[Paula Fernandez]

Ghazal on (non-essential additional information)

Asides, a list, a fact, all thrown inside parentheses.
What other matters might be sewn inside parentheses?

The invitation’s in the mail, come share our wedding joy!
(+1) and your true love's unknown inside parentheses.

When your belly yawns (__) and you want a little treat,
ice cream perches on its \/ inside parentheses.

Party names are all we need to identify foe from friend.
(Dem) or (Rep)? Should we disown inside parentheses?

Within the span of cosmic time, the little things don’t count.
(All of human history) has grown inside parentheses.

A date of birth. A date of death. A life enclosed and done.
(My father) lies as still as stone inside parentheses.

Christian, Muslim, Jew, or None. Are these IDs essential?
(Your God) can sit upon his throne inside parentheses.

Your email came. I understand the pressures that you faced.
But (I’m sorry) one cannot atone inside parentheses.

It’s victors who write the narratives. Will history ever hear
(35,000 Gazans) groan inside parentheses?

The parentheses of love face out to embrace a broken world.
Only )love( can change the tone inside parentheses.

It’s a peaceful place, this nest, a dark burrow in the text.
(I) think I’ll sit here quite alone inside parentheses.

***
edits
S1L1: "are" -- > "all"
S2L2: "can come" --> "'s unknown"
S3L1: "." --> "," at end of line
S9L2: "35000" --> "35,000"

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Paula—

I enjoyed this a lot! I thought about how many of the events of life seem parenthetical at the time they occur, only gaining rich significance (regrets?) much later. I’m delighted by the different way you use parentheses to suggest relationships among things. This poem reminded me of E. E. Cummings’ poem, “[since feeling is first],” which has the last two lines:
for life’s not a paragraph
And death I think is no parenthesis

I had a little trouble finding the qaafiya in the second sher. I’m looking for a word that rhymes with “sewn” and can’t find one in S2. If the word “come” were replaced by “shown,” it might work.

In S3, the use of \/ for “cone” was very clever.

In the last sher (maqta), you use “(I)” to serve as a takhallus, suggesting your hidden self.

This is my favorite of your pieces I’ve seen, Paula.

Glenn

[Mark McDonnell]

Paula, I think this is really imaginative, clever and engaging. It's playful but also moving and deadly serious and those elements don't jar, for me at least. My favourite of yours. Well done.

A couple of things:

"Asides, a list, a fact are thrown inside parentheses."

Even though I understand the grammar, "a fact are thrown" keeps sounding odd to me. What about

Asides, a list, a fact, all thrown inside parentheses.

Should the full stop after "treat" be a comma?

[Carl Copeland]

This is Fourth of July fireworks, Paula! Each sher is a new and surprising burst. In addition to Mark’s comma, there’s a typo in the second sher: “came come.” I’d add the comma to “35000.” And what’s the deal with reversed parens for “love”? It’s another dandelion clock for me. This ghazal wants publishing urgently!

[Roger Slater]

Glenn, Mark, and Carl speak for me as well. I share their admiration for this poem and second their thoughts on punctuation and the like. Brava!

[Paula Fernandez]

Glenn, Mark, Carl--Thank you all so much for your encouragement. I wouldn't have thought to try this form if I hadn't seen Carl's brilliant use of it on this forum. Now that I'm playing with it, I really love it. I think I have made all your edits. I'm still thinking about a better rhyme for sher 2. I don't like throwing in a (barely) slant rhyme so early, but I want to save that sher. I'll come back to that.

Glenn--Thank you for the e.e. cummings reference. I hadn't thought of it but now that you bring it up, I see the connection.

Carl--This is my second go at writing a ghazal for the prompt "write a traditional ghazal referencing another poet". This one was inspired by and references a poem by Ulalume Gonzalez de Leon called )Parentheses( in which there is a line "but the parentheses of love open backwards". See here for her whole magnificent piece: https://exchanges.uiowa.edu/issues/w...new-article-3/

[Jim Moonan]

.
I'm surprised to hear myself say this about a ghazal, but this is a delight to read. (There are other things I say about ghazals, mostly good, but never delightful).

Each S offers up a new, surprising perspective on a host of intriguing topics and in the (short) span of two lines sums each up in a uniquely poetic way. S3 is a delight. The final two are stunning. (The title).

I've nothing more to add that hasn't been already said by others. Just to say each sher offers a new arc, another slant, another slice that dignifies what often ends up in(side) parentheses.

(Very, very, very) nice!

.

[Joe Crocker]

Originally Posted by Paula Fernandez

Ghazal on (non-essential additional information)



The invitation’s in the mail, come share our wedding joy!
(+1) and your true love's unknown inside parentheses.

How about

(+1) so don't come on your own, inside parentheses

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Carl, when you say "plus one" instead of specifying a particular person, the plus-one is indeed "unknown" and remains just a parenthetical check mark. To me it seems quite clear, requiring just a moment's thought to process (and that quality of needing a moment's thought, I think, is what characterizes a good sher, just as it characterizes a good haiku).

Yeah, I didn’t mean it would be misunderstood, only that it diverts attention from the primary sense of the sher—that the invitee can bring an unnamed someone—to the inessential details that it can be her true love and that she can keep his identity a secret until she gets there. I liked the primary sense explicit, but emphasis on the details does create a backstory with its own interest: maybe the bride and bridesmaids are waiting to see who the guest’s secret love is. You could be right.