[John Whitworth]

Of course it is, Bazza. I hope you don't imagine these opinions are mine. I had thought I had made them ridiculous enough for it to be obvious the N is practically rabid. For myself I had rather put up with terrorists and paedophiles or even paedophile terrorists and terrorist paedophiles, all from foreign parts, than have the secret police riffling through my email. How can I make it still madder?

[basil ransome-davies]

And I meant the Oldie, of course, though the Speccie would probably like it better.

[John Whitworth]

You have me worried, Bazza. I should hate to have anything to do with Rickie Gervais who is terminally unfunny. How about this as a rewrite? Perhaps it still won't do. I got the idea from a rant on the Speccie blogs. What is it about paedophiles that gets people frothing? After all, you can hardly have attended a school without coming across one or two.

Two Part Return

The TERRORISTIC PAEDOPHILES
With wicked hearts and crooked smiles
Have travelled here for miles and miles
From rat-holes far and near.
From prison cells and funny farms,
They come to work their vicious charms,
And do immeasurable harms
To all that we hold dear.

The PAEDOPHILIC TERRORISTS,
Are stomping from the looming mists,
Black-hearted Satan's lobbyists,
The evil of the earth.
We must return this BROOD OF SIN
(We never should have let them in),
Returning to our kith and kin
The country of their birth.
(falls frothing in righteous indignation)

[basil ransome-davies]

I of course realise, John, that you are far more humane & sophisticated than Littlejohn. What I missed was the Rizla of wit or distance between your & the putative original. Paedophiles at school? Yup, among the staff, but they didn't come from overseas. Incidentally, your mention of a Speccie blog reminded me of a letter in the Speccie a few years ago from some witless homophobic Bufton Tufton type deploring 'the inevitable stench and haemorrhaging' entailed by buggery. I thought of writing to the mag explaining that if that was his problem he should get some KY, but I decided they wouldn't print my letter.

[Brian Allgar]

"You may not use the outward part of a return ticket after you have used the return part."

Damn! There go any dreams I might have had of becoming one of the characters in "Time's Arrow".

[FOsen]

Two-Part Return

You can’t set out, if your return
is marked by the conductor’s punch.
It isn’t really her concern

just why that is; should she discern
the stamp or perforated scrunch,
she’ll leave you in the platform's churn

although you're shrieking like a tern.
Don’t get your knickers in a bunch.
For now, you may as well just burn

both tickets, limp away, adjourn
inside and have a shrink-wrapped lunch.
Commune with an attentive fern

and soon you may no longer yearn
for transport through the present crunch.
You're here. Admit - you had a hunch
You couldn't leave and can’t return.

Frank

[John Whitworth]

That, Frank, is a small work of genius.

[FOsen]

Better a small work of genius than a work of small genius, I always say. Thanks, John.

[basil ransome-davies]

Frank – extra foot in l.7.

[FOsen]

Cripes - thanks, Bazza