[A. Sterling]

Hi Roger, et al.,

Yes, that usage of “lick” is a bit obscure. I had to check a dictionary to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. But it was indeed there, and that’s good enough for me.

As you can see, there are a couple new drafts now, both considerably more regular than the first one. I think I’ve found my way to some happier lines, but on the whole, I don’t feel like either one is as satisfying rhythmically. It was an interesting experiment, but they just don’t sound like Rimbaud to me – particularly the pentameter one. It feels like it’s in too much of a hurry to reach its destination.

[John Isbell]

2b works pretty well for me.

Cheers,
John

[A. Sterling]

Bumping this up because I was looking to have a bit more feedback on my revised version(s). I hope my own comments weren't off-putting - honestly, I've never yet written a poem I can't find fault with myself, but it's never stopped me from writing them.

[Susan McLean]

Anka, for me, your version 2b reads much better than 2a. In the first line, for better flow, I might recommend "In deep blue summer evenings." Rimbaud doesn't specify the shade of blue, but by evening it would be darker than during the day, I think, and you don't want the reader to be confused about whether you are in anapests or iambs at the start.

Susan