[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jayne—

I like the new revision a lot. Your speaker seems much more confident and the gentle humor, although self-directed, is more self-accepting. The poem has evolved into a beautiful tribute to your husband.

The reference to Princess Diana keeps the reader in suspense about the nature of the “love triangle” throughout the octet, which, I think, is very effective. It also allows you to bring the poem back full circle, from two, to three, to two again.

Glenn

[Simon Hunt]

I resent being called the "Politically Correct Police," not least because I made no effort to control Jayne's discourse. I just told her how I responded to the poem. That's what we do here, Jim.

Jayne, I too prefer the spirit and tone of the revision. However, I don't think referred woks in line 1. D is asserting there, isn't she?--not referring to anything. Sorry--I know it's a rhyme word.

[Phil Wood]

I like the humour/relevance of closing on the laugh/half rhyme.

Phil

[Max Goodman]

The changes are charming. The speaker has a sense of humor about the situation (doesn't feel as down on herself), and the husband is better shown to care about her.

"Referred to" doesn't encourage me to read beyond the first lines. It's stiffness could, I suppose, be defended as a match in register for the tongue-in-cheek "Royal personage," but it isn't a synonym for "said."

FWIW.

[Jayne Osborn]

In a rush, but will come back later. I've made a quick change to "averred that" in L1, which is better than "referred to".

Jayne

[Susan McLean]

Jayne, I mainly like the rewrite, but "incumbent" doesn't fit well in a marriage. Maybe "partner reveals" instead of "incumbent shows"?

Susan

[Yves S L]

2 cents: I find "incumbent" delightfully sly and awkward and tongue in cheek and distancing (in the end the narrator distancing from herself, detach from the situation somewhat).

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jayne,

If you decide against "incumbent," maybe "indweller" would work. It would add a bit of alliteration too with "herself." Just a thought.

Jim

ps Ahhh, but now I see it would lose some other echoes of sound...
pss I think I mean assonance

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Jayne

There is a feminist critique to be had here in which it can be pointed out that women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression and that this may have something to do with the strong social pressure on them to act kindly, gently, and unselfishly in ways that men feel largely exempt from. When men do show these traits they get brownie points whereas women are likely to be criticised if they fail sometimes to show them. The feminist argument would say that you should not beat yourself up about being a bitch sometimes.

But all that is political and the poem is personal. And it is good to appreciate and celebrate the one you love and the tricky negotiations you both have to make.

One nit. S2 L5
“But every time he really makes me laugh;”
I’m not sure whether to read that as meaning “On those occasions that he makes laugh” or “he really makes me laugh every time”. I’m thinking first version is closer to what you mean, so maybe rephrase it as “But when he makes me laugh, we really laugh”. Just a thought.

Cheers

Joe

[David Callin]

It's a very nice rewrite, Jayne. (Revision 3, I mean.) Mission accomplished, I would say.

Y'know, there's a touch of "The Phoenix and the Turtle" to your last line.

Cheers

David