[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks for your comments, all you lovely people. I'm a bit tied up with other stuff at the moment, but I'll address individual posts sometime tomorrow, all being well.

Jayne

[Yves S L]

You smashed it!

[Rick Mullin]

Sorry I'm coming to this very late.
The second revision is very good!
RM

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jayne,

"It's getting better, a little better all the time...it can't get no worse....." I am liking the changes. I want to throw a suggestion at you in the event you feel "bitch" is too risky:

...My husband always brings me tea in bed,
and asks me (with a grin), if I know which
of his two wives I am today. I dread
the odd times that I’m ‘down’ and like a bitch.
[the odd times my down side will flip a switch]
[the odd times that my down side flips a switch]
But every time he really makes me laugh;
we’re two once more – and he’s my better half.....


All the best,
Jim

[Hilary Biehl]

I have to admit I'm not loving "bitch." It feels like an unfair characterization of a woman who is struggling with mood, irritability, whatever it may be.

[Yves S L]

It is realistic and part of life that sometimes folk are hard on themselves.

[Jayne Osborn]

Yves,
Thank you. I’m glad you like the new version more, including the which/bitch rhyme. I’m intrigued by your “There are so many things you could probably do with this though, and the numerous options means the poem is multi-dimensional…” Care to expand on that?

Glenn,
Thank you for your encouraging post! You’ve touched on all the things I was aiming for.

Simon,
I aspire to being a member of the Politically Correct Police, so please don’t mind being called that; I take it as a compliment! I’m glad you prefer the revision, and I’ve addressed the “referred to” line, so thanks for pointing out the error there.

Phil,
I felt happier myself with the final couplet, so I appeciate your approval of it.

Max,
As you’ll see, I’ve changed “referred to”, following your advice and that of others. Thank you for saying you found the changes “charming”. Yes, I’ve put my husband in a better light in the poem. (You know him, so you know where I’m coming from! )

Susan,
I almost never disagree with a word you say (or write, for that matter!), but on this occasion I have to say that I think incumbent is the perfect word here, in the sense of “someone currently holding office”, which the “other woman/wife” arguably is. Also, I’ve never seen “incumbent” in a poem before – that’s not to say no one’s ever used it – but I like it for its rarity and I want to keep it.

Yves,
Thanks for coming back, and for your vote for incumbent being “delightfully sly…etc."

Jim,
See my previous comments for choosing to keep “incumbent”. I’ve never come across the word “indweller” in my whole life. Is it a US expression? As far as I’m aware, it’s unheard of in the UK.

Joe,
You make a very interesting point, re feminism. I can only explain it very briefly thus: When I’m “her” (the other wife) I hate myself and feel like a bitch, because I know I’m being unreasonable. See my further note to Hilary and Jim, below. (It could become a matter for a debate we don’t have time for right now).
I agree with you about the ambiguity of the penultimate line… I’ll have a think about that one.

David,

It's a very nice rewrite, Jayne. (Revision 3, I mean.) Mission accomplished, I would say.
Y'know, there's a touch of "The Phoenix and the Turtle" to your last line.

Oh wow, David! What can I say, about "mission accomplished" and being even slightly likened to Shakespeare? I shall dine out on that for the rest of my life. Haha. Thanks for your vote of confidence.

Yves,
I've "smashed it"?? Aw, shucks, thank you!

Rick,
Aw, shucks, thank you for a thumbs up as well!

Hilary and Jim,
Re “bitch”: I’m keeping the word, because I'm not making “an unfair characterization…”. If I can further explain – it’s not how I’m made to feel; it’s how I feel myself when I’m depressed (although I’m not keen on describing myself that way). Depression is a serious illness, which is why I prefer to use the expression feeling "down”, although that can be pretty serious too. Just now and then, my medical condition drags me down to rock bottom, and I hate myself for the way I feel and act. The message of the poem is to say that (thankfully) it’s only occasionally, and that my husband brings me out of it by making me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, as the saying goes!

All this is quite difficult to say within the constraints of a sonnet, but the consensus seems to be that I’m close to nailing it. Thanks, all (especially to Yves, who thinks I already have ).

Jayne

[Jayne Osborn]

One nit. S2 L5
“But every time he really makes me laugh;”
I’m not sure whether to read that as meaning “On those occasions that he makes me laugh” or “he really makes me laugh every time”. I’m thinking first version is closer to what you mean, so maybe rephrase it as “But when he makes me laugh, we really laugh”. Just a thought.

Cheers
Joe

I've changed that line, Joe, which I wasn't happy with, so thank you for making me think about it some more. I hope the meaning is more clear now.

Jayne

[Roger Slater]

In the last few lines, you give up the "we are three" trope and say I'm down and like a bitch. I think you might try to stay with the trope a bit more. An example of what I mean follows. I've also tried to get rid of "really", which seems like filler. Of course, this is just by way of example and is probably not polished enough to use without tinkering:

..............................................I dread
the odd times that I'm sidelined by that bitch,
but then he tells a joke and makes me laugh.
We’re two once more – and he’s my better half.

[R. S. Gwynn]

I don't like the first line. "A famous onetime Royal once averred"?