[Roger Slater]

Only An Asshole Would Read This Poem

Did you read the title and not agree?
Or did you say, "At last! A poem for me!"

[Brian Allgar]

You can’t make an omelette with fish eggs

You can’t make a sow from a silk purse,
Not even an ear or a snout;
You can’t make a broth that is decent
If too many cooks are about.

The dog that you failed to leave sleeping,
That mongrel with colic and scabies,
Woke up in a foul-minded temper
And bit you, so now you’ve got rabies.

Don’t stare in the mouth of a gift-horse;
It’s dangerous, stupid and rude.
The Trojans, unwisely, once tried it;
They ended up horribly chewed.

You can’t mess about with the cosmos;
It’s likely to mess you right back.
And you can’t make an omelette with fish eggs -
Their shells are too tiny to crack.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Brian,

Very Nice. The title reminds me on the early 1960's Roger Miller song that begins , "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd".

[Roger Slater]

Originally Posted by Douglas G. Brown

Roger,

Very Nice. The title reminds me on the early 1960's Roger Miller song that begins , "You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd".

I think your compliment was meant for Brian.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Roger,
Thanks for the heads up. I have corrected my comment. BTW, you A-hole couplet is memorable, too.

[Rob Stuart]

Originally Posted by Brian Allgar

John, that's horribly good.

Rob, also very good - but where on earth are all those postcodes? Mind you, as an ex-inhabitant, I tend to think that only London needs postcodes, and that everywhere else, they still make do with homing pigeons.

If it satisfies your curiosity they are for Norwich, Leicester, Edinburgh, Cardiff, Oxford and East London respectively.

I kind of thought that it wouldn't matter too much if people didn't recognise them as long as they twigged they were postcodes...

[John Whitworth]

A sort of homage to yours, Brian.

Trisellipsis

You can’t tell a church from its vicars,
You can’t tell a tart by her knickers,
You can’t tell a swan from a budgie,
You can’t tell a kirk by its kludgie,
You can’t tell a chick from a plover…

You can’t tell a nun from a stripper,
You can’t tell a port by its shipper,
You can’t tell a tramp from a totty,
You can’t tell a brat by its botty,
You can’t tell a louse from a lover…

You can’t tell a doll from a duchess,
You can’t tell a fiend by his clutches,
You can’t tell a hearse from a taxi,
You’re off for a life on your jacksy,
You can’t tell a bint from her bruvver…

[William A. Baurle]

Originally Posted by Roger Slater

Camel Toe

Her name was simply Mary,
And yet she used to go
By "Mary, Mary, Dromedary,"
Thanks to her camel toe.

This reminds me of one of mine:

Mary had a little dram.
She should have just said "no!"
For now she has a little pram
And that 'maternal glow'.

[basil ransome-davies]

I like this one, though it's very much one for the poets. It's ingenious, off the wall and a trap for the unwary.

[Douglas G. Brown]

“Headless Body Found in Topless Bar”,
“Coke Importer Lost From Capsized Boat”,
“Pedophile Gets Whacked in Stolen Car”;
Are headlines which I always like to quote.

“Legless Suspect Not at Risk of Flight”,
“Congressman in Prostitution Snare”,
“Home Invader Shot by Cops Last Night”;
Are headlines which I really want to share.

“Economic Outlook Looks Morose”,
“Unemployment Major Cause of Crime”,
“Heart Attack Was Caused by Overdose”;
Are headlines which I read most all the time.

“Cadillac Gets Power From the Sun”,
“Cancer Cure Distilled From Bovine Pee”,
“Vacant Office Space Plagues Washington”;
Are headlines which I’ll never live to see.

(The title is based on a famous New York Post headline, "Headless Body in Topless Bar". I made the rest of 'em up)