[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

If someone got a verb out of it on first reading, it’d be interesting to know.

I did, as it happens.

[Jim Moonan]

Originally Posted by David Callin

I did, as it happens.

.
I assume you're referring to wraith. Yes, I did, too. It was instinctual.
.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by David Callin

I did, as it happens.

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

I assume you're referring to wraith. Yes, I did, too. It was instinctual.

I’m glad this is working. There was a comma before “wraith” that threw me off completely. Now that it’s gone, I hope even I would have gotten it right.

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

I’m glad this is working. There was a comma before “wraith” that threw me off completely. Now that it’s gone, I hope even I would have gotten it right.

Yes, I think we did have that unfair advantage, Carl, to be fair.

[R. S. Gwynn]

This is very clever, especially since the fox is a double for N. Three thumbs up.

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by R. S. Gwynn

This is very clever, especially since the fox is a double for N. Three thumbs up.

I wondered if there was a knowing Hughes reference there. Hughes doesn't have the copyright on foxes, I know. But still ...

[Matt Q]

Hilary, Nick, Clive, Jim, Phil, David, Sam

Many thanks for your comments, and to most of you for coming back to this. No massive edits, but I've tweaked S1L1

Hilary,

Useful to know that "perfect prizes" can be read differently to how I intend it. Apart from reverting to "shining", which I might yet do, I'm a bit stuck for alternatives. I wondered about "golden", though it does less sonically and seems a bit uninspired.

Nick and Clive,

The problem I have here is the that original L1 says everything I want it to say so it's hard to find a way to add a foot. I went with "dawn dribbles in" to convey dawn's wetness (its misty) and its slow arrival. If I revert to "dawn comes", I need to find some way to add a foot to the rest of the line that doesn't just feel like padding, something which I've found it hard to do. For now, I have reverted, and then gone with "the morning mist", with its possible echo of "mourning", but I'm not completely sold on it. Any better?

Nick,

"overmodified" relates to the overuse of modifiers (adjectives, adverbs, adjectival and adverbial phrases etc), so with "dawn dribbles in", so I guess you mean its overdone, doing more than it needs to? The early morning urination reading of "dribble" didn't occur to me. Maybe because my bladder is usually full in the morning

Clive,

Given the metre and the words already there, a two-syllable modifier before or after "marching" or before "mist" would normally need be trochaic. Though I doubt you're offering advice on basic metre, so I think I'm probably missing something about your suggestion. Maybe that trochaic words add forward movement that fits with the marching?

Jim,

Useful to know you don't like the changes. Mostly, I'm trying edits in response to critique. It doesn't mean I'm committed to them, but a workshop is a good place to explore options. If you have specific reasons for not liking any of them, I'd be interested to hear them.

The reasons for individual changes I've mostly already given in the comments: S1L1 was a foot short; many people considered the metre of S2L4 to be off; "shining" seemed to partially duplicate "glistening" and "spilling" or "haloing" sunlight; Joe was underwhelmed by the list in S1L8 and "pirouetting" seemed more specific, concrete. I think the only change I didn't give a reason for was "sunlight haloing": I liked it because it seemed to offer more of a specific image than "sun spilling from".

Phil,

Thanks for the suggestions. I played with "bitter potion", but for me it suggests transformation (a magic potion) that I don't see there. "burl" is a nice word (that I had to look up!), but maybe not large enough (though maybe, relative to the N's trunk). "world-sized" is an attempt to show how big the bruise is, that it dominates/overshadows everything, his whole world.

David, Jim, Carl,

Thanks for weighing in on "wraith". I'm happy that it's now clear to most with the punctuation error removed.

Sam,

Three thumbs may be cheating, but thanks! And thanks for your reading of the fox. Always good to hear how people are reading the poem.

David,

No Hughes references intended. The rash of recent poems featuring foxes is down to the family of urban foxes that like to hang out on roofs of the row of dilapidated garage roofs opposite my window.


Thanks again, everyone.

Matt

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Useful to know that "perfect prizes" can be read differently to how I intend it. Apart from reverting to "shining", which I might yet do, I'm a bit stuck for alternatives. I wondered about "golden", though it does less sonically and seems a bit uninspired.

I don't know if this helps, but you could potentially drop "these" at the beginning of the line and put a three-syllable word in front of prizes, eg. "Prestigious prizes that I should have won." It doesn't have to be "prestigious," that's just an example and may not convey what you are trying to convey, but maybe having that extra syllable will help with alternative possibilities?

But if you don't like that idea, I personally thought "shining" was fine.

[W T Clark]

This would go well at the beginning of a sequence. Alternatively, though it goes well with great grace, I feel that it ends before it can say very much about the Fox. Which is why it seems like a very wonderful "intro".

Hope this helps.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Nick,

"overmodified" relates to the overuse of modifiers (adjectives, adverbs, adjectival and adverbial phrases etc), so with "dawn dribbles in", so I guess you mean its overdone, doing more than it needs to? The early morning urination reading of "dribble" didn't occur to me. Maybe because my bladder is usually full in the morning

Thanks for the explanation. Yes, overdone might be a good descriptor of it. I'm no expert in metrical, but whatever you've gained in rhythm with dribbles, IMO, has an associated negative in that the word choice distracts, rather than adds to the overall feel of the poem. It feels like a word that doesn't really accomplish anything.

The more poetry I read and write the more of a proponent I'm becoming for plainer language, and using simple phrasing to say something. So all of the word choices should communicate, either being explanatory or adding to the ambiance of the poem. If a word doesn't communicate, all it's doing is distracting. IMO, dribbles distracts here.