[David Rosenthal]

Originally posted by Lee Gurga:
David, please believe me when i say with all sincerity that we are all students here. i have been doing this for a long time and i am continually amazed at how stupid i am and how inept many of the haiku i write still are.

Lee

But wait a minute, I thought you were "The Haiku Guy."

But seriously, here are a few revisions:


morning chill,
long after morning:
lingering fog


the calving glacier
echoes like cannon fire;
a seal pup yawns


two steps beyond
the shadow of the redwoods:
the sun!


reveille --
flushing the toilet,
I drown out the trumpeter


all the beautiful trees --
a vacationing artist
sketches a cabin


millions of summers
in the making:
the sand between my toes


and one more new one from the redwoods:


alone
in the redwoods --
not alone


David R.

[Henrietta kelly]

great, great great ideas—I’m all for all of it.
as for the sandbox. Ha! Toss a turd might have applied as well

edit in-- I was very taken with the link you provided
http://renku.home.att.net/kasen/MahjongTiles.html

the renku; it would be really marvellous if given time a group here can write one. Mary and Cally have picked this up so well, I have high hopes I will get to read a Sphere Renku one day .

cats in love . . .
and here at home, steam rising
from my Cup Noodle

Big GRINS


I hear your pain some
folk just cant keep them in at night.
Slurping up noodles

I have a stray who adopted us, I call it -- The Maggot


[This message has been edited by Henrietta kelly (edited October 21, 2008).]

[Cally Conan-Davies]

David R - I hope you don't mind me saying that your revisions have made a dramatic difference! How exciting!

Steve - that's a terrific idea. Drills is perfect for what we need, and the organised form you describe is very wise. I keep hearing Lee say 'respect the reader', which could be the single commandment for all poetry, but writing and sharing haiku confronts the importance of respect full-on.

I have been so impressed by the playfulness intrinsic to haiku. I delight in the feeling of foolishness and vulnerability the form inspires. It keeps you close to something so valuable. A child's perception. A child's heart.

So - I'm all for the sandpit approach! It took me a while to join in the warm-up, although I attended quietly. But if you had called it 'Sand-box' I would have jumped right in, believe me!! So SNAP!

I so agree that Lee's comments on context and the elements are invaluable - so crucial to the success of a haiku. I feel privileged to have shared in the conversation. I have collected his scattered pearls from all the pages of the thread, and they read wonderfully now that I have strung them on a single string. And I have done the same with your judicious gems, too!

I can't be around tomorrow for Lee's final day, so here's to sandcastles and rising steam!

Cally

[Henrietta kelly]

To Lee and Stephen with grateful thanks .

in breaking the ice
bulbs come instinctively
to test both my soles

and I truly believe haiku has done that.

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Mary Meriam:
Henie, I remember the one you wrote about the screen and plum jam. Are you still working on that one?

Lee, I'm from New Jersey-New York, but I live in the Ozarks - not too far from you, I think - where the Osage Indians used to live. As for the cold bed - I meant for there to be a pause at the end of the second line - so that the reader assumes L3 will be "body" or something, but it's just a blanket. I think the bed and kiss ones I wrote this morning drifted perhaps a bit too far away from the true form. Speaking of which, I've caught up on all the posts. My feeling about form is to learn it and follow it as closely as possible, because I believe there is so much to learn from each form. I think even Shakespeare's sonnets do not vary much from strict iambic pentameter. On the other hand, I felt the haiku opened up for me as soon as I let go of the syllable count. I read somewhere that the haiku has many rules, and who can follow all the rules? So letting go of one rule seems fine to me. In case I wasn't clear enough earlier, ahem, the brown leaf is a turd, ok, but damned if I'm inviting the world into my bathroom!

Anyhow, Lee, thanks again for your crits. I have a question for you or Steve C. What about those two line haiku? Or I've seen a few of yours with about 8 lines, maybe - skinny, with a longer line the middle. What's with that?

