[Spindleshanks]

Originally Posted by Maryann Corbett

Here's another entry:

9/11 Revisited.
Written on the occasion of the award-winning Naudet documentary, 2002

I've just escaped the rage of dust that filled the City's heart.
I've watched the silver arrow thrust within and tear apart
the centre of a universe. I've seen the flames and smoke.
I've heard the city's cry and curse before the sudden choke
of silence as the disbelief held momentary sway;
I've shuddered as the tide of grief swept disbelief away.

I've cried with every witness as the second missile hit.
I've shared their helpless sickness as the towers began to spit
through gaping maws the living dead, and retched at every thud;
I've withered as the tears they shed unchecked became a flood.
I've climbed with heroes as each floor was gained by guts and drive;
I've heard the wounded giants roar, beheld their final dive.
I've known the wretched weight of guilt the stunned survivors bore;
I've felt my spirits sag and wilt with theirs—then rise before
the "save and rescue" creed. Beneath the rubble mountain lay
their buddies and their fellows. Grief must wait another day.

I've seen the evil that men do and witnessed trust's demise;
I've been and seen and felt it through the camera's faithful eyes;
and though the screen has darkened now on gallantry and shame,
I know my carefree life somehow will never be the same.

There was a welter of this type of poetry after the event, which was understandable; it was a watershed event that triggered an outpouring of rage and grief, the very stuff of poetry. Whether its outpouring has stood the test of time and emotional distance is the question.
L11, the forced promotion of "as" unsettles the metre. Otherwise, technically okay.

Peter

[Martin Parker]

A twenty minute effort at placating both Jayne and "conny" --

WEBSITE WORK-SHOPPING

I’ve just joined an excellent website
For amateur poets like me.
The help and advice that’s on offer
Is great, well-intentioned and FREE.

So I posted a promising sonnet
In the hopes of some useful advice
And the thread that I posted it onto
Burst into life in a trice.

It was work-shopped in depth by my colleagues
And over a frantic two weeks
All of them had their two penn’orth
Of “minor small changes and tweaks.”

By the time they had altered the rhyme scheme
And metre and structure as well
My classy Shakespearean sonnet
Had become a third-rate villanelle.

And Prue then decided my subject
Was wrong for both metre and rhyme
So re-wrote it all in the blankest of verse
To show how I’d wasted my time.

And Brenda’s re-written my title.
My own one she said was just shite --
And she once appeared in Rialto
So I’ve got to believe that she’s right.

Now my colleagues all think that it’s perfect
And there’s nothing remaining to do.
So I’ve just sent it off to The Bridport;
And so have both Brenda and Prue.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Love those last two lines.

I like it all, really, but esp. the end.

[Cyn Neely]

Clever, Martin.
Funny too.

[Spindleshanks]

Martin, in the light of your earlier post, I approach critting this with some trepidation, unsure whether it's a genuine entry posted in the spirit of the thread, or whether it's simply intended as support material for that earlier post. Whatever, it is clever humour, with a crack-up close. If you aren't interested in crit, don't read below the line.
______________________________________
If you're still with me, I can find little to crit other than the triple redundancy of " minor small changes and tweaks." If ever this thread is used for its intended purpose, Brenda and Prue may chime in with something more profound, but in any case, I would suggest you don't enter it. Give the rest of us a greater chance at the big money.

Peter

[Martin Parker]

Thanks for comments -- and for resisting the temptation of crits!

Spindleshanks, may your country soon get all the rain it so needs -- but please not until the Adelaide Test is over.

[conny]

well, not to repeat myself, but the changes and tweaks are
all up to you. Believe me, no ones gonna twist your arm.
That`s why the workshopping poem is off target. Not even
in the ball park.

Dave Condell

[Cally Conan-Davies]

Hilarious, Martin! Can't stop the giggles.

Cally

[Martin Parker]

Cally, Thanks for that. It is always good to find others who can enjoy a gently wry laugh, sometimes at their own expense -- for me one of the main attractions of light verse !

I will not ask you for your own views on work-shopping! I might find another poem in them -- and that could be courting danger !