[Douglas G. Brown]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

And here's another:

Air: My Old Man’s a Dustman

... yadda, yadda, yadda ...

She doesn’t care at all.

John,

Maybe, make this last line "She doesn't give a hoot."

(if they say that sort of thing over your way)

[Graham King]

I wonder what a satnav might say if its owner were to use it in the middle of a sizeable, recently-built bridge, the existence of which is not included in the satnav database.

The opportunity to try the experiment locally should arise when the new Forth Bridge currently under construction opens to traffic; it is due to be completed next year...

[John Whitworth]

Douglas, I feel 'give a hoot' is too close to... well, you know.

New Fprth Bridge? How many have they got there? I remember when there was just the one. And ferries. I've even got a photograph somewhere. Taken by my little brother on his Kodak Brownie.

[Ann Drysdale]

Sorry, Jayne, love - I've only just spotted your post. You are right about pedestrians being touched by the subject and I am working on a poem for the comp (that's how I know about Satan, so to speak) but your note about people with their satty-navical phones made me laugh.

Oh, Jayne - my own mobile is an ancient Samsung that cost me nine-ninety-nine. It makes telephone calls and receives them when it's switched on, which it almost never is. Along with it, I carry a single Duracell battery with a little wire so I can charge it up when I've forgotten to do the power-point thing.

Up to a point it's a lifestyle choice, but that's convenient because if I didn't accept it cheerfully, I'd be all envious and resentful.

At one time, my house looked vastly different from the others in the terrace because it had ivy and flowers in pots, but over the years my neighbours have joined me and there's windowboxes and great buckets of cosmos and carnations, so now the way I tell people to find it is "look for the one without a satellite dish".

I am smiling affectionately in your direction.

[Roger Slater]

Originally Posted by Graham King

I wonder what a satnav might say if its owner were to use it in the middle of a sizeable, recently-built bridge, the existence of which is not included in the satnav database.

The opportunity to try the experiment locally should arise when the new Forth Bridge currently under construction opens to traffic; it is due to be completed next year...

It depends which database you use. My car's database is locked into 2007, but my phone is hooked up to Google which continuously updates and improves. The best thing about Google now is that it also monitors traffic and chooses the best route for you based on current traffic conditions, while also giving you surprisingly accurate estimates of your likely arrival time.

[Roger Slater]

SATNAV

I had a bad dream recently.
My satnav went insane
and cursed at me indecently
and mocked my puny brain.

She told me she would have me turn
the wrong way down a street,
and as I crashed my car would burn,
her vengeance then complete.

I listened, then began to shake,
which woke me from my nap,
then threw my satnav in the lake
and bought myself a map.

[Jayne Osborn]

I am smiling affectionately in your direction.

Ahhh, that's nice, Annie. I know you're not very keen on smilies but I'm beaming back at you.

Our 160 year-old house sported a huge satellite dish at the front of it when we first saw the place in the estate agent's 25 years ago. "How could they?" we thought... but it was gone by the time we moved in, thankfully. Monstrous things!

[Peter Goulding]

Taking a leaf out of Jerome's excellent book -

It can read a map precisely,
imparts suggestions nicely
and we always seem to get there in the end.
It doesn’t sulk if I ignore it,
yawn profusely if I bore it,
nor insist that I slow up before a bend.
If I like, we’ll have a natter
but if I disregard its chatter,
its accusatory finger won’t extend.
It won’t comment on my driving
or the length of time arriving
or the way I’ve been behaving
or my frequent lack of shaving
or my tendency for swearing
or the jacket that I’m wearing –
it’s not so much a wife but more a friend.

[Jayne Osborn]

I went to The Oldie lunch on Tuesday - haven't been for a while (it's an expensive day out!) but I enjoyed it.

Right, then: On your marks, ...get set... GO......

Who would like a free copy of the latest magazine? I have two spares which I'll post to whoever asks me first, regardless of where you live.

Jayne

[Julie Steiner]

Fun, Jayne! I'll let a more regular comper have a copy, though.


Here's my last-minute effort for this comp:


Salvator mundi, Satnav, save us
from our errant ways.
The spellings that our forebears gave us
trap us in a maze.

Pronounce our towns the best you can,
till Woolfardisworthy and Barnoldswick
reform their spellings, faster than
two vampires fleeing garlic.

I humbly pray you'll do the same
until unholy Godmanchester
takes its vainly-lettered name
and chucks it in the dumpster.

Why should Great and Little Barugh
not sound like plain old Barugh?
Just like you, I've had enarf.
This nonsense needs to park.

(The phonetic spellings of the aforementioned locales are Woolsery, Barlick, Gumster, Great Barf, Little Barf, and Bark.)