

Jim



[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited January 28, 2004).]

[Roger Slater]

I think I have just one that wasn't posted back with the original batch. I didn't post this back then because Sam Gwynn beat me to the punch on the joke:


SUNDAY DEVOTION

The moment Jack approached the green to putt,
he saw a limousine beyond the fence.
Jack put down his club, removed his hat,
assumed a pose of purest reverence,
and stood there watching as a hearse went by
trailed by long black cars with headlights lit
despite the daylight. Jack let out a sigh,
bowed his head down low and wept a bit.

His comrades in the foursome were impressed.
“We’re shocked to learn how sensitive you are!
You are a pious man! Who would have guessed?
We thought your only thought was breaking par.”

Jack said, “I’m not ashamed to show my tears!
That woman was my wife for forty years.”

[Julie]

Massachusetts v. William Kennedy Smith


William K. Smith, accused of rape
had a slick excuse.
"Patty had a choice" he said,
"and shouldn't cry abuse."

"I told Pat that I wanted her
but she just shrieked and moaned.
'Instead,' I said, 'my Uncle Ted
could try to drive you home.'"


(More proof that I shouldn't try to do light verse!)

Julie

[Jim Hayes]

Dead Cat

A little boy arrived in school and said;
“I saw a dead cat on the road today”
“And tell us how you knew the cat was dead”
Little Tommy heard the teacher say.

“I went real close and pissed into its ear”
The little boy replied to her chagrin.
“Such language I don’t ever want to hear
within these walls-- you know it is a sin“

“O no” the boy replied as she reproved;
“I 'psst' into its ear-- it never moved!”


Jim



[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited January 28, 2004).]

[Kate Benedict]

What fun these are--and thanks so much, Jim. I'm sure your brogue version of the "you gon' die" joke is dandy.

I swear, this next joke (unrhymed, of course) was told to a trainload of subway straphangers in NYC by a witty conductor, over the PA system:
---------------

Ten Year Later


Jamaica, dear, do you recall
how slim you used to be?
“My coke bottle” was my name for you,
my shapely wife-to-be.

Why, James, of course I do recall!
What pet name could be sweeter?
I’m still your coke bottle, my love,
but now I am two liter!

[Tim Murphy]

These are really fun. I think there's never been anything more conducive to high spirits at the Sphere than versifying these jokes. Kate, I think more regularity is required, as in:

Ten Year Later


Jamaica, dear, do you recall
how slim you used to be?
“Coke bottle” was my name for you,
my shapely wife-to-be.

Why, James, of course I do recall!
What pet name could be sweeter?
I’m still your Coca Cola, love,
but now I am two liter!

[Henry Quince]

Tim, you have invited reposting/revision of previous posts under "Vol 2" which (I think) never got sent to "Light"?

My "religious" poem:
....


The Rooster (revised)

A priest who’d lost a rooster asked his flock,
“Is there somebody here who has a cock?”
And every man stood up. His face turned red;
“I meant, who here has seen a cock?” he said.
And all the women stood. His face now wore
A frown. “No, no, I’ll try it just once more —
I mean, has anybody seen my cock?”
And all the choirboys stood up in a block.
....

The Rooster (original)

A priest who’d lost a rooster asked his flock,
“Is there somebody here who has a cock?”
And every man stood up. “No, no!” he said,
“I’ll try again. Who here has seen a cock?”
And all the women stood. His face now wore
A frown; he said “I’ll try it just once more —
I mean, has anybody seen my cock?”
And all the choirboys stood up in a block.



[This message has been edited by Henry Quince (edited January 29, 2004).]