[Carolyn Moore]

Much agreement with previous responses. For example, I, too, appreciated the headlong rush of the chiefly anapestic second line to underscore the mad gallop to catch the bus. And I liked how slant rhyme kept several line endings from being too predictable.

Like a couple other responders, I missed the volta—especially missed it in the traditional spot between lines eight and nine. I need the volta early enough to turn the ocean liner of purpose around before a sonnet runs out. Also, I suspect we will see spots of padding for rhyme this week. One spot for me was “for mine.” It goes without saying that the speaker appropriated a brother’s discarded T-shirt “for mine.” Only if the recipient of the reclaimed T-shirt had been someone else might it have been necessary or simply interesting to indicate that fact.

[Rebecca Foust]

Well, I may be going out on a limb here, but could there be in this poem something more at stake and deeper than nostalgia for childhood? It seems to me that the speaker chafes not only at the zipper on the dress but at the dress itself and its imposition of gender assignment. She prefers her brother's clothes to her own, and when she leaps the fence it is as "both girl and boy." The snake may be an innocuous species, but it is still a snake, with biblical connotations of "sin" and temptation to a world outside bucolic Eden. I sense a hint of danger—and of attraction to danger—there.
In this reading, the volta is in line 9: “I jump, both boy and girl, the chain link fence.” There are two turns here; one from girl into mixed gender and one from a place of confinement to a place of freedom. I understood the watch as a metaphor for the mother's "watch" or oversight and the constraints of the speaker's childhood. In this reading, Childhood is not so much an ideal state the speaker views with nostalgia but a place of confinement which she wants to grow past.
What makes me question my reading is the title—“childhood”—and "list / of errands on a notepad," a phrase that suggests that what chafes the speaker most is impending adulthood and its restrictions: responsibilities, having to be on time for dinner, or for anything.
As a nitpick, I'd suggest cutting the word “had” in line 8.

[Mary Meriam]

(Hi, Becky!!!!! Great to see you here.)

I love the poem's release from formal and gender constrictions.

[Woody Long]

An amazing poem. One sentence, possibly for several reasons, the girl rushing, the brevity of a daydream, etc.

Vivid image after vivid image. Fresh concrete language. Unity. An evocative ending.

When I first read the poem I thought that the last 2 lines suggested a woman called back from a reverie, so I am with Julie on this. I found myself recalling "Ode to a Nightingale" by John Keats.

The words are there on the page, and more than one interpretation is suggested, including the one mentioned in the preceding posts: the mother perhaps giving the girl a list of errands etc.

A girl from the era of red sneakers (this word among others seems to do double duty, relating to the theme of escape) might still be wearing a watch. A teenage girl of that same era might put on a watch if she has to go out and run errands.

I see two turns in the poem:

L9, signaled appropriately by "and jump" where the girl finishes her race, jumps over the fence, and relaxes completely.

L12 - L14 - beginning with "my mother's voice".

[Roger Slater]

Great critique by Rebecca that actually enhances the poem for me when I now read it. A rare thing. (Welcome, Rebecca).

I'm closer to comfort with the ending now, but still a whisper away from feeling entirely satisfied.

I would suggest turning "reached" to "reaches" in L13.

[L.M. Price]

I like the poem quite a lot. I have to say it doesn't really feel like a sonnet to me; I think possibly the on-rushing speed tramples the volta too greatly. But the poem is very evocative and has several layers of meaning that I enjoy.

[Edward Zuk]

I quite liked this, including the looseness of the form. It’s a poem about freedom and escaping others’ expectations, at least for a bit, and so a regular iambic and full rhymes would work against the purpose.

The liberties this takes with the form are not too great—certainly less than Bishop or Meredith, for example.

[Scott Miller]

Okay, so I feel like I fall roughly in the middle of the pack in terms of critique here. Claims that it is unrecognizable as a sonnet seem just a little bit hyperbolic and serve more to characterize the reader than the poem.

With respect to the meter, I find only a few lines use anything more than the standard metrical substitutions (anapests, trochaic foot starting the line, etc.). L7, however, made me stumble. The 12 syllables of L11 are a bit of a stretch but seem to work with the music of the piece, which I put on an equal footing with scansion, as I've seen lines that scan right but sound wrong and vice versa.

Did I miss the part of the discussion where a sonnet has to be grammatically correct? Fragments are perfectly acceptable to me as long as they are comprehensible, which this poem most certainly is. L6, "from the Goodwill bag for mine" was one place I felt that the syntax was molded around the rhymes.

Now, regarding the conceit of this poem: Childhood is presented in a series of iconic images but seems to have trouble escaping from the realm of cliche. For me, the slight at gender norms and (perhaps) biblical allusion did not up the ante enough, or perhaps dissipate too quickly to add much complexity. There just isn't enough at stake for me to feel the turn to responsibility of errands and schedules.

[Maryann Delaney]

Scott - Re: "Claims that it is unrecognizable as a sonnet seem just a little bit hyperbolic and serve more to characterize the reader than the poem." - Yes, a traditionalist will see this poem differently than a non-traditionalist. To a traditionalist, this is not a sonnet.

RE: "Did I miss the part of the discussion where a sonnet has to be grammatically correct? Fragments are perfectly acceptable to me as long as they are comprehensible" - Yes, although I am a traditionalist, I see no reason why phrases and fragments should not be used, as long as they make sense. I think your comment may be in response to what I said - I believe someone pointed out that it was one (or a) sentence, which it is not, unless you start with the title, maybe, pushing it a bit, as another suggested. - Maryann

[Melanie Wright]

I read this poem completely as taking place in an adult present, a memory or daydream of childhood. First the title -- it indicates a remembrance from adulthood (kids don't recognise what they are living as "childhood") and then the first line "to shift all day in a zippered dress" I read as an adult working in a uniform (the day shift, maybe a nurse or waitress). The bus is ambiguous -- could be a school bus or the bus home from work -- I thought the bus is maybe the link between adult and child, the now and the then, the vehicle of the daydream. The lovely description of casting off clothes, cares, responsibilities, gender contraints, and leaping into utter relaxation is a lovely daydream/remembrance, and then the calling back by the mother's voice -- I read as the inner child being reminded by the inner parent that responsibility waits, the errands on the notepad, the watch on the adult wrist. I liked the one-sentence ramble of it, the stream of consciousness which reinforced my reading of it as a flight of thought, of recollection.