[Glenn Wright]

This is my maiden voyage in the Eratosphere. Please be gentle.
————————

Another Orbit of the Sun

My birthday celebration came again,
and all the rituals have been observed:
a cake, the gifts, a bottle of champagne,
a table at a restaurant reserved.

My friends have smiled, toasted, embraced, and sung,
and now a few are reaching for a coat.
Bitterness is checked by my guarded tongue,
and unsaid words lie heavy in my throat:

fewer friends each year, more aches and sorrow,
an empty shelf, my life goals unachieved.
Today links to the chain that is tomorrow
and tomorrow and tomorrow, hardly grieved

when gone. My fading spirits withdraw slowly
from those I knew. I never let them know me.

———————
Edits:
Title: Counting Another Orbit of the Sun > Another Orbit of the Sun
S2L3: Self-pity binds my heart and stills my tongue. > My guilty heart restrains my leaden tongue, > My guarded heart restrains my guilty tongue. > Bitterness restrains my guilty tongue.> Bitterness, checked by my guarded tongue, > Bitterness is checked by my guarded tongue,
S2L4: Regrets and unsaid words catch in my throat. > and unsaid words lie heavy in my throat. > and unsaid words lie heavy in my throat:
S3L1: Fewer friends each year, more pangs of sorrow > fewer friends each year, more aches and sorrow,
S3L2: the day made less by life goals unachieved > the bitter taste of life goals unachieved. > an empty shelf of life goals unachieved > an empty shelf for life goals unachieved > an empty shelf, my life goals unachieved
S3L3: Today, a link on the chain that is tomorrow > Today links to the chain that is tomorrow

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

No gentility deserved Glenn just praise. The meter deftly handled, the vehicle is apt and the sting in the tail is perfect.

One quibble, Glenn, the ‘day made less’ feels awkward in statement from the singularity of the day to the tenuous nature of one’s ill-defined multiplicity of goals.in life.

A successful maiden voyage, may the gods bless you and all who sail with you.

Regards

Jan

[Glenn Wright]

Thanks, Jan. Your comment was helpful. I felt like the third quatrain was the weakest. I’m still not sure how to punctuate it. S3L1-2 don’t really constitute a proper sentence. I’m thinking about using a dash after “unachieved” instead of a period, but the shift in thought in the next line isn’t really pronounced enough to warrant it, and I’m afraid it might sound too “Emily Dickinson.” Any thoughts?

[Julie Steiner]

Nice, Glenn! I like all the changes so far, and the ending has a satisfyingly classic reversal.

[Carl Copeland]

And a fair voyage it is. No gentility needed, as Jan said, though criticism here isn’t always smooth sailing, nor should it be; it’s honesty that we learn from.

I get two strong impressions from this sonnet. One is craftsmanship: every beat, substitution, and comma in its place. I like tinkering with people’s meter and punctuation, and here I feel like the Maytag repairman. S2L1 could be regularized by rearranging the list, but I’m sure the substitution is quite conscious. If I try really hard, I can quibble about the tense of the first line, which should probably be perfect to match the tenses that follow.

My other impression is a sincerity unafraid of speaking simply and directly. There’s a lot of verbal hide-and-seek in poetry, some of it brilliant, but none of that here. (Ok, there’s Shakespeare, but he fits in seamlessly.) Ironically, poignantly, you tell us what you can’t tell your friends. Well done.

[Joe Crocker]

Some admirably turned phrases here Glenn. S1 was neatly done and I liked your working in of "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" in S3.

Depending on how strongly you feel about IP. The the first line of S2 would read better as

"My friends have smiled and toasted. We have sung"

And the final couplet (S5L1) is asking the reader to "WITHdraw" rather than the more natural, to me, "withDRAW".

I feel that the final melancholy envoi could be a little more sorrowful. Something like "Have they ever known me?". But you may be wanting to say something different.

Cheers

Joe

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by Joe Crocker

the final couplet (S5L1) is asking the reader to "WITHdraw" rather than the more natural, to me, "withDRAW".

I decided to treat “-its withdraw” as an anapestic substitution (there’s one in the previous line as well). Followed by a trochaic substitution at line end, it should theoretically sound wildly irregular, but it worked for me, and Shakespeare has funkier beats.

