[Roger Slater]

Books I Never Read

The Critique of Pure Reason
has sat on my shelf
for thirty-two years.
I promised myself

when I was still young
that someday I'd get
around to perusing
this volume. . . Not yet.

[John Whitworth]

I have a volume by Nietzsche with annotations in biro by me forty years ago. I can't understand the annotations, never mind the text. I think it was Honoria Glossop who wanted Bertie Wooster to study Nietzsche. Jeeves thought the fellow fundamentally unsound. Good enough for me.

[John Whitworth]

Roger, can I persuade you to try 'Pale Fire'. It isn't long. I should say 'Potter Blues' has the legs for a winner. Meanwhile here is my effort. Not perfect but the best I can do.

Books I’ve Never Read

I swear I cannot wait to start
The Romance of the Devil’s Fart
By Francois Villon, and I know
The History of Cardenio
By William Shakespeare would repay
Perusal on some rainy day.
Likewise, how good to read, then quote
The racy Memoirs Byron wrote,
Franz Kafka’s works when but a lad,
John Milton’s great Arthuriad,
Or Eliot’s crafty cavalcade,
Literature and the Export Trade,

Ghostly volumes, cunning, clever,
Vanished, banished, gone forever,
Till released from hugger-mugger
By some learned, longhaired bugger.


I have never managed to read a Booker Prize winner, even the Kingsley Amis which seems to me a lot of Welsh bores going on and on.

[Janet Kenny]

Books I've Never Read

“The History of the Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire” fails to whet
my appetite. I haven’t yet
read the damned, thick, square book at all.

It makes me feel an awful ass
when Samuel Johnson is discussed
to see expressions of mistrust
because I don’t know “Rasselas”.

William James is not as funny
as Henry, nor as entertaining.
“The Will to Believe” is far too draining.
I just might read his stuff for money.

Thackeray’s “Vanity Fair” is great.
“Pendennis” is quite another matter.
A lot of snobbish, empty chatter.
I closed the book before page eight.

[Marion Shore]

Books I've Never Read or Confessions of a Closet Illiterate

I.
I’ve never read Bronte
or Benet -- what a bummer!
I’ve yet to crack Dante--
Maybe this summer.

I’ve ignored Shakespeare’s sonnets,
and Cicero’s orations,
but I plan to get on it
come next vacation.

All these books! What a heck of
a lot I have missed!
But I’ll soon check off Chekov
and Thoreau from my list;

I’ll catch up with Dickens
I’ll finish up Proust--
perhaps when the chickens
come home to roost.


II.
I must confess
James Fenimore Cooper
always left me
in a stupor.

But on his oeuvre
I can prove me
quite the scholar.
I saw the movie.

III.
I started Moby Dick
but closed it real quick.

IV.
Admit it. Some classics
revered and enduring,
are bloody boring.

[John Whitworth]

Here's another. Difficult to know what's wanted.

Books I’ve Never Read

A Stolen Kiss
Lord Moyne's Carouse
Unhallowed Bliss
A Virgin's Vows

The Winter Bride
He Promised Pearls
My Sweet Dove Died
Just Working Girls

My Father Hit Me
My Mother Kicked Me
My Brother Bit Me
My Uncle Licked Me

The Quest for Boys
A Lesbian Leap
Transexual Joys
Island of Sheep

[Ann Drysdale]

Books I’ve Never Read

I am a jolly journalist
I use my jolly head
I don’t do news – I write reviews
Of books I’ve never read.

I’ve quite a reputation for
The clever things I’ve said;
I stroke or bite the blokes who write
The books I’ve never read.

I don’t peruse the ones I choose,
I google them instead
And make up fakes from others’ takes
On books I’ve never read.

I sell them all on eBay and
Put butter on my bread
And lemon in my jolly gin
With books I’ve never read

[Gail White]

Originally Posted by Janet Kenny

Books I've Never Read

“The History of the Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire” fails to whet
my appetite. I haven’t yet
read the damned, thick, square book at all.

"Always scribble, scribble, scribble, eh?"
I love it...

[Janet Kenny]

Thanks Gail ;-)
I wondered if anyone would get it.
I chucked out Thackeray and put in Thomas Carlyle.

“The History of the Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire” fails to whet
my appetite. I haven’t yet
read the damned, thick, square book at all.

It makes me feel an awful ass
when Samuel Johnson is discussed
to see expressions of mistrust
because I don’t know “Rasselas”.

William James is not as funny
as Henry, nor as entertaining.
“The Will to Believe” is far too draining.
I just might read his stuff for money.

Thomas Carlyle could bore for Britain,
a racist and bigot without an equal.
“Frederick the Great” has, thank God, no sequel.
When I pack for my trip I won’t put it in.

[peterjb]

Roger's Nash-esque couplet effort ("dollop/of Trollope" etc) seems like a good approach to this one.


Books I Haven't Read

The works of GBS,
who couldn't appeal less.

Everything by Hawking —
I’m put off by his talking.

Since I can’t pronounce Proulx,
The Shipping Noulx.

The Female Eunuch by Greer,
an author I don’t revere.

Remembrance of Times Past:
I might read that last,

though I’m not really seduced
by the thought of an enormously long novel by Marcel Proust.