Chiago, thanks for your tender response. I like this one of yours:

autumn storm
coat scalloping
with wind

Cally, that's a good idea about the list of sensory experiences. I've been thinking along those lines, too, though I haven't written anything down. I just feel more aware of everything, thanks to studying haiku.

cold bed
I need another
blanket

close your eyes
this is my kiss
for you

brown oak leaf
falls on the lake
then light rain

Osage oranges
on the ground
no Osage in sight

PS: Cally, yeah, magic and love, for sure. Both, lol.

Mary, a response coming soon! I am having trouble formatting it, so i sent it to Steve and he is going to help! SOS!

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Cally Conan-Davies:
Lee,

Your thoughts make deep sense and help powerfully. I have my head on by-pass and am taking them in through the heart. I can feel the truth of what you say.

The 'nail gun' is a tremendous example. A wonderful example of synesthesia. I feel that nail of heat with each staccato. That is such a true experience. Wow. You are communicating the feel of haiku so well, and I am so grateful. A haiku snaps and floats.

I raise my wine glass to yours, Lee!

I wrote these this morning as a thank you and farewell gift to you.


honeyeaters
nip and dart
spring morning


autumn evening
burnt paper
lifts against the wind


Cally


edit back to say - So do I, Mary! I was going to say earlier that I feel exquisitely alive right now, and an extraordinary sense of reverence. It's like magic, or love.

Or both

Cally, thank you for the kind words--entirely undeserved!

Your new haiku have a delightful bouyance! Wow! Well done!

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Henrietta kelly:
Mary I cant even remember it off hand as images and poems come to me I scribble them down
I often look at them much later ; scratch my head and wonder who wrote it.
but it is good to get a heads up early on what nearly works – Now I will need to go looking for it --??
It’s my way of improving/learning to overload my system until I get one right,

and sad to say I have had very little time to read all the links and lessons just now-- the older I get the more work I am finding to do.

have I missed a post. has lee left? oh poo, I was truly enjoying his posts as well.

ah well, if he pops back in

a big thank you Lee; it has all been a real pleasure- glad you took the time to come share--

maybe we can kidnap Stephen.. his auction is still in the works. come on Mary offer him an inducement - apple pie he might bite on that. even so we can still play in this thread can't we?

Sorry, but you haven't gotten rid of me yet!

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by David Rosenthal:
But wait a minute, I thought you were "The Haiku Guy."

But seriously, here are a few revisions:

David R.

morning chill,
long after morning:
lingering fog

nicely done!

the calving glacier
echoes like cannon fire;
a seal pup yawns

not really getting a lot out of this. maybe too 'obvious'?

two steps beyond
the shadow of the redwoods:
the sun!

nice

reveille --
flushing the toilet,
I drown out the trumpeter

well done

all the beautiful trees --
a vacationing artist
sketches a cabin

much better! but why not 'the' and 'the'?

millions of summers
in the making:
the sand between my toes

nice feeling

and one more new one from the redwoods:


alone
in the redwoods --
not alone

and one more from the corn belt (this should be centered, but i can't figure out how to format that):

driving
home
alone
no not alone
the
grass
hopper
re-
minds
me

if you have never taken a ride with a grasshopper in the car, i can recommend it for excitement!

Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Henrietta kelly:
To Lee and Stephen with grateful thanks .

in breaking the ice
bulbs come instinctively
to test both my soles

and I truly believe haiku has done that.

And a deep bow to you, Henie!

Lee

[Donna English]

Lee, I've revised a few yet again and have one new one. Any comment would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for putting up with my repeated attempts. Your efforts in teaching and critting our work has been stellar! I've fallen in love with haiku!

Donna


thunderheads roil
prairie dust rises
to meet the rain

black curtain of clouds
the switchgrass twirls
then bows to the breeze

neighbors porch steps lined
with unmowed grass and dead leaves
flowers, cards and candles