[mignon ledgard]

Originally Posted by Julie Steiner

Beautiful, mignon.

My two nits, take them or leave them:

Usually a still life is a single moment in time (although Cézanne apparently painted his so damn slowly that the onions sprouted before he finished). "I'm in my daughter's house" encourages the reader (or at least this reader) to inhabit a particular moment with the narrator.

So when I get to "My grandson plays / my father’s baby grand and old guitar", I think, "At the same time? Huh?" Switching from a snapshot of a single moment to a more continuous sense of the grandson's habitual activities is less effective for me. Personally, I'd rather gaze around the room while listening to the grandson actually playing one or the other of these instruments. Not both, in theory, but one, literally.

I also don't see any advantage to making the following a single sentence. Why not start a new sentence at "A treat to see"?

Dear Julie,

It makes me happy to know you like my poem. To see "Beautiful" from you is my special "moment in time." And, of course, I love the onions! I could also picture you sitting in the living room looking around. It's a bit crowded for my taste, but it's because it is a truly lived-in home. At times, it even becomes a photography studio!

I did the best I could with your suggestions and hope it worked.

Thank you~
~mignon

[Yves S L]

I reckon the poem needs at most two exclamation marks!

[Julie Steiner]

Just an observation on the original title — cheminée in French can mean either "hearth" or "chimney." But chimney in English means only "chimney," never "hearth."

[John Riley]

I like the finished poem. It has a feel of mystery and enchantment. I don’t have suggestions and don’t think you need anymore. It’s finished and ready to publish.

[Roger Slater]

I agree with John. The poem turned out great. All I would suggest is to shorten the title to simply "Still Life," which has at least two meanings, both of which suit the poem's theme.

[mignon ledgard]

Thank you!

Couldn't log on --

Muchas Gracias!

~mignon

I'll b-back to thank you proprly -- spooks R too much.

[Perry Miller]

(Never mind.)

[mignon ledgard]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

You’ve polished this to a perfect shine, Mignon. Oh, one thing I didn’t mention earlier: “the future making space” would seem neater to me (made space must be new), but that’s very minor and may just be me. Also, “Still Life with Strings” would sound a little more like the title of a still life. Really fine, Mignon!

Carl,

Right! About new space. How about 'yields'?

You lynx!

Thank you,
~mignon

[mignon ledgard]

"Last edited by Perry Miller; 05-30-2024 at 04:04 AM. Reason: Since everyone else liked the poem, decided to erase my mostly negative comment."

This is rude, dude.

If you lack audacity, you'll slip into oblivion.

Shh.. I didn't say that.. The clipboard did it..

Ooph!
~m