[Stuart Farley]

This thread has made for fascinating reading!

I'm new to haiku, and all that I know about it was learned from these very pages, not to mention Lee's articles!

wide-eyed lunar reveler
gazing at a puddle
a drop of rain dissolves the moon

a batch of letters
dropped amongst the leaves
- now I'll be late....

Stuart

[Duncan Gillies MacLaurin]

Lee

I know Stephen said you prefered a group of haiku, but until this morning I hadn't written any haiku for about five years. Now I've got three, so I can present them as a group. Any comments you may have would be appreciated.

Duncan

how to get through the day?
elementary, my dear Watson!
a six-pipe problem

the ball I lost
from the tee turns up
in the hole

wretched I
cross the
line at
last


[This message has been edited by Duncan Gillies MacLaurin (edited October 16, 2008).]

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Michael Cantor:
Welcome back, Lee, and thanks very much for your dedication and energy. Your last visit was enormously stimulating, and this one shows every sign of being at least as fruitful.

Hi Michael! Another well-remembered poet from my last visit! Thanks for the kind words. I will try to live up to them this time! Sorry to take so long to reply, but i have had to wrestle the keyboard away from my wife. The fact that it has taken me an hour and a half to do so says something about who is stronger. On to the haiku . . .

An airport somewhere
The candidate and his wife
Flags flags flags flags flags

H! Ain't it the truth!

we share a table
translucent rice noodles
spring rain shimmers

I think you are on the way to something here, but fear you are not quite there. It seems a bit disjointed somehow--I suggest you try moving the images around and seeing if you get something that connects a little better. I also suggest you reevaluate "translucent," as I believe rice noodles are translucent. (Well, maybe there are some that arent, but i haven' seen them.)

company outing
under the cherry blossoms
a manager snores

tie and jacket off
drunken company party
he has pissed himself

From a technical point of view, the company party is the context and it is usually best to present the context first rather than later, unless you have some specific reason to do so. If you are trying to recreate your experience for the reacer, it is generally best to present the images in the order of perception, as we say in haikuworld.

New England autumn
running backs slide through the rain
cheerleaders tumble

I would consider "running backs" to be a sufficient autumn seasonal image, which gives you the opportunity to do something more with the first line.

six miles of sand
the summer people are gone
beach dogs race the surf

Has potential, but as it is it is a "list," with one image to a line. Perhaps you might consider tying two of the lines together to give us a more fully realized end of summer haiku.


the special needs child
carried to the campaign stops
a special trophy

Naughty, naughty! (Just kidding) Seriously, this is certainly an appropriate subject for haiku. There is a problem here, though. This is what i refer to as a "third line as a title" haiku. The third line here presents an interpretation of the first image. It would be better if if you could find a way to let the reader draw this conclusion for him/herself. As I recall, Steve C. put up a link with his introduction to a short essay on editing haiku which discusses this issue. All in all, a nice batch of haiku! Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Duncan Gillies MacLaurin:
the ball I lost
from the tee turns up
in the hole

(Hi Lee!)

Hi, Duncan! Thanks for sharing the haiku. I can offer your congratulations, but i am afraid not much else in the way of comments or suggestions. Keep them coming! Lee

[Robert Pecotte]

Lee,

Thank you for the compliment. When you stopped by in 06 that was my first real taste of Haiku and I am truly grateful for your encouragement and patience with many of my amateur attempts.

I agree that the cat and the robin are probably the best of the bunch; (I like the apples on the lawn too and the little bug,) all real Haiku Moments (they do happen sometimes!)

I see the double seasonal references in the leaves & winter and think I will get out the scalpel. Maybe some good Haiku still lie hidden beneath the surface of those two…

Much Appreciated,

Fr. RP

PS: How long are you around, I have many more but don’t want to inundate the thread. Also, do you do Tanka? I have found it to be a very exacting art that keeps me striving and I think it helps me write Haiku.

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by David Rosenthal:
We end back in the commonplace too, right -- "Return to the Low?" It is a lot to do in three short phrases.

David R.

David, Do you remember me telling you it was easy? The best haiku often have a circularity in which the open endedness of the the poem brings you back to the beginning which leads you back to the end which brings your back to the beginning . . . Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Stuart Farley:
This thread has made for fascinating reading!

I'm new to haiku, and all that I know about it was learned from these very pages, not to mention Lee's articles!


Stuart

Hi, Stuart! I think you have made a good start . . .

wide-eyed lunar reveler
gazing at a puddle
a drop of rain dissolves the moon

a batch of letters
dropped amongst the leaves
- now I'll be late....

I think this one is the better of the two. It has a certain genuineness of feeling, has a distinctive gift directly from you to the reader. Lee

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Duncan Gillies MacLaurin:
Lee I know Stephen said you prefered a group of haiku, but until this morning I hadn't written any haiku for about five years. Now I've got three, so I can present them as a group. Any comments you may have would be appreciated.
Duncan

Thanks for sharing your poems, Duncan. I have already commented on the second one. I am afraid I don't have a lot to say about the other two except this: the bedst haiku usually present a particular experience or scene, whereas these two are more generalized than particular. You might try to write about particular experiences you have had and then paint the picture so it puts the reader there with you to share the experience. Hope this helps! Lee

how to get through the day?
elementary, my dear Watson!
a six-pipe problem

the ball I lost
from the tee turns up
in the hole

wretched I
cross the
line at
last

[Stephen Collington]

Hi Stuart, Lee,

Stuart, seeing your name up above reminded me of something you said on our Warm-Up thread that I thought was interesting, and that I think might make a useful question for Lee to address with us:

Originally posted by Stuart Farley:
Have you ever noticed that haiku sometimes reads like a little note or annotation? I mean that in the best possible way.

Now, I know you say "in the best possible way," and I agree that that is sometimes the result. But as a personal observation, I often find that haiku suffer from being too much like annotations, or even definitions in a dictionary. So, to use a deliberately bad made-up example,

autumn evening
cool wind blows in from the west
as sun is setting

You don't say!

This is one of the traps that beginner haikuists often seem to fall into--and sometimes, not-so-beginners too. Lee's been giving us some very insightful advice on "sparking distances" today . . . this may come under the the general heading too, I suppose. Anyway, Lee, if you've got a moment, it seems an interesting question. Any thoughts?

Steve C.

p.s. (Editing back.) Look Lee, you've got a star now!

p.p.s. (Editing back again.) Just realized how funny my salutation at the top of the post must look! Now all we need is a Jackson.

p.p.p.s. (Again! Aiyaiyai, this has to stop.) Stuart, please note: I don't mean to imply that your own poems made me think of the "annotation problem"; it was just seeing your name here that reminded me of your Open Mic post.




[This message has been edited by Stephen Collington (edited October 16, 2008).]

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Robert Pecotte:
Lee,

Thank you for the compliment. When you stopped by in 06 that was my first real taste of Haiku and I am truly grateful for your encouragement and patience with many of my amateur attempts.

Much Appreciated,

Fr. RP

PS: How long are you around, I have many more but don’t want to inundate the thread. Also, do you do Tanka? I have found it to be a very exacting art that keeps me striving and I think it helps me write Haiku.

Robert, Glad to have been of some service! To answer your questions, I expect to be around for several more days or until I collapse which ever comes first. I don't personally write tanka very much and will avoid them here. They are a different kind of poem with a different aesthetic and, to be frank, I don't care enough about them to want to spend my time with them. Time for lunch and a nap! Lee