[Martin Parker]

Having just read John's masterpiece of macabre invention I can only suggest that in respect of this particular competition, "Abandon hope, all others who would enter here!"

I would have eaten a full plateful of broccoli if it had enabled me to write that!

[Brian Allgar]

A macabre tale indeed, John. Like other members, I suspect that there goes the dictionary.

The moral of this story must be that, when it comes to growing vegetables, red fingers are even better than green ones.

[John Whitworth]

I got the idea from a short story by Robert Graves. I hope you are all right about it.

[FOsen]

Reminds me of that old song, The Celery Stalks at Midnight.

[FOsen]

When Marvell wrote, with world and time
His vegetable love might grow
Vast as empires and more slow,
Did no one find the paradigm
More nauseating than sublime?
That’s not a suitor, it’s a floe,
Moreover, one that hopes to sow
Itself abroad with greenish slime
Or bumper crops of squash and soy,
A prospect that, one might assume,
Would almost seem intended to
Render any mistress coy:
The creature of a vast legume??
Some smoothie, why, he’s blended goo—
Less apt to make a woman burn up,
Than yearn for someone else to turnip.

Frank

[Jayne Osborn]

I haven't attempted this one yet, so I thought I'd read through the thread again, after a long interval, to see what all you chaps have come up with.

Oh my!! You know what? I think I'll go and rearrange all my pencils in order of sharpness instead; I'd be more gainfully employed doing that than attempting to match your marvellous efforts!

Brian's (post #6), with the vegetable cast list in alphabetical order (you're a marvel, Brian), has to be a winner, and likewise Doug's and John's, I reckon.

Good luck to the others too, but to my mind there's only one more prize left - and Nicholas Holbrook will probably nail that one

Jayne

[Jayne Osborn]

Well, in spite of what I said above I've had a go at it...


It started with my onions, and I cried,
but then they stole my carrots, spuds and sprouts.
I slept in my allotment shed and tried
in vain to apprehend the thieving louts.

They pounced at times I nodded off to sleep
but didn’t come on nights I stayed awake!
My vigil failed; I simply couldn’t keep
it up, so every month they’d come and take
my vegetables – torn rudely while they grew.
But then I had a brainwave: I’d grow posh
legumes instead – asparagus, mange-tout,
celeriac, zucchini, acorn squash.

And now I get to keep my gorgeous crop.
It’s been a year since anybody took it.
The robbing came abruptly to a stop.
Exotic veg? They don’t know how to cook it!

[Brian Allgar]

Well, if you're right about there being only one prize left, Jayne, I reckon you deserve it. And don't worry, Nicholas Holbrook hasn't sent anything to the Oldie.

A smart move to grow vegetables that baffle the midnight marauders. Mind you, if I knew where to find your allotment ...

But I must admit that, vegetophile that I am, I've never come across acorn squash.

[Jayne Osborn]

No, I've never come across acorn squash either, Brian. My original idea was to rhyme 'butternut squash' with 'posh' but it was too long and didn't fit the metre, so I Googled 'List of vegetables' and found acorn squash. I might change that before I submit it; there's still time...

...but I'm mindful of my New Year Resolution regarding last-minute entries!

Jayne

[Brian Allgar]

I'd be inclined to keep 'acorn squash', Jayne. It piques the interest of the vegetable-lover, and being unknown, doesn't positively disgust the vegetable-hater.