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  #41  
Unread 03-12-2020, 11:09 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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Quincy,
Would you consider the word "fell" in place of "flowed" in the penultimate line?
Cathy
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  #42  
Unread 03-12-2020, 04:00 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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For what it's worth, I think the third stanza is hurting the poem. I like the poem a lot, even with them curse words. Mama told me to hate the words but love the poem. I try to stick to that. Really though, I think that stanza weighs down a really good piece.
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  #43  
Unread 03-14-2020, 06:02 PM
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Quincy Lehr Quincy Lehr is offline
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James--

Thanks for the comment. Could you elaborate a bit on the third stanza?

Cathy--

I'll consider it, certainly.

Quincy

Last edited by Quincy Lehr; 03-14-2020 at 06:41 PM.
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  #44  
Unread 03-15-2020, 02:39 PM
Rob Wright Rob Wright is offline
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Wonderful, Quincy. The last stanza is so good. The fire escape is a wonderful image, and pardon this please mirrors the shifting lines of the poem. And the language, the image of the speaker is so you. The persona is compelling, but more than that it's your voice writ beautifully. How wonderful to see this forum kicked back into good work and intelligent comments. Bravo.
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  #45  
Unread 03-18-2020, 08:03 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
I was all set to respond when you first posted this, it having touched a nerve in my past. But I'll be damned where the time went and now I'm just getting back to it, reading the revision, and again it stings. I would say I don't know how you can improve it, because it feels perfect to me, but I do have a thought... (But it cannot be improved upon as far as tone and clarity, I don't think.)

If you got rid of S4 I would not miss it... It just feels a bit too genteel... Perhaps write a companion poem to this one that starts with it...

I too am glad the sonic "fucking sucked" is back.

The title is the essence of the attitude of the poem.

It's a gem.
x
x
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  #46  
Unread 03-19-2020, 12:48 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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I looked up comrade B, and I still don't know what that's about. I'm sure that's an embarrassing admission. That said, I'm not sure it would change my mind in the end. With the barricades going up etc, I wasn't as interested in the speaker or the situation anymore. It ceased to become real, for me. Indian summer, christ that's really good. Even romantic, passionate, like the title.
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  #47  
Unread 03-19-2020, 02:25 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Reading this, and then Quincy’s other poem I imagined Comrade Brummell to be the speaker’s (OK, Quincy’s) version of a sort of idealised messiah figure. Someone who combines left-wing revolutionary politics with wit and sartorial dandyism. Hence the name. From Wikipedia:

Quote:
During his heyday, Beau Brummell's dictat on both fashion and etiquette reigned supreme. His habits of dress and fashion were much imitated, especially in France, where, in a curious development, they became the rage, especially in bohemian quarters. There, dandies sometimes were celebrated in revolutionary terms: self-created men of consciously designed personality, radically breaking with past traditions. With elaborate dress and idle, decadent styles of life, French bohemian dandies sought to convey contempt for and superiority to bourgeois society. In the latter 19th century, this fancy-dress bohemianism was a major influence on the Symbolist movement in French literature.[22]
The whole idea reminded me of Rufus Wainwright’s awesome song ‘The Gay Messiah’

(No it will not be me
Rufus the Baptist I’ll be)


Course, I could be wrong.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 03-19-2020 at 03:12 PM.
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  #48  
Unread 03-19-2020, 04:20 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Ok, thanks Mark. It still gets in the way, for me. But, whatever. What I saw was directed at Barney Frank. Which was pretty horrible and pathetic (and assumed it had nothing to do with Quincy's poem).

Last edited by James Brancheau; 03-20-2020 at 01:08 AM.
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  #49  
Unread 03-19-2020, 06:36 PM
Damian Balassone Damian Balassone is offline
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I like the sense of reflection and can relate to a lot of this. I like the way it flows and also the way it looks on the page (if that makes sense). An excellent poem.
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  #50  
Unread 03-21-2020, 08:00 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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x
I wonder if you might add an "" after "funny" in line one to act as a bookend to the "" in line 3 after "due".

I also question "I used to find it funny". Isn't it really that you now find it funny?

x
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