[Roger Slater]

I'm afraid I will squander any last particle of respect that might attend my name with the posting of what follows:


Which Came First, Diarrhea or Hemorrhoids?

Philosophers have long enjoyed
Discussing one idea:
Which came first, the hemorrhoid?
Or was it diarrhea?

It's fascinating, isn't it?
Put on your thinking cap.
We're grappling with some heavy shit,
This existential crap.

[John Whitworth]

Love it, Roger, love it.

[Graham King]

(Another messy poem, I'm afraid!
At least there are some gems in it, though not mine.)


. MU.D.. IS A.NOUN…

the books lay there – ah, S.EEPING MU.D..!
THE MU.D.. ON THE .INK., I say;
I want to try – I wish I could -
rescue THE BO.Y IN THE ..B.A.Y!

MU.D.. I. M..OP…M.A! ah, MU.D.. .S EAS.;
W.. .ID.. ..E. .S. E.A.S? THE MU.D.. AT THE ……CAGE,
plus MU.D.. ON THE OR.E.. ..PRESS;
mud afflicts each titled page:

her novels, that brought wealth and fame
(Poirot and Marple found
success greater than Tuppence!)
now lie soiled upon the ground;

….. IN THE CLO.DS my bookshelf’s fettered!
all the titles? dank and smeared –
END..S. NIGH.! flood’s left some letters
legible; rest disappeared.


(Just ask if you want to know. We actually do have the titles on our bookshelf, thanks to my wife ordering them as a collection.)

[Lightning Bug]

Puke Pooped or Poop Puked?

Puke pooped or poop puked -
which one smells badder?
I tested, and I'll be fooked,
if it ain't the latter.

[Graham King]

Fetid Odour or Picking up the Local Atmosphere

In the village there’s a smellage:
There’s a spillage, I can tellage,
Of some sewage or some silage;
It’s been phewage for a whileage:
Whiff, I allege, of rank spoilage -
Will some swillage cleanse this soilage?
Who will rummage through the message?
Will a scrummage make it lessage -
Many willage hands make lightage
Pong that our village has blightage?
But untillage it’s rinsed clearage
I’m unwillage to go nearage!


(OK... 'scraping the bottom of the barrel'.)

[Douglas G. Brown]

The seaweed called fucus
Rhymes only with mucous;
You'll set off a ruckus
Pronouncing it fuckus.

[John Whitworth]

Substantive Modifications

My love is pulchritudinous, proportionate and glamorous.
She’s captivating, fascinating, feminine and amorous.
She’s scintillating, titillating, precious, paradisical,
Luxurious, voluptuous, delectable and physical.

She’s charming, cosmopolitan, sophisticated, thoroughbred
Splendiferous, magniloquent, illustrious and go-ahead.
She’s entertaining, debonair, delightful, indispensable,
Judicious, level-headed, sage, intelligent and sensible.

A loveless life is listless, luckless, feckless, sick and festering,
Malodorous, morbiferous, mephitical and westering,
Dysfunctional, detestable, destructive, deleterious,
Inadequate, impractical, unworthy and unserious.

All poets of a principled and passionate sincerity
Find well-selected adjectives contribute to their verity.
Ingenious deployments are sublime and unforgettable.
A Hemingway of verse would be obnoxious and regrettable!

[Douglas G. Brown]

John,
Very good. It sounds like the style of W.S. Gilbert, with a touch of Cole Porter.

[Nigel Mace]

Far too good a tribute to W. S. G. to qualify as duff in any way, John! It's impossible to resist trying to sing it.

[Brian Allgar]

John, for a man with such a limited vocabulary, that's terrific!