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Unread 08-19-2019, 09:46 AM
R. Nemo Hill's Avatar
R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Location: Halcott, New York
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Rather than put in an article before the necklace, Daniel,I'd consider taking out a lot of the other articles in your list of 'little things'. This would also help the lines feel less cluttered without actually reducing the meter to tetrameter (though that is not a bad idea).

Every Little Thing

She treasured every little thing that you
have given her: bird necklace in pale blue
that matched her eyes, the bracelet slipped inside
the box of chocolate treats-- the wine train ride--
and it's not been just things, but moments too:

the breezy balcony, the breathless view,
the kisses deeply planned, yet impromptu
as savored Malbec's were then set aside...
Every little thing.

But savored moments fade, as breezes do,
as fondled treasures fall away into
disuse, as you fall off to sleep beside
her while she skims the latest fashion guide.
She treasures every little thing, but you.
Every little thing.


Maybe the box of chocolate treats needs the article, but a might work better than the.

All in all, the poem is competently done, but it seems as little as the little things it elevates and then dismisses. It seems too local to pack enough punch to me. In a manuscript it might prove a pleasant aside, but no more than that, though I do love the handling of the twist at the end.

Nemo
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