[Alexandra Baez]

Hello, Glenn,

Glad to see your first post! If I’m not as gentle as you might hope, it’s because, as Carl implied, I don’t think that that would ultimately be doing you the best service. A few quick notes:

As Carl pointed out, the tense in S1 L1 is at odds with that of what follows (until the end of the next stanza). You could easily regularize things by changing L1 to “My birthday celebration’s come again.”

For some reason, “reserved” felt a little forced here—perhaps I’ve had too much of the passive tense at this point? I know there’s nothing technically wrong with this.

As a whole, I found the poem to be too telly for my taste.

It’s true that you show competence in meter. While I would probably prefer the version of S2 L1 that Joe has offered, your sub here arguably does help capture the convivial immediacy of the moment described. The metrical bump of “catch” is apt, the headless first foot of S3L1 helps create a sense of narrative pace, and the feminine ending here and in the second to last line help create a doleful mood, while the two unaccented syllables of “links to” helps create a sense of a link. The following line’s anapest conspires toward a sense of onerousness, and the accent reversal of “withdraw” to me conveys an emphasis on this important point in the poem. Granted, if it were me, I’d probably pare this list of subs down by a couple of items, total.

My second favorite part in the poem is the unexpected weaving-in of “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.”

My absolute favorite part is the last line. This grabs the gut.

[Roger Slater]

Welcome to the Sphere. I've enjoyed your comments on other people's poems, and there's a lot here to admire as well. While most of this post will be about what I think are problems with the poem, it's clear that you know what you're doing and are a competent metrist.

In S1, is it the "celebration" that has come again, or the birthday? If it's the celebration, and our speaker has one every year with enough friends surviving to drink champagne with him and give him gifts, it makes it hard for me to understand what the speaker is complaining about. Even as I read the whole poem, I don't know what his problem is, and if anything I envy the speaker that he has a large group of friends eager to celebrate his birth. What is the source of his self-pity? What are the regrets? What words remain unsaid? The poem keeps telling us that the speaker is sad and self-pitying, but it does not tell us why. Is this just generalized depression? Are we just supposed to suppose that everyone feels this way when they get older (even though I don't think that's true)?

In S2, I think "smiled" could be changed. For many of us, it's an effort not to say it with two syllables, which throws off the meter. At any rate, it's a rather weak word, and I would simply assume they smiled from time to time at a birthday party where they are toasting and embracing. Even if I said the word with a single syllable, it would still strike me as metrical filler.

I think the couplet gives us what amounts to a double negative of meaning. "Fading spirits" are a bad thing, right? You don't want your spirits to fade, presumably. So it seems off the mark to complain that the "fading spirits" are withdrawing. That would be a good thing, wouldn't it? Even if it's not a double negative, it's at least redundant. Once you've told us your spirits are fading, we already know they are withdrawing.

In general, I think the poem relies too much on conclusions, reinforced by familiar phrases ("bitter taste", "self-pity", "unsaid words", "aches and sorrow", "fading spirits", and the overquoted "tomorrow and tomorrow" allusion).

The best thing about the poem, in my opinion, is the last sentence. "I never let them know me." There's a poignance there that goes beyond the rest of the poem's complaining. But the problem is that you never let the reader know you either. As I mentioned, you simply tell us you are bitter and self-pitying, but you don't go beneath that surface.

That having been said, it's a strong debut that shows us some real skill. I'd say you'll fit in here quite well.

[Glenn Wright]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and generous comments.
Carl, I chose the verb tenses to convey that the poem occurs at the moment the party ends. Using Alexa’s suggestion, “My birthday celebration’s come again” implies “and here it is.” Joe, I could regularize the iambic pentameter in S2L1 with your suggestion or by transposing “smiled” and “toasted,” but the resulting perfect IP struck my ear as a bit too pat. Alexa, I wonder if the problem with “reserved” is that it is etymologically too close to “observed.” You and Roger put your fingers on what, for me, are the two biggest challenges in this poem. The first is to avoid sounding whiny given the rather irrational depression the speaker feels. The second is to make the nature and source of the speaker’s sadness convincing without explaining exactly what they are. I’ll have to ponder that further.
No one seemed bothered by the end punctuation on S3L1, so I guess it stands.
I appreciate your help in letting me see my poem through your eyes.
Glenn