[Robert E. Jordan]

408

Loud blooming flowers
firing volleys in the air
running down our street

Bobby


[This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (edited May 02, 2004).]

[Robt_Ward]

would this "qualify" as a Haiku?

Yesterday, a brace
of rabbits meadow-stung —
my heart was one.

Today, ears twitch
across a field of stubble;
I am still here.

testing, testing...

(robt)

[Lee Gurga]

My, what a deluge of responses! I will try to respond to each. . . but how about two to start?

Carol, while I am not real big on taxonomy, I would like to respond to your "are they or aren't they?" question. I would consider the first two as haiku ("mowing" and "fogged up windshield" being seasonal phenomena). The third I would consider senryu.

While end rhyme is often too "heavy" for haiku, it can be effective in senryu, and is something you might consider for the last poem, especially as you have introduced rhyme already. So as a too big generalization, end rhyme, if it is to be uses, is more in keeping with the mood of senryu, while slant rhyme or internal rhyme more effective in haiku.

If I might express an opinion about the first two poems? Both have virtues, but I find the second better as a haiku. The first "tells it all." While it invites the reader to join in the poet's lazy feeling, it leaves nothing beyond for the reader to discover. The second, however, is effectively ambiguous and allows the reader to actively participate in creating the mood of the poem.

I am glad you asked about "names," which I will interpret to be a question about titles. Traditionally, both in Japanese and English, haiku do not have titles. Early translators of Japanese haiku often gave them titles (and rhymed the first and third lines) to make them look like "poems" to Western readers. When I get a submission to our journal with titles, I can usually assume the poet has read Harold Henderson's "Introduction to Haiku" (a 1958 reissue of a 1934 book)or Kenneth Yasuda's "A Pepper Pod" (a 1946 or 1947 issue). As you can see by the dates, chances are they they are in many ways outdated.

Tim, What can I say . . . nice work. Two images presented without comment or embellishment, allowing the reader to participate as co-creator of a delightful moment.

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

I would like to offer one more comment on Tim's haiku. I find the punctuation a little awkward. The comma suggests that the snowflake is the first element in a list, but, as there is no comma at the end of the second line, we find it is not so. I would suggest either a semi-colon (heavier) or elipsis (lighter). Also, one of the conventions of western poetry that has generally not been carried over to haiku is the use of a period at the end of a poem. Not to say you can't use it, but it is generally seen as an indication that the author is not very "haiku savvy." Just thought I would mention this.

Lee

[Terese Coe]

Michael's "kerplop" is one of my favorites, even if the seasonal allusion may be missing (notice I said "may," Michael: that's because your "kerplop" could very well refer to a seasonal reference only the Japanese would recognize).

Here's an attempt:

Aeolian harp,
wind-played song—
collecting seedpods.


Terese

[Lee Gurga]

Michael, it is interesting to see you poems after reading your comments on the "haiku and tanka" thread. (I hope you will have a chance to take a look at my response to that.)

What I find most striking is the difference in tone between the first and last two. The first two have the "lightness" of classical haiku; in the last two, the imagery has been replaced by rhetoric, a sign of contemporary senryu or zappai.

Interesting lot, all in all.

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Carol, Wow! What a difference without the titles! I have to confess that I like the last the best. The first is OK, but generally, one finds that "cause and effect" haiku (i.e., wind---->button coat) are not the most resonant kind. I think the second version of the "hunter" haiku is more effective: the "shh!" brings the reader right into the poem. If I might make a suggestion, you might consider "Hunters approach and" for the first line. Several reasons:
1. "At" is an empty word here . . . almost like beginning a haiku with an article, which I generally try to avoid unless necessary.
2. While I generally avoid ending a line with "and", I think it helps create an effective sense of incompleteness here luring us (prey that we are!) into the second line. this also combines with the "and" in the next line effectively.

Lee

[Alan Sullivan]

Hello, Lee. Being one of the not very savvy, I wasn't aware that the abandonment of punctuation was considered a virtue among current practitioners of this form in English. Obviously Rhina is among the savvy in this regard. I'm not persuaded at present that it's a good idea. What's the harm in following the forms of our language? It seems to me that the images and their relaionship are the essence of the tradition, and that insight into Zen Buddhism might be the most valuable resource for recreating the sensibility of the form in English.

Alan

[Lo]

I've long been fascinated by Haiku and Tanka....tanka in particular, because it gives me more room to roam in. I'm pretty sure that other than the syllable count, these two offerings arent actually haiku, but they are among my own personal favorites.

Blue Ridge

Listen to midnight
at the edge of the eyrie
two egg-teeth chipping

Come carrion hour
each gray-downed half-winged fledgling
turns face to the east

Observe the sunrise -
how it blinds men and opens
the eyes of eaglets
____

In-Utero

benevolent garden
one foreign seed draws first breath
inhale - divide

three spores are scattered
six cells seek sanctuary
exhale - multiply

malignant conception
each silent new spawn mutates
inhale - exhale

[Patricia A. Marsh]

You have my permission to call me "Carol" if you like, Lee, because your "...Wow! What a difference without the titles!" made my day!

I like your suggestion for changing the first line of my second haiku to "Hunters approach and" . . . especially since I was considering changing that line to read "Hunter approaches". I like your suggested change much better! Thank you, Lee.

As for that first "cause and effect" haiku of mine: You've told me something else I didn't know about haiku! So, thank you for that, too.

All best,
Patricia (aka "Carol"?)

[This message has been edited by Patricia A. Marsh (edited May 02, 2004).]