[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Susan McLean

Hilary, I know "rattled" doesn't sound overwhelming. I chose it partly because it suggested something shaking, like a person shivering without her skin.

That's actually a very interesting image in this context, but I didn't get it at all from the poem as is. I wonder if there's a way to bring that out more? Just a thought.

[Julie Steiner]

What Hilary said. (Plus another compliment for the poem overall.)

[Susan McLean]

Julie and Hilary, I have tried substituting "shaky" for "rattled." Does that work better for you?

Susan

[Julie Steiner]

I find "shaky" to be decidedly physical, while "rattled" was decidedly mental/emotional. Maybe something like "naked" would fall nicely between those extremes.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Yes, Susan, this is quite good.
Though L4 still seems not quite right.

Nemo

[Roger Slater]

Yes, "naked" would be perfect. (Another problem with "more shaky" is that one would normally say "shakier" so it comes off as meter-driven).

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Susan,

For what it's worth from the first time I read the poem I took "rattled" to mean an added rattle that rattle snakes gain when shedding their skins.

Jim

[R. Nemo Hill]

I don't think naked really works since it is nakedness that is longed for in S2. Being peeled/blistered/flayed implies more of a wounded state whose psychological reflection might be something like undone (though that presents some metrical problems). You could drop the and, making that clause its own sentence.

I'm more undone than I have been
in decades.

Nemo

[Roger Slater]

That's not how I read S2. I read it that she wants to be able to "refuse to . . . outgrow the skintight sheath," etc., because the "price of living" is to outgrow that sheath but it's too painful. She doesn't want to shed that skin, but life forces her to do it.

I think the colon disrupts the grammar somewhat, so one could piece the meaning together in two different ways, but that was my take.

[R. Nemo Hill]

Ah, you may be right, Roger. In which case I might not like the poem as much as I thought I did...ha!

Nemo