[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jayne—

Thanks for sharing your response to my poem. Let me share my thoughts on each of your three points:

1. I chose “protecting” rather than “protective” to emphasize that it is an ongoing action on God’s part rather than simply a quality of the shell or mansion in which the N hopes to dwell.

2. The rhyme scheme is a variation of the rubaiyat form used by Robert Frost in his poem, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.” Frost’s poem is in iambic tetrameter and mine is in pentameter. It seems to me to be a form well-suited for eschatological musings. The rhyme scheme in Frost’s poem is AABA BBCB CCDC DDDD. The four rhyming lines in the last stanza signal the end of the meditation.

3. I think you make a good point about the inversion. I fixed it with a revision.

I appreciate your helpful critiques.

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

This isn't working for me, and I love tons of Christian poetry even though I am not and have never been Christian. George Herbert rocks! But Herbert's poems aren't sermons, but the musings and reflections of a flesh-and-blood person who thinks and strives and ponders and believes and doubts, i.e., a human confronting the meaning of life and existence. Your poem doesn't reveal the human being at its heart, it seems to me, and simply paints by numbers.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Four Last Things

The rain falls on us all, just and unjust,
who struggle to choose faith instead of lust. Doesn't the rain also fall on those who don't struggle to choose faith instead of lust?
God’s fields grow weeds of hate and seeds of love.
Soon Death will separate me, soul from dust. This sounds like you're at death's door, looking death in the face. But why is it "soon"? It makes me want to know the circumstances. In general, the poem seems more like a theological essay than the cry or reflection of someone about to die.

Then will my Judgment come from Christ above. Is "above" maybe a bit of a cliche. It's hardly sophisticated theology to say that Christ is "above."
There’s no deceiving Father, Son, and Dove.
The book of deeds I wrote on earth, each page,
will then be seen by all. Perhaps a shove All? I don't think people's deeds are revealed to "all" when they die. Do you? Also, the word "shove" seems forced to me. Who is doing the shoving? What is it? Is this just another word for dying? But in rhyme position, I'm always suspicious that a less-than-exact word has been chosen for the rhyme.

will send me plunging down—my well earned wage:
eternity spent in a mirrored cage,
cast into the jaws and guts of Hell, "The jaws of Hell" is a cliche, and a metaphor that doesn't mesh with anything else in the poem.
devouring myself from age to age. I'm not sure what "from age to age" means.

Perhaps the Father, knowing me so well,
will, in His mercy, free me from that cell, God will be merciful because He knows you so well? Sounds a bit boastful. God knows you and therefore knows you are worthy? Most religious poetry would be saying the opposite, i.e., God knows I'm a sinner and I'm counting on His mercy.
guide me home to Heaven, where I will dwell
with Him, kept in His love’s protecting shell. A shell sounds like a diminutive and restricted area, rather than something all-encompassing. Who craves to live in a shell? I don't think of heaven as a shell, do you? Also, I don't think of heaven as a place where you need protection.
————————————————
Edits:
S1L2: on those who trust in faith or yield to lust. > who struggle to choose faith instead of lust.
S4L3: guide me home to Heaven, with Him to dwell, > guide me home to Heaven, where I will dwell
S4L4: and keep me in His love’s protecting shell. > with Him, kept in His love’s protecting shell.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Roger—

Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate your time and effort.

Doesn’t the rain also fall on those who don’t struggle to choose faith instead of lust.
This is a weak spot. “Faith” and “lust” are not precisely what I intended. What I wanted to say was that God makes grace available to everyone while they are alive, whether they struggle to know and obey Him or reject Him. I made some adjustments to S1L2-3.

This sounds like you are at death’s door, looking death in the face. But why is it “soon?”
The N is simply remarking that life is short and he should consider the state of his soul, as the title suggests.

I don’t think that people’s deeds are revealed to “all” when they die. Do you?
Yes, I do. See my earlier post #8 to Julie Steiner.

The word “shove” seems forced to me. Who is doing the shoving?
Fair criticism. I think of damnation as something we do to ourselves by choosing to reject God, so the one shoving the N into hell should be the N himself. I will try to find a way to make this clear. You are right that, as it is, it is not clear. Some possible shovers are Christ, an enemy of the N, or the N’s conscience. The N is imagining that he might “perhaps” be shoved into hell, so his own conscience seems to me to be the likeliest shover. Maybe it is best not to clarify this and let the reader decide which shover best fits his or her own beliefs.

”The jaws of Hell” is a cliché, and a metaphor that doesn’t mesh with anything else in the poem.
“The Jaws of Hell” is an image borrowed from medieval morality plays. At the end of such plays, like Everyman, the sinful characters were marched to a huge mouth decorated with painted flames and thrown into it to the delight of the groundlings. I linked it to the image of the sinner trapped in a mirrored cage devouring himself “from age to age” (i.e. “forever”).

God will be merciful because he knows you so well? Sounds a bit boastful.
God knows how hard the N has tried, not always successfully, apparently, to please Him. The N is counting on God’s mercy because, as he has already confessed, his damnation would be “well-earned.”

A shell sounds like a diminutive and restricted area. . . .I don’t think of heaven as a shell, do you? Also I don’t think of heaven as a place where you need protection.
I hoped the reader would notice that heaven and hell are very similar in design. Both are confined spaces. Christ describes heaven as having “many mansions.” The only difference is that in hell, God is absent because He has been rejected, so the damned soul is left to look at himself in the “mirrored cell” for eternity and to devour himself by remembering and regretting his badly lived life. In heaven God’s loving presence allows the saved soul to share the Beatific Vision, including the fallen angels and Satan from whom he is protected by God.

Glenn