[Julie Steiner]

I had the same troubles as Susan with FRA-gile, FU-tile, etc. For me, light verse brings stricter rhyme expectations — I like to hear all the rhymes click firmly into place in a funny poem, so that they don't draw attention from the other surprises.

I can feel your pain with the scenario. With one of my driver's license photos, the clerk actually SMIRKED when he looked at it, as if pleased that he'd saddled me with a particularly unflattering photo for the next ten years.

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Jayne

You probably could find "ile" rhymes that better fitted formal stress expectations. But only if you really wanted to. I had a quick play and came up with this

And, worse, you’re not allowed to smile.
Passport pics are always vile,
…but they have to last for years!
How dare you say I’m juvenile!
Why not make rules more versatile?
My thoughts may fall upon deaf ears
but listen to the rank and file!
Let photos show us with some style
It doesn’t need to end in tears.

FWIW

Joe

[Jayne Osborn]

I feel your pain, too, Julie: ten years is a long time to be stuck with a horrible, unsmiling photo that you're forced to show to others.

I don't fully agree with you on "For me, light verse brings stricter rhyme expectations — I like to hear all the rhymes click firmly into place in a funny poem".

I particularly remember a very funny (and rather racy) poem from years ago, by someone I'm now out of touch with, which rhymed "gal" with "hospital", but he deliberately wrote it, and recited it, so that it came out as "hospit-AL", and everybody laughed at that point, which was the intention, of course - so I think there's a place for sometimes putting the em-PHAR-sis on the wrong syll-AR-ble, if it's for comic effect.

Having said that, though, I don't put that much emphasis on FU-tile and FRA-gile, so it depends how you read it, I suppose. The meter is established by then, so it's not too difficult to make it sound like the other stanzas.

I do take Susan's and your point, however, and thank you both for your thoughts, which I really appreciate.

Jayne

Joe. We cross-posted. Hey, your ideas are great! Many thanks. I'll have another look tomorrow, as it's midnight.

[Jayne Osborn]

Susan and Julie,
"Hostile", "fragile" and "futile" have now all gone! I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't change those words, but thanks to Joe's helpful suggestions I've revised the last stanza and it now does away with the problem of British v American pronunciation of those awkward words.

Joe,
Huge thanks again for your great suggestions. I've used "versatile" and "juvenile", and changed a few other bits in the last stanza too.

I hope you all like the revision.

Jayne

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jayne,

This is delightful and very relatable! You've successfully captured the humorous frustration of dealing with the dreaded passport photo—enjoyable and relatable.

Your revision is indeed very effective and improves upon the original significantly. Especially, I do share the reservations expressed by some others about meter and rhyme in the original. But you’ve also improved on those aspects with the revision.

Good luck with this, Jayne!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Alex,

Thank you. I'm glad you like the revisions - and I'm glad I was nudged into making them!

Jayne

[Jim Moonan]

.
Interesting, light take on a deadly serious subject (Ha!). If you were to add anything more, it would surely be to mention the further humiliation given when the person who is checking your photo against you standing right in front of them immediately sees the resemblance!

If I were writing this poem it would be full of angst, but your take is the better take: light. The rhyme scheme is rather sing-songy, which is borderline cringy to my ear. But then again, so are official passport photos! Your unabashed humor is disarming and the lightness is somehow philosophic in the end.

For some reason my ear wants to hear the word "guile" in the last line of the poem. I was thinking something like:

..............................Meanwhile,
let photos demonstrate our style;
let our guile bring on grins – not tears!

with the metrics worked out.


There is a deeper, onion-like poem to be had from this conceit of the photo not matching the image we want ourselves to project. (I've always been puzzled by the story of Narcissus. I can't tell if it is more narcissistic to always be unhappy with your reflection or vice versa. I can't imagine falling in love with the reflection of myself in the water. Look away!)

Is "Mug Shots" the title? If so, there may be a better title to be had...

Your poems most often have no filter. I mean that in the best possible way. No pretense, no artifice. Just you being you. I want to be more like that.
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[Yves S L]

Hello Jayne,

Reading the revision, it feels like the poem's rhyme and meter, line and sense making begins to strain significantly in the final stanza, but the effect is effective in signifying the increasing exasperation so I am cool with it! Yeah.

[Jayne Osborn]

Jim,
The dreaded new passports arrived five minutes ago, now duly signed and put in a drawer until, as you rightly say, we have to suffer the indignity of being instantly recognised from a dreadful photo!

"Guile" would be a good word to choose (I hadn't thought of that one) if the poem were to be any longer, but I only want the -ile rhymes at line ends, rather than internally as well.

I'm usually hopeless at thinking of titles, but I was actually very pleased when I came up with Mug Shots, the definition of which is a photographic portrait of a person from the shoulders up, typically taken after a person is placed under arrest. It amused me because the unsmiling, unflattering passport photo so often makes people look like a criminal.

As for "No pretense, no artifice. Just you being you," it's the way I've always written, and the only way I know how. I like the accessibility of everyday speech, whereas some poetry leaves me totally befuddled as to its meaning, which spoils the enjoyment for me. Call me lazy, if you like, but I really can't be bothered trying to figure out unintelligible writing if I don't understand what a poem is about!

Thanks again, Jim. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

Yves,
Ha! Yes, the exasperation is the thing, isn't it? The taking of umpteen photos and deleting them each time, only to have the one you send off rejected because "It looks as if your eyes are closed." That's what happened, and I thought it was rubbish about my eyes - so the one they accepted has me looking like I've seen a ghost!

Thanks for being cool with the poem. It's intended to be a cross between making light of the issue and being genuinely frustrated by it.

Jayne

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Jim,
I'm usually hopeless at thinking of titles, but I was actually very pleased when I came up with Mug Shots, the definition of which is a photographic portrait of a person from the shoulders up, typically taken after a person is placed under arrest. It amused me because the unsmiling, unflattering passport photo so often makes people look like a criminal.

I think you're right. I over-thought it and came to the erroneous conclusion that it was too much of an association with "criminal" — which I now come to realize that the unflattering photos are criminal!

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