[Carl Copeland]

The title, with date at bottom, is now perfect, imo.

I like “Twists the night” more than the first revision and at least as much as the original. Like Matt, I prefer “and twists the night,” and I’m happy to accept his explanation for why I do.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I preferred "witch-kid lot" which for me had nicer, and more dramatic, sounds -- compared to "changeling lot". … In the sentence, "witch-kid"/"changeling" modifies "lot", but actually applies to the N, right? The N, since she has visions, is the witch-kid/changeling. So: I stack up all the visions I had, the whole lot of them, and I am a witch-kid/changeling, so these are my witch-kid/changeling visions.

I’m not sure who the “witch-kid” is, but you said in an earlier response to Nick that the visions themselves are changelings. I think I like that, and “changelings” is quieter, while still suitably weird. On the other hand, you seem to be courting loudness and over-the-topness in this poem, like the supermoon experience itself. In that case, go with Matt.

[Alexandra Baez]

The Strawberry Moon will be arriving tomorrow at 9:08 p.m., so--a good time to make some more replies!

Matt, yes, I’m getting a sense that readers, even Nick, who initially questioned “witch-kid lot,” find an undeniable visceral attraction to the term that doesn’t rest entirely on literal logic. So I’m inclined to reinstate this term.

In the sentence, "witch-kid"/"changeling" modifies "lot", but actually applies to the N, right? The N, since she has visions, is the witch-kid/changeling.

No, I meant it as Carl stated: the visions themselves are the witch-kids or changelings. I wonder if any others interpreted this phrase the same way as you?

I appreciate your arguments in favor of “and twists the night,” but there’s just something about the sound of it in context that feels a bit clunky and forced to me. I've put it back in, but I’ll keep thinking about this. I even wonder about

It tightens like a screw.
It twists the night.
I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew
the best and worst of all my wild-hair ways.

Ah, but the moon causes wild and crazy things to happen, and disrupts patterns, no?

The thing is, the pattern hasn’t even had a chance to become established here, and as I said, a disruption here would take away some of the power of the disruption that follows shortly, on a good foundation of pattern that’s been built by that point.

Also the rule, "every other line [or 5 feet] being an “ew” rhyme" isn't that strict a rule, since, as you note, you already break it in S3.

But this is a deliberate break, one that I feel falls in a natural place musically.

And it would be a purposeful -- at least, defensible -- use of form matching function. The screw tightens and compresses the line. The screw tightens and the rhymes get closer.

Yes, I’ve thought about that, too, but I’m just not sure it sounds right:

It tightens like a screw.
I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew
the best and worst of all my wild-hair ways.

This swollen moon outpours; its light-shafts strew
an urgent strangeness through the chasmic sky.
My inner rhythms slip askew
as through the windows, sunlike moonlight stirs
a silver see-or-stumble-by-it stew.

Reading this, I find it hard to adjust to the every-other-line-“ew” sound that follows the initial rhyming couplet. The prevailing music feels disrupted early on and then the reader has to struggle to find it and to come in line with it, and just as she is perhaps doing so, clunk! A foot-short line!

My main objection to the change was more to the loss of image than to it having become too clear. I think your new line also makes things even clearer with an actor, "it", and I like that it's now an active construction, which seems to better suit the poem's energy.

Great. I assume that you feel that the image has been satisfactorily reinstated?

Carl, I’m glad you like the new title/note presentation, as well as “twists the night.” Somehow, despite all the solid arguments in favor of it, “and” just sounds a bit weird to me in front of “twists”—perhaps a bit weak and disconnected. But maybe I’ll get used to it--I've put it back in hoping I will. What would you think of

It tightens like a screw.
It twists the night.
I bulge, I leak—in moments I will spew
the best and worst of all my wild-hair ways.

I think I like that, and “changelings” is quieter, while still suitably weird. On the other hand, you seem to be courting loudness and over-the-topness in this poem, like the supermoon experience itself. In that case, go with Matt.

I’m glad you perceive the same virtues of “changeling” that I did (and there was a nice assonance between it and “tabletops”). But it seems that the audience tide is toward “witch-kid,” so I guess I will honor that. About Nick's concerns that "witch" seemed to bring in more dark energy than had been present in the rest of the poem, it should be noted that the meaning of this word has expanded quite a bit in recent times to encompass also adepts of neo-pagan religions who harness the forces of nature in non-satanic ways. For the record, though, I think that various gradations of weird, from over the top to more subdued, are all part of the zeitgeist of the moment that I was trying to portray in this poem. The latter add resonance to the former, so I hope that at least some wisps of that energy are still detectable in the poem even in the absence of “changeling.”

[James Brancheau]

I like “twists the night” quite a bit too, Alexandra, and I think “and” works just fine there. I had problems with your previous lines there and really happy that you found “twists.” It goes very well with what’s going on in the poem, imo, and it somehow feels so right with that wonderful close. I’m also glad that you went back to “witch-kid.” At first I wasn’t so fond of “loon,” but I’m getting used to it. That may just nicely oddly fit this poem. Fine work and great revising.

Also, I’m very sorry to hear of your illness. I just finished my own treatment (both chemo and radiation) and am trying to get back into things, like being active here. People are different and of course cancers are different, but I’m here for support now and/or down the line sometime. Good luck with your treatment and wishing you well.

[Alexandra Baez]

James, good to hear how specific elements in this poem work for you. I'm really grateful to Matt for the "twists" line, and that's interesting what you say about it going well with the last one. Above all, thanks for the overall vote of confidence.

Oh, wow, so you've been through a similar experience to what I'm heading into. I'm hoping I don't really have to wait till I'm done with all treatment to move forward with activity here, but we'll see. I unexpectedly find myself in the ER all this weekend, and I start chemo, the first leg of treatment, this Tuesday. Thanks for all your kindness and understanding. That would be cool to get support on this from a Sphere member. Sometimes I think of various parts of my world not intersecting only to realize that they absolutely do.