[Tim Murphy]

Well, the first answer here skewers me, and I am rolling on the floor.

"Through my years in the Italian opera and my long friendship with Patrick White, I learned..."

or, "In a ouija board consultation with Wystan, I was advised..."

or, "I need this to stomp iambically."

or, "The theme requires that I end stop every line."

[Michael Cantor]

Dougsie - thanks for the detailed crit, and apologies for not getting back to you sooner, but I had to go to the market (I got some terrific shitake, and I'll saute that up in a light sesame oil with spinach from the garden, maybe some konbu flakes on top, and with it I think I'll do fresh trout grilled on lemon slices) but I agree that your idea of cutting the first two stanzas, leading with S5, and then redoing the villanelle as a sestina is not without merit. As a matter of fact, I played with a very similar approach on some of the earlier drafts (what real writers do is they really write, write, write, write - and then they rewrite) - a double sestina, actually, but in five-line tanka stanzas - and decided against it, but it was a coin toss. Poetry, as I have often pontificated, is a craft of compromises (which reminds me of an incident with this courtesan I met at a little geta shop in Nihonbashi, in 1932..) and my feeling is that if you're unhappy with the compromise I selected, we are all entitled to our opinions, and - parenthetically - if you don't like it, you can go and fuck yourself for all I care.

Thanks again to all for the feedback and suggestions. This thread demonstrates once again the value of the Sphere workshop, which would be even better if I didn't have to deal with so many idiots.





[This message has been edited by Michael Cantor (edited July 01, 2006).]

[Quincy Lehr]

Quoi? Personne ne parle anglais ici.

[epigone]

Dougsie,

Thanks for your detailed critique of my poem. As I'm sure you'll agree, the phrase "a poem with zero promise" can be taken more than one way. I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

epigone

A semi-serious side note. I recently workshopped a law review piece just before I was gonig to send it off. One of my colleagues, who tends to get up a head of steam in these settings, told me that she thought my 60-page article could best be improved if I deleted pages 1-34. I told her I didn't find that criticism constructive. It stopped her in her tracks, and it turned out that what she really wanted was for me to get to my thesis more quickly. Moving a paragraph from page 5 to page 2 did the trick. The piece was thereby markedly improved, and the friendship emerged stronger than ever.

[Jan D. Hodge]

PugZ,

I do appreciate your preference for perfect rhymes, but . . .

Emily

[Jerry Glenn Hartwig]

Dougsie

1. Thank you for your honest critique. I will certainly give it all the consideration it deserves.

2. Thank you for your honest critique. I will certainly spend as much time thinking about these suggestions as you obviously have.

3. Thank you for your honest critique. It's not often someone's willing to spend five seconds of their time telling me where I fucked up. I'm amazed you can type that fast!

Are 'b4' and 'ur' Egytpian words?

[Mark Allinson]

Thank you for that, Theodora.

Yes, I do realise that I am using “serene” as a noun here.

And yes, English is my first language.

Have a nice day, Theodora.

[David Anthony]

I think this belongs in Drills and Amusements--it's mine, do you hear?--so I'm moving it there.
Best,
David

[Jason Kerr]

I think I've seen this one before -- not sure where.

Dougsie,

I completely know what you mean about the ridiculous diction, the inept images, and the insurmountable ambiguities. The problem is that's actually how my narrator talks.

Jason

[Larry Powers]

"DOUGSIE: Thank you for your critique."

In offering this "Fresh way to phrase..." an intention
to disregard a specific critique, I cast my eyes
heavenward and appeal for a punctuation mark that
denotes the existence of a pregnant pause.

Without that punctuation mark, how can the above response
be read correctly? The obvious intention of the writer
was to transmit the following:

DOUGSIE:
Thank you for your
{insert pregnant pause here}
critique.

-- Larry




[This message has been edited by Larry Powers (edited June 30, 2006).]