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Unread 06-21-2019, 10:08 PM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 98

Hi Roger, et al.,

Yes, that usage of ďlickĒ is a bit obscure. I had to check a dictionary to be sure I wasnít imagining things. But it was indeed there, and thatís good enough for me.

As you can see, there are a couple new drafts now, both considerably more regular than the first one. I think Iíve found my way to some happier lines, but on the whole, I donít feel like either one is as satisfying rhythmically. It was an interesting experiment, but they just donít sound like Rimbaud to me Ė particularly the pentameter one. It feels like itís in too much of a hurry to reach its destination.
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Unread 06-22-2019, 06:45 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 4,952

2b works pretty well for me.

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Unread 07-04-2019, 09:33 AM
A. Sterling A. Sterling is offline
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Maryland, U.S.A.
Posts: 98

Bumping this up because I was looking to have a bit more feedback on my revised version(s). I hope my own comments weren't off-putting - honestly, I've never yet written a poem I can't find fault with myself, but it's never stopped me from writing them.
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Unread 07-04-2019, 09:45 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,238

Anka, for me, your version 2b reads much better than 2a. In the first line, for better flow, I might recommend "In deep blue summer evenings." Rimbaud doesn't specify the shade of blue, but by evening it would be darker than during the day, I think, and you don't want the reader to be confused about whether you are in anapests or iambs at the start.

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rimbaud, sensation, translation

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