[David Callin]

Sorry, Glenn, I'm like a dog with a bone, but I'm going to come back to that ciencia. I checked my Penguin Selected Poems, and the poem is in there, and the translation used there is "wisdom".

This seems better, in its sense, to me, but of course nothing rhymes with "wisdom". And therein lies the problem. (The Penguin translator did not attempt a rhymed version of it.)

Good to see you striving towards the light, though. I think you're getting there.

Cheers

David

[Glenn Wright]

Good suggestions, Carl. I’m using both of them.

Yes, David, “wisdom” is like “orange” and “silver” in having no rhyme (except, perhaps, “is dumb,” which I cannot see a way to use.)

Thanks, gentlemen.

[Roger Slater]

I agree with David that "prescience" is the wrong word. Though "ciencia" has a range of meanings, none of them include the ability to see the future. After reading several definitions (in Spanish language dictionaries), I would say that "experience" is an alternative to consider, though not an exact translation. Ciencia can mean "knowledge" or wisdom, but if you want to keep the same slant/sight rhymes, experience seems very much in the ballpark.

[Carl Copeland]

[Never mind]

[Glenn Wright]

That’s a great idea, Roger. Thanks!

[Carl Copeland]

I wonder why you replaced “sleepless” with “awake.” Seems to me either of these would sound better:

Sleepless, I dream your cherished presence
Waking, I dream your cherished presence

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

I changed “hosts” in S2L4 yo “bears.” That way the speaker is the victim rather than the perpetrator of the hate.

At first I wasn't sure that being a host to the scorpion's hate means that that it's the N's hate, but thinking more about it, I think I do see what you mean. I guess it can be read that he hates with the hate of a scorpion.

I wonder about "bears", though, because it also means "endures", and then sentence means something like, "the scorpion hates me and I endure that hate". And then there's no sense of the scorpions nest being located in the heart.

Do you mean "bears" in the sense of "to hold / to carry" that intend here? In which case, maybe use "holds"? It alliterates nicely with "hate".

My heart that holds the scorpions hate

Then again, I guess "holds" (or to "bears" in the sense of holding) also be read as it being the N's hate?

Hmm.

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

I put “sleepless” back, Carl, since that’s the literal meaning of sin sueño.

I changed “bears” to “houses” in S2L4, Matt. This clarifies whose hate we are discussing (the scorpion’s), and picks up the alliteration.

Thanks, fellows!

[Carl Copeland]

Hi, Glenn. I can’t get this translation out of my head. The one thing that still bugs me is “hate”—too specific for a scorpion that could represent so many emotions. How about something like this?

These tears of blood embellishing
the unplucked lyre, the torch impure.
This crush of waves I must endure.
This scorpion in my breast—its sting.

“Sting” extends the metaphor without adding anything consequential, and it allows you to recover the parallelism of “This scorpion.”

Best I could come up with.

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

Finally back for the sestet. I think my main issue is this line:

They’re wreaths of love, for the hurt, a cot,

it strikes me as awkwardly phrased. Why not just reverse it:

They’re wreaths of love, a bed for the hurt,

which seems more natural to me, and rhyme-wise, I'd say you're still fine. You get hurt/heart/fraught, which seems to work just as well as cot/heart/fraught -- better, even.

A possible downside of "hurt" is that it can mean both "wound" and "wounded". So, the hurt as "the pain", and the hurt as "the wounded", and the original has only the latter sense (or the crib does anyway). But I don't know that is that much of a problem. And reordered as above, I think the latter sense maybe comes across stronger.

best,

Matt