[John Riley]

I'm late to this. You've received some great suggestions and used them wisely. I think it's finished and works well. Submit it is my suggestion.

[Cally Conan-Davies]

Jim, it's marvellous to see the progress of this poem! It really has evolved into a lovely thing, resolving many impressions and associations. I love how the rose of part two is pressed in Shakespeare's Complete Works. Very apt! I think Shakespeare mentions roses many times—and many times more than any other flower.

I think Part 1 could be tightened still. Just a little. Some sentences don't seem as alive as they could be, perhaps because of the passive verbs, and sometimes the syntax is awkward to my ear. For instance: "Today I found a single petal had dropped from the rose I had placed in a small cut-glass vase. I had not seen it fall." Feels like too many \"had"s to me. Maybe play with the tenses, and move the second part of the sentence to the start?

Oh, and a moment of confusion for me in Part 1: I thought the "it" in "I watched it for days and weeks" referred to the single petal. Took me a while to realise what was happening. Maybe "I watched THE ROSE for days and weeks".

I love the last line of the second haiku. It makes a lot of meaning for me.

Thank you, Jim!

Cally

[Christine P'legion]

I'm late to this as well, Jim, but I like it very much. Before you submit it anywhere, though, make sure to take care of your double-the at the end of the first prose section!

The the rose burned into my memory.

[Jim Moonan]

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Revision posted. I’m very happy with it.
I kept burrowing deeper with each revision — Something I’ve been told is the heart of revision by many here each time I post a poem. The newest version is nothing like the original.


Cally, Thanks for your words of encouragement. I made many changes with your comments in mind.

John, I cringed at your assessment. (I'll pm you)

Christine, I’ve never actually mined for gold or diamonds, but sometimes I think finding inspiration and writing poetry that is lasting is like what mining for gold or diamonds must be like. I’m a prospector! A panner on my knees at the river! A miner with a flashlight on my head!
The the typo is long gone : )

Paula, Your haibun provided the catalyst for this. The inspiration grew from the events surrounding my brother-in-law's death recently, but your haibun is what gave it a vehicle. Thanks for that. Since the original I’ve veered back and forth, in and out of this being a haibun. As I did some research into what makes a haibun a haibun I realized that the prose poem part is not in keeping with the “in the moment” feel that I think a haibun should have. Matt also pointed out that the haikus may not conform enough to the form to be considered haikus. So for now I'm releasing it from the haibun form : )

The sad reality is, I will soon bury this like a bone and never see it again. All my poems I consider to be cut flowers, destined to disappear without a trace. (I promise It's not as gloomy a thought as that may sound!) But for today at least it is a great feeling to have stayed with this and made the revisions it was needing with some help here.

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[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

The sad reality is, I will soon bury this like a bone and never see it again. All my poems I consider to be cut flowers, destined to disappear without a trace. (I promise It's not as gloomy a thought as that may sound!) But for today at least it is a great feeling to have stayed with this and made the revisions it was needing with some help here.

Jim,

Rattle have a call out for haibun -- which is why, I'd assumed, I've seen a few of them on poetry forums of late. Deadline is this coming Wednesday. And people take all sorts of liberties with the traditional form. Why not send it in?

Matt

[Matt Q]

Hi Jim,

This getting very good. Great job with the revisions.

Some thoughts:

In part I,

Do you need "slowly". It wilts over days, so I'd say that was implied.

For me, the haiku might be more haiku-like, as in more concise, compact briefer as

cut rose
in cloudy water
exhausting itself

which is 12 syllables. And simpler. Maybe more powerful for it? The clouds suggest mourning, sadness, I think. The exhaustion could also be taken as the toll of the mourning on N. You might consider a verb in place of "in", if you want to convey more, I guess.

In part II

Things like a holy card, a program, a scrap of poetry, a photograph, a flower.

For me, this is list is maybe an item too long. I'd maybe lose "program", not least because for UK readers, it sounds like you're keeping a set of computer instructions (We use "programme").

Over time It became nothing more than a sheathed vessel that held the flattened rose

I wonder if you need this line. I'm not sure what it adds, and it's maybe a little editorial/telly. And is the capital 'I' a typo?

"brought" sounded odd, and I thought it should be "took". I didn't know why, so I looked it up. They map onto "come" and "go", apparently. I'm if going to your place, I might take beer. If you're inviting me to come over, you might ask me to bring some. Of course, this is exactly the sort of thing might differ in different regions. So, maybe ignore me on this one.

In the haiku, do you need to capitalise the 'R'? I'd be inclined to use no caps (and full stops) in both haiku.

I also wonder if there's duplication with "pressed" and "compressed"? Isn't the latter already implied by the former?

Also, might "escapes" be better, make it more immediate. Or maybe not. I guess maybe you want to indicate that its gone, rather than it's going?

Also if you change "pressed rose" to "rose pressed in darkness" you'd get a second meaning: that the darkness had been what pressed it.

rose pressed in darkness
colorless, confined,
escapes between lines

-Matt

[Jim Moonan]

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Matt, Thanks for keeping track of this and for coming back. I've pretty much used all your advice. I've made some changes to the wording of the two haiku and am holding my breath that I didn't break them in the process. I'v got them both down to 12 syllables, added "my" to begin both, and made a couple of other changes using your suggestions. I'm realizing now that writing haiku poetry is like creating bonsai art. Meticulous work.

I think I will submit this to Rattle. Thanks for the heads up. It feels done.

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