Hi Alessio,
My impression is that English is not your first language. It seems to me that some of your phrasings have a thesaurus feel to them, meaning you looked up words to express what you wanted to say rather than having them come naturally. Maybe not. It doesn't matter. Some of the phrasings could use some work for whatever reason. I don't think I'm capable of explaining why some of your choices don't work for me so I am going to offer you an edited version of your piece to try to show you what I mean. I don't consider this a rewrite, because I would never write these words on my own behalf. They are an edited version of your words IMO, with a few new ideas thrown in. Some members here would not like such an extensive edit. Let me know if it bothers you and I'll delete that part of my comment:
I've said too much opposing being spurned
After wasting nights I spent in holding back,
When, as a flower, dying, droops downturned,
I laid my head upon your charnel lap.
I cursed the day first saw your lure of smile.
But now, the barb is set, and bait’s been struck.
I was the fish that flashing specks of joy beguile.
I bit the glittering fly and felt your touch
That pierced my cheek, and hooked, I’d stay.
Since then you’ve hauled my flesh to every state,
And kept my love on ice by trick and way,
And when did I protest for pity’s sake?
But I must find my rest! Unlike the fish,
My trip throughout the loveless, lifeless sea
Has never had thee, love, fulfill my wish
Of resting, dressed out, gutted, safe from 'thee.'
All the best,
Jim
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