[Trevor Conway]

Hi Nick,

There were some nice ideas there, but I felt the poem needed some more striking images to raise it above a sense of the humdrum, and maybe a more striking title too.

I've added a few more specific comments below. I hope it's of some help.

All the best,

Trevor

One Day We'll Miss This

Our maple stands tall in the autumn sun [does it have any more interesting attributes than standing tall? Colours? Shapes? Some kind of humanlike impression it gives?]
Two boys stumble through the yard [Maybe "Our two boys"?]
Their screams, their cry, iridescent
Yellow leaves and the scent of a freshly
washed child, passing down the hall [I can't imagine the scent of a freshly washed child myself, but maybe that's just me. Passing down the hall also felt like it wasn't consistent with the outdoor scene I was imagining]

Our maple will add twenty more rings
And they'll flee with the moon tide [I don't really understand the idea of the rings fleeing with the moon tide]
Shadows falling on a burning lawn [The burning lawn is too enigmatic for me. I'm not sure how it belongs in the poem, unless you mean the leaves give the impression of fire. Maybe that's what you mean, and it's certainly a good image, but maybe it could be delivered a clearer away]
A shovel twisting in the winter thaw [I love the choice of the word "twisting" here. Perfect. It gives a nice, dynamic image]
The echo of shoes, footprints [This idea is less interesting, so I'd suggest replacing it with something more original and striking if possible]

Our maple stands tall in the morning sun
Shadows dance on our winding street

[Returning to the maple and the shadows again at the end gives an unsatisfying ending for me. Would you consider bringing the boys/children in again at the end?]

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

Hi Nick,

There were some nice ideas there, but I felt the poem needed some more striking images to raise it above a sense of the humdrum, and maybe a more striking title too.

I've added a few more specific comments below. I hope it's of some help.

All the best,

Trevor

One Day We'll Miss This

Our maple stands tall in the autumn sun [does it have any more interesting attributes than standing tall? Colours? Shapes? Some kind of humanlike impression it gives?]
Two boys stumble through the yard [Maybe "Our two boys"?]
Their screams, their cry, iridescent
Yellow leaves and the scent of a freshly
washed child, passing down the hall [I can't imagine the scent of a freshly washed child myself, but maybe that's just me. Passing down the hall also felt like it wasn't consistent with the outdoor scene I was imagining]

Our maple will add twenty more rings
And they'll flee with the moon tide [I don't really understand the idea of the rings fleeing with the moon tide]
Shadows falling on a burning lawn [The burning lawn is too enigmatic for me. I'm not sure how it belongs in the poem, unless you mean the leaves give the impression of fire. Maybe that's what you mean, and it's certainly a good image, but maybe it could be delivered a clearer away]
A shovel twisting in the winter thaw [I love the choice of the word "twisting" here. Perfect. It gives a nice, dynamic image]
The echo of shoes, footprints [This idea is less interesting, so I'd suggest replacing it with something more original and striking if possible]

Our maple stands tall in the morning sun
Shadows dance on our winding street

[Returning to the maple and the shadows again at the end gives an unsatisfying ending for me. Would you consider bringing the boys/children in again at the end?]

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate you mentioning what you have about imagery because it's a central point in how I approach my own poetry.

That is, I'm generally not trying to stun the reader with imagery, or have imagery be a central focal point of the poem. The hope is to include imagery and phrasing that supports the narrative or scene, even if that imagery doesn't necessarily blow the reader out of the water. The other side of this is that I'm a fairly introverted person in general and usually prefer to create a more subdued atmosphere. But then you get into a situation where some don't find the poem exciting enough, which is fair.

I see what you mean about the Maple line. Personally, I sometimes run into the difficulty of wanting to use language that's simple, not ostentatious, but which still supports the structure and narrative of the poem. At times I'm happy to lean on a little bit of cliche, as long as it's not too obvious and the rhythm of the line is satisfied.

With the 'rings' line and surrounding I think that demands a closer reading of the poem.

Thanks again for your comments, I really appreciate getting them from newcomers. Looking forward to reading some of your poems.

[Trevor Conway]

You're very welcome, Nick. Thanks for getting back on my points. Yes, a balance is definitely required when striking images are used. Too many can make a poem feel contrived/sickening to read.

Looking forward to reading more of your work too.

Trevor

[Robin Neidhard]

Hey Nick! I felt this poem as a mother to three children who are growing out of my grasp. I like how you portrayed this through the melancholy changing of the seasons with images of the ‘autumn sun’, ‘shadows falling’ and ‘winter thaw’.
Yet there’s hope as we see the ‘morning sun’ again. I agree that using shadows twice was repetitive, maybe another word can be used, but I appreciate the beauty of this poem. It touched me as a parent.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Robin Neidhard

Hey Nick! I felt this poem as a mother to three children who are growing out of my grasp. I like how you portrayed this through the melancholy changing of the seasons with images of the ‘autumn sun’, ‘shadows falling’ and ‘winter thaw’.
Yet there’s hope as we see the ‘morning sun’ again. I agree that using shadows twice was repetitive, maybe another word can be used, but I appreciate the beauty of this poem. It touched me as a parent.

Hi Robin, thanks for the comments and touching on the final lines again. It seems those may be a real problem for readers. Glad it resonated.

[Harry Nicolas]

Hi Nick, I like the imagery of the line “Their screams, their cry, iridescent”.I read this as a partner talking about a maple tree growing along with their children, as if it is one of their children. Their children will grow older and leave and move on but the maple tree will be a reminder for the memories that were made there so it is special.