[Mark McDonnell]

I'm sorry, Alex, but to me it all sounds a bit silly and painfully old-fashioned. I’m afraid I laughed, picturing the speaker declaiming the poem in a supermarket and people politely edging away from him. The naming of a specific supermarket chain also struck me as tonally odd and, to me, comical.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with rhapsodising about fruit, or any of the simple things we take for granted; it's something poetry can do better than almost anything else. But pharaohs, maidens and the Gods of Olympus just distance me from it as a genuine, sensory experience.

Tastes, of course, may differ.

Mark

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Alex,

You've made some major changes for the better. Sometimes the word by word potshot approach to revision doesn't work as well as biting the bullet and giving a piece a major overhaul. One of the things I admire in your work is your attention to sounds. I know that desire makes it trickier to make sense and have a piece read smoothly sometimes, but I'm glad you think it's worth finding a way to keep them in, and I think so too. I liken it to the way a musician finds one lick on a guitar or a piece of melody on a piano and then the rest of the song evolves. Those first few notes have to stay at the heart of the piece.

Jim

[Richard G]

Hi Alex,

this version is even better.
I think so, though I'm not sure about 'hazed light' (and vows now you mention it. Oh, you didn't? Just me then.)

Still not sold on the placement of delight/bite.
How about ...

Here glows what ancients deemed divine.
Barefoot in wine dance, maidens pressed
the vintage. Gods and mortals blessed
this fruit, from Olympian feast
to corner market, west to east.
Your teeth shall pierce the plump delight,
your tongue will purple bite by bite,
across your lips in springtime rush
when vows refresh your lipstick’s blush
the same dark juice that quickened blood
in pharaohs will flow like a flood


RG

[Duncan Gillies MacLaurin]

[quote=Alex Pepple;506460]Duncan, what the heck do you think that was![quote]

Erudite critique, obviously.

I thought we weren't meant to critique a critique. Just say thank you and move on.

Duncan

[Matt Q]

I think you might be thinking of PFFA, Duncan.

[Alex Pepple]

[quote=Duncan Gillies MacLaurin;506486][quote=Alex Pepple;506460]Duncan, what the heck do you think that was!

Erudite critique, obviously.

I thought we weren't meant to critique a critique. Just say thank you and move on.

Duncan

Duncan, where did the insults end and the critique begin for what you euphemistically call critique?
...Alex

[Alex Pepple]

Mark, thanks for looking even if it's not your cup of tea. I appreciate your comments explaining your take.

Jim, I’m glad that it’s looking even better to you. Thanks for the kind words on the soundscape. It’s true, it’s one of the aspects I usually pay extra attention to.

Richard, glad to know that this is even better. I appreciate your pointing out specific problem spots for attention. Also, your reshuffling of the lines, especially for more focus on her at the ending is interesting, and I’m carefully considering its potential. But, I think I should let the piece sit a while before any more edits, especially, anything extensive.

Cheers,
…Alex