[Jim Moonan]

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Revision posted.

Glenn, There's no escaping the fact that words are sounds. I tried to run with that in the revision. Thank you for your usual insights that so often mirror my own.

Roger, The Frost quote has always been a touchstone for me. I didn't think to include it until just before posting. You're right that it doesn't fit the poem. However, it occurred to me that it did approximate how I feel about the struggle to write. So in the revision I've worked it into the opening lines.

John, I sometimes hold my breath when I see you've commented. Your thoughts are always candid and to the point. You are a barometer to me. It's a relief to hear that what spilled out and was accidentally posted before I was ready to post it is good enough to earn your praise. I wonder if my revision still works for you.

Jayne, I regret the thread title. It's not an overstatement to say I'm embarrassed by it. Words humble me. I gave half-a-thought of sending you a PM to change then thread site to "Words". For now, I've changed the title but may want to change it again. I'm not overly concerned with the poem being too obscure without the specific mention of "words".

Joe, the Prufrock reference was intentional. I've largely moved away from it in the revision. Prufrock has been a constant in my life since I read it back in college. I identify with him.

Trevor, See my comments to Jayne on the title. Your suggested changes got me thinking about
abandoning the obvious "list" quality and instead focus on the sounds and rhythm, so thanks for that.

Jim, When I read your rewrite I thought, "This is it!" and got to work on building off of your suggestions. It led me to the revision I've posted. Thanks for that.


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[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

I like the new direction you chose. Here are a couple of suggestions to consider for spots that I think might benefit from a bit more tweakage:

S2: I lie awake and scheme them, / fall asleep to dream them.

S10: I gladly bear them like an affliction, / suffer madly their addiction.

S11: I think I hear them softly sing to me./ I sing back in a tortured, plaintive key.

Your poem is developing beautifully, Jim!

Glenn

[Jim Moonan]

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Revision posted.

Glenn, I deeply appreciate you taking the time to channel the energy and drive that I'm hoping to instill in this poem. You gave me excellent edits, most of which I gladly take. The rhythm is stronger and the message clearer. Every lover's quarrel needs a confidant : )

Cheers,
Jim

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[Jim Moonan]

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Revision posted.
I've tinkered with this for the past few days but don't know that I've gotten anywhere better. I've beaten the subject to a bloody pulp and don't know why. It gets me no closer to understanding the nature of words and my relationship with them. It's the rhythm and the repetition that I want to echo my lifelong quarrel with them. They clearly do not love me as much as I love them! Maybe all I'm doing is venting my frustration with my relationship with them.

Perhaps the title should be "Them". I think I'll change it...

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