[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

[Did they really "invent" built-in obsolescence? It seems like a big claim that might not be possible to verify]

Yeah, the manufacturers did. It's verifiable. Planned obsolescence is maybe a more common term in the US.

Matt, on my first few reads I shared Trevor's sense that the beginning felt like a bit of an information dump. Now, coming back to it on a fresh day, I can see how it flows from one thought into another.

Forgot to mention in my first comment that the title is perfect.

[Mark McDonnell]

Hey Matt,

I think this is a joy. The way the disparate thematic strands come together is very satisfying, and feels somehow more moving for the playful meta-commentary on the process ("The ending of a poem is a place / of gathering together"). I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[Matt Q]

Jim, Hilary, Cameron, Joe, John, Nick, Glenn, Trevor and Mark,

Thanks everyone. I made a few changes. The only big one is in response to Joe letting me know I'd misunderstood the word "ravelling".

Jim,

Not sure I can manage not changing anything, but that doesn't mean I won't change it back Thanks for spotting the typo.

Hilary,

I'm glad this ending up working better for you on rereading. I'm not sure there's any real difference in meaning between "awakened by" and "awoken by" in this context. Googling, I see that "awoken" more common in British English, so maybe that's why it stuck out for you? Incandescence isn’t necessarily bright or shining -- it could be a dull red glow, for example. That said, I do see what you mean. I think "shining" is there in part because I like the sounds and because, I think, "shining" adds other associations/connotations (something like a beacon, maybe?). I may still lose it, though.

Cameron,

Thank you. That's very good to hear.

Joe,

About "ravelling", that is annoying! I'd just assumed it was the opposite of "unravelling". I guess “ravelling” kind of works, if I think about an untangling of themes, a drawing out. But as you say it seems opposed to gathering together. I’ve tried something different, and maybe a little overdone. I guess I could just replace "a ravelling of themes", with "a drawing out of themes". I'm now preferring "threads" to "themes", because "threads" connects with "filaments" which are threadlike -- though maybe that's being a bit too clever?

I'm also unsure about "specialised". But if the lightbulb is taken as a metaphor, I don't know that "designer" works well with that, with its connotations of fashion. I wonder if "special glass" is better.

John,

Thanks, very pleased this worked for you.

Nick,

Poe's most famous poem is called The Raven, in which the N is mourning a lost love; it features a raven that taps at his window and a refrain in which the raven says "Nevermore". Prometheus stole fire from Olympus and gave it to humans, and his punishment was to have his liver pecked out and eaten by an eagle every day, whereupon it would grow back in time for this to be repeated the next day.

Useful to know that you find the "slid in beneath" construction awkward. It does seem natural to me: it slides into the space/flesh beneath the fingernail. Can you say more about what bothers you about the Poe sentence? Is it a rhymical issue? The poem does become increasingly iambic as it progresses, but this sentence is flat prose. I'd wanted the opening to sound more like reportage, but it might be possible to smooth it out.

Glenn,

Thanks for your reading of this, and for letting me you found it moving.

Trevor,

Thanks, it's always interesting to consider different ways to order a poem. I do need the Poe part, I think, if only to set up the black feathers. I think "Filaments", plural, works better than the singular, because a filament is a thread of sorts, and there are various threads in the poem.

I'd also wondered about "bedroom" and have taken it out.

Mark,

Thanks, that's very pleasing to read. Good to see you back here.


Thanks again everyone,

- Matt

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Nick,

Poe's most famous poem is called The Raven, in which the N is mourning a lost love; it features a raven that taps at his window and a refrain in which the raven says "Nevermore". Prometheus stole fire from Olympus and gave it to humans, and his punishment was to have his liver pecked out and eaten by an eagle every day, whereupon it would grow back in time for this to be repeated the next day.

Useful to know that you find the "slid in beneath" construction awkward. It does seem natural to me: it slides into the space/flesh beneath the fingernail. Can you say more about what bothers you about the Poe sentence? Is it a rhymical issue? The poem does become increasingly iambic as it progresses, but this sentence is flat prose. I'd wanted the opening to sound more like reportage, but it might be possible to smooth it out.

I don't have the grammar lexicon on hand, but I wonder if you might have subject problem on the word 'it's'.

Livermore, scholars say, was a poem Poe discarded, a remaking
of the Prometheus myth, in which it’s a raven that pecks out
the god of fire’s liver

I'm parsing your poem fairly quickly, and in this sentence by the time I get to it's I'm not clear on which subject it's referring to. Whether we're talking Livermore, the Prometheus myth, or something else. It was just too busy of a passage for me to read cleanly without straining.

When I read it more slowly I can parse it, but by the time I get to that point the poem's already lost it's flow.

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I'm not sure there's any real difference in meaning between "awakened by" and "awoken by" in this context. Googling, I see that "awoken" more common in British English, so maybe that's why it stuck out for you?

Yes, it might be. It's also possibly just an idiosyncrasy of my own brain. I googled it as well and couldn't get a clear, consistent answer, so I think you should stick with whatever seems natural to you.

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Not sure I can manage not changing anything, but that doesn't mean I won't change it back
- Matt

So far none of your changes have changed anything.

When I say "don't change anything" I'm being loose with my words. I'm referring as much to the cumulative effect as I am changes to the way you get there : )


.

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Matt,

I first encountered "ravelled" in O level Macbeth where sleep "knits up the raveled sleave of care". I always struggled to get it to make sense. I like your "threads" idea which stitches neatly in to the filaments, and now you've got a "nest" for your raven too. You could use "knit" instead of "knot" but knot works well. I think "special glass" is better than "specialised". It was good fun disentangling the threads. Much enjoyed.

Joe

[Simon Hunt]

I've been reading this for a couple of days now, trying to find something to say that might be helpful to you. I'm giving up on that now, though not on reading the poem. I really like it; that's all I've got. It gets richer with further readings.

[Richard G]

Hi Matt,
enjoyed the Livermore joke and the Poe/Dickinson ending, struggled a little with the layout (kept looking for new lines where a new paragraph seemed indicated.)

I miss bedroom with its links to wake me and morning.
Wouldn't the knotting of frayed threads be weak?
Do you need both shining and incandescence? There are seven -ings in the final three lines, might that be too many?

RG

[Max Goodman]

The pieces all fit together satisfyingly: light, fire, death, the destructive influence of money.

FWIW, it may be true that Poe was working on that "Livermore" poem, but I don't believe it, creating a small obstacle to getting into this poem. There may be a way of working that discarded poem into this one without claiming that it was actual.