[Terese Coe]

Off Shore and On the Bob?

[Martin Elster]

MY UNCLE

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
don’t think of the weight of the creature,
but observe its most prominent feature:
a proboscis that looks like a wascerous.

A wascerous is the great nose
on my uncle, who once was a whale
that became a pet dog (an Airedale)
that became a Chimera, whose clothes

resemble the skin of a rhino.
Some poachers once shot him, but he,
being tough as an oak, served them tea.
Since then he’s become quite a wino.

He romps with large creatures for fun,
he tramps across jungles and plains,
he travels through space, yet refrains
from dates with beasts less than a ton.

[L.M. Price]

'Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.'
~ Kellog Albran

To catch a rhinoceros: first, fill a large saucerous
with pumpkin and apricot pie.

(It sends them to sleeping with never a peeping
nor even a snoozy 'goodbye'.)

Then toss up a tether of serious leather
round the neck of your rhinoceri.

I'd recommend waiting till his breath is abating
and snores start to rattle the sky.

For rhinoceroses throw terrible fusses
when you get their skin wrinkles awry.

Now whisper your name in the ear of the same
and climb somewhere very up-high,

and hang on for your life 'cause Rhinocerous Wife
is coming with squash in her eye.

It's true what they tell us, she's always been jealous -
let Sleeping Rhinocerous lie!

[Gail White]

MR. POE'S LESS CELEBRATED POEM, "THE RHINO"

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
In the ghoul-haunted Woodlands of Wier,
Lay your head on his rugged probosceros
And shed an auriferous tear
For Ulalume and Annabelle Lee
And other fair maidens beloved by me
Now lying dead in the amaranth lea,
Whenever you see a rhinoceros O,
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

Whenever you hear a rhinoceros,
By the dank tarn of Ober's deep lakes,
Lie down by his side in the phosphorous
And hark to the noises he makes;
For the rhino has a magnanimous roar
And when he sleeps, a mellifluous snore
That makes me think of my lost Lenore,
Whenever I hear a rhinoceros O,
Whenever I hear a rhinoceros.

[Marion Shore]

Gail

For yours not to win seems imposserus--
if it doesn't, I'll eat a rhinoceros!
(Poor Poe's turning in his sarcophagus!)

[Marion Shore]

This guy found out about our poems.

Everybody's a critic.

[L.M. Price]

Hee. Gail, that's great.
I didn't manage the 'whenever you see' bit; ah well.

[Marion Shore]

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
in your path, my friend, here's the scoop:
proceed with as much care as posserous,
lest you step in rhinoceros poop.


Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
beware of its hindermost part,
for you might find the air rather noxierous
if you get downwind of his fart.


sorry

[Diana B]

Whenever you see a rhinocerous
who wants you to join him, by chance,
thank him for his kindly offerous
and ask him if he means "to dance?".

You'd need to be awfully cautiourous
when getting up onto the floor
you're octopus NOT a rhinocerous,
your eight limbs might trip up his four.

what fun!

[Roger Slater]

WHENEVER YOU SEE A RHINOCEROS

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
cavorting in the Rhine
and ask him how "das Wasser ist,"
he'll answer you, "It's fine."

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
who's bathing in the Po,
don't ask him how "das Wasser ist."
He simply will not know.

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
relaxing in the Seine
and ask him how "das Wasser ist,"
he'll answer, "Come again?"

Only German rhinos know
the meaning of "das Wasser ist."
That's something you should keep in mind
whenever you see a rhinoceros.