[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Glenn,

Now that I've read the revision, I'm in agreement with Matt's original take. I think the poem now just more subtly gets where it's going. I think the ending is stronger for not having the turn compete with it as much.

Jim

[Hilary Biehl]

Hi Glenn, I also prefer the revised line. Consider whether you need the comma after "aglow" - it could just be

She shakes with joy, her face aglow
with gratitude, I think, for all [...]

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger, Jim, and Hilary—

Soundwise, I have no strong preference for the original or revised L10. My only fear with the revision is that the reader might conclude that my dog regards me as her God. I don’t, however, feel that that reading is necessarily the only one possible.

I’ll leave the revision for now. Good catch, Hilary, with the comma after “aglow.” I forgot to delete it when I made the revision.

Thanks, all, for weighing in. Your suggestions are helpful.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

This is really cute! It's a charming and heartfelt poem. You've captured the emotionally resonant moments, and they flow nicely.

One suggestion I have is that the poem’s structure might better reflect the dynamic activity you’re describing. Your current lines feel quite static and end-stopped, which contrasts with the fluidity of the scene. I wonder if loosening the punctuation a bit and reducing self-referential statements ("I") might enhance the poem’s liveliness and immediacy.

Here's one possible revision, to take or leave as you see fit:

Walking with My Dog

She rubs herself against my shin,
which glows her fur to shinier black.
My students’ themes on Hester Prynne
will still be here when we come back.
I snap the leash and off we go,
to sample scents from bark and weeds. ("vacuums" sounds slightly mechanical; something softer might enhance the scene.)
We wander through the trails we know,
and she takes all the runs she needs. (Reducing the self-conscious "I" puts more emphasis on your dog.)
She shakes with joy, her face aglow
with gratitude for this clear call (Removing "I think" keeps the focus squarely on your dog.)
of happiness. Her features show
a pure and loving faith. So small,
deprived of words, yet she can say
enough to show me how to pray.

These adjustments are aimed at enhancing the active, fluid nature of your narrative while putting your lovely dog firmly at the center of attention.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful, Glenn—good luck!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alex—

I’m glad you enjoyed this poem.

I made some adjustments to reduce the number of end-stopped lines. Hopefully it now seems a bit less constipated. I also thought that your advice to minimize first-person references to the N was good, so I made a few more adjustments to do so.

I was sorry to lose “vacuums,” since it seems to me to precisely describe the way my dog processes clumps of clover and those places that dogs seem to use as olfactory message boards. After some consideration, though, I decided that the image was at odds with the natural scene.

Thanks for your detailed, generous analysis and your useful suggestions.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

I really liked the last draft much better, Glenn. I think you should have quit when you were ahead.

[Simon Hunt]

Hi again--You will have to decide which version you like in several instances. Please yourself, not the most recent critic (which is not to say you shouldn't listen to them/us when you think they/we have a point)...

I have to say, though, that I'm with Roger in preferring some of the choices in earlier drafts. For example, I kinda liked the suggestion in the syntax being constrained at first then getting looser as man and dog got outside. Even more so, I liked "vacuuming" a lot, since that is exactly true to my experience of dogs, too (one reason all my dogs are cats--ha). An excited dog may be part of nature but certainly doesn't blend into the background. Also, "exuberantly" seems overstated, maybe too "telly," for me.


Cheers,
--Simon

[Max Goodman]

The first quatrain is charming.

That the dog's exuberance teaches the teacher something is a nice place for a light piece like this to land. What prayer has to do with it, isn't clicking for me.

I stumble a couple of times on my way there: The poem makes a point of telling me the dog is on a leash, so her running in the next sentence jars. "Exuberant" is the one word that doesn't fit the poem's rhythm. Theoretically, that might be an exuberant breaking of the pattern, but that's not how it feels to this reader.

The shaking with joy and face aglow are important to the poem, so I wish those were clearer, fresher images.

Howard Nemerov's "Walking the Dog" comes to mind.

FWIW.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger, Simon, and Max—

I appreciate the time and thought you invested in sharing your reactions.

Roger—I put back the original L2, but added a semicolon at the end of L1 to announce “English teacher.” I also got rid of “exuberant,” which wasn’t working either for meter or tone, and replaced “gratitude.”

Simon—I may need to let this pickle for a few days and come back to it with fresh eyes. I liked the end-stops in the octet and “vacuums,” too. But after re-reading several times, the one-line sentences started to sound like “See Spot run. Run, Spot, run!” The vacuuming seemed to suggest a robotic, Roomba quality, with sinister overtones of Fahrenheit 451. I thought “snuffles” accurately described the activity in a more appealing way.

Max—I thought I could get away with not having to actually mention taking her off the leash. My thinking was that retreating to more isolated trails would be the clue. I agree that “exuberant” was a bad idea. I’ll see if I can come up with a more arresting way to describe her happiness. I found Nemerov’s “Walking the Dog,” a poem I was not previously familiar with. Thanks for guiding me to it. I enjoyed the earthy and heart-warming humor.

Thanks, all—

Glenn

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Glenn,


The other thing I meant to mention is that you should try to come up with a more interesting title.

Rick