[Nick McRae]

Thanks John

That's three comments on the first line so I'll have to do some thinking on that one. Admittedly I don't mind it as it, but I think I might like sorrowful a bit better. That's not to say sorrowful is the right choice, but 'sorrow filled' is maybe a little awkward.

And I do see your point about 'what does it look like', it's just that the intent is to evoke a feeling with the word itself (sorrow), not what the word represents. I don't really care what the eyes actually look like, I just want to invoke sadness. Maybe it's the wrong way to go, I'll have to see what I can do with it.

Overall I've got a sense of how this one is being read, and what others see as lacking so I'll have to put some thought into it. Do I call it a day and throw it in my next collection with a few tweaks, or do more of a re-write. Overall I don't mind it as is, but I definitely agree that it's not something that would be accepted in a journal.

Nick

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Nick McRae

On Sorrow filled, do you think 'Sorrowful' would work, or does it need a complete re-write?

It's ultimately up to you, of course, but I think there might be a more specific and less expected adjective to start off your poem with. Alternatively, you could just cut the first line and start with "a heart longing ..."

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Hilary Biehl

It's ultimately up to you, of course, but I think there might be a more specific and less expected adjective to start off your poem with. Alternatively, you could just cut the first line and start with "a heart longing ..."

Thanks for the detailed comment, it sounds like I need to do something with it. TBD.

Thanks again to everyone else who replied, I think I've gotten what I need out of this